


Time, truth and hearts

by just_Lu



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: AU - Modern, Abuse, Multi, References to Depression, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 70,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_Lu/pseuds/just_Lu
Summary: Growing up has its difficulties, but that is life. For some, it is harder. This one is about struggling, surviving, but also about loving and hoping. How Cardan and Jude are going to fall in love in this modern AU? We will see it happening through alternating POV, not only theirs. Stick with me to find out ;)The tittle is from the song "All these things that I've done", by The killers.One can be triggered by unexpected things, so if you have mental health issues, please proceed carefully. And also, take care of yourself, ask help to your close ones, go through therapy, you might think otherwise, but you are important to someone (first of all, you are important to yourself) <3
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 33
Kudos: 90





	1. A fairy tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first AU fanfic, I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> *Oak is truly Oriana’s son here, because of the age gap I have created between Locke’s mother and Dain.

[Taryn’s POV]

_Once upon a time_... What story should I try tonight? Should I be a princess? Well, I am dressed as one – a lilac flowery dress with tulle. Oak is wearing a tiny dark gray suit, holding his baby bottle while watching the city through the car’s window on my right, sitting on his baby chair. Oriana keeps taking glimpses at us, and when she meets my eyes through the mirror, her smile is comforting. When I first met her, a couple of months ago, I thought she would be like the evil stepmother from the movies, and that Oak would torment me as he grew older. However, Oriana was trying her best to let us feel at home, and she insisted that me and my sisters go through therapy after losing our parents in a car crash. With no other family to take us in, Vivi’s father adopted Jude and I, saying he wouldn’t separate Vivi from her sisters. Madoc was more of a villain in a fairy tale than Oriana when I first saw him, but he also turned out to be a caring man. He is driving to his boss’ party in another car, with Vivi and Jude. As for Oak, he is Oriana’s baby, but I feel like he is my younger brother already, so cute with his tiny adorable hands!

Elfhame city has two great reasons for people wanting to live here: The Folk of the Air University, which opens gates to your future; and the Greenbriar industries, providing work to it’s population. We rarely see a homeless person on the streets, and Elfhame has a high index of health and education. The university was what caught Jude’s attention when we first knew that we were coming to live here, because of the possibilities of study, internship and her nerd things. I was also mesmerized by the place; it is huge! And the people that go there... They are all so mature and stylish and awesome! I want to grow up fast, so I can be one of them, but I am still a kid with seven years old. For now, I can only dream.

Madoc works as the security chief of the CEO from Greenbriar industries, Eldred Greenbriar. That is why I am dressed as a princess to his party, because it is a party of a tremendous rich man, and also, because Oriana is a stylist. The Greenbriar mansion is another huge building, they must have an enormous staff crew to clean it all. Oriana makes a turn over a fountain, and stops the car in front of the mansion’s entrance. I free myself from my seat belt and start freeing Oak. He is agitated, seeing the bright lights from the outside. Oriana opens the door to catch him in her arms.

“Come on”, she tells me smiling.

As soon as I am out of the car, a staff man takes the vehicle away. The fountain has a small isle in the center, with colorful trees and flowers, and statues of gnomes, elves and pixies. It looks magical, perfect for one of my stories. _Once upon a time there was a land with hidden creatures in plain sight, since adults had a closed mind and could not see them_ -

“There they are”, Oriana cuts off my line of thoughts, and I turn to see the rest of the family approaching us.

Jude is wearing a dress like mine, the difference is that hers is blue. It is a thing that Oriana likes to do with us twins - make us wear similar outfits, if not equals. Another difference between us are Jude’s injuries, the most visible one is the bandage on her hand, covering the missing tip of her ring finger. Vivi is wearing black with lace, all the tree of us have our hairs single braided. Oriana is elegantly wearing a long dark blue gown, the neckline reaching her navel. I want to be like her. Madoc is equally elegant in his black suit, but it his uniform, so it doesn’t count. Sometimes I play pretend that Madoc can change his appearance into a cat, since his eyes are as fast and as cunning as our old neighbor’s cat. Those eyes are his most resemblance with Vivi.

“Remember to behave, children!” Oriana tells us, a short version of her speech from earlier at home.

“Yes, ma’m!” we sisters answer promptly.

Vivi chuckles, and Oriana gives her a leery look, but follows Madoc that are leading us inside.

“Well, I shall leave you to party, and get to work”, Madoc kisses Oriana’s cheek, and winks at us kids, then leaves.

I am not paying attention to him, my mouth is open, astonished with the magnificence of this mansion, that could as well serve as a palace for a king. The sculptural ceiling has beautiful forms, like a forest etched from side to side, a big crystal chandelier in the middle; two stairs covered in red rug leading to the second floor, where people are heading to the main saloon, as we are. There are portraits and paintings on the walls, most of them look as old as the ones I have seen in art history books. My mind is going wild, with so many stories to create. Imprinting every ornament, every color at each step I take, so later I can still play pretend with this in mind later on.

If that was just the hall, the main saloon leaves me breathless. The tables were covered in purple blankets, there are purple and red flowers everywhere, crystals and silver adornments, and a wooden bar counter. The walls and pillars are golden, and there are six chandeliers providing ambient light. They organized a low stage, where I imagine Madoc’s boss is going to give a speech later, but for now, there is a band playing classic songs. This one playing I recognize as Chopin, from my ballet classes.

We approach a table where there is a boy about my age already sitting. He is wearing a fine tuxedo, the color of grape juice, his black hair has rebel curls, and his dark eyes flicks from me to Jude, which is a normal reaction when people see twins.

“Hello Cardan”, Oriana smiles at him. If it weren’t for his scowl face, I would have thought of him as a charming prince and not a scary villain.

It is like he sees my fear, and the end of his mouth curves slightly into a tease.

“You may sit”, he tells Oriana, “they have put me in this table, because apparently there would be other kids here”

“These are Jude, Taryn and Vivienne”, Oriana places a hand over our heads as she introduces us. “The twins are going to attend the same grade in your school, from next week and on”.

Why does he keep staring at Jude? I turn to look, and she is staring back. Are they in a contest? I roll my eyes. Jude doesn’t look like she wants to grow up. At least the evil boy’s attention is on her, and not trying to scare me.

“And this is Oak, as you possibly remember him. He has grown a bit, has he not?”, Oriana turns Oak a little, so he sees Cardan and giggles. That makes Cardan surprised for a moment, then he averts his eyes.

Oriana tells us to take a seat, and we obey. After a few minutes of awkward silence, a girl approaches the table with two other adults. She looks like a real princess in a pink gown.

“Cardan, weren’t you supposed to entertain our guests?”, she pouts at him.

“I don’t want to”, he croons.

“Rhyia, you look wonderful!”, Oriana says.

“Thank you, I loved the dress you made me!”, the girl spins so we can see the dress swaying.

She takes a seat beside Vivi, and they immediately start talking. The adults sit between Oriana and Cardan, and they also start a conversation that sounds boring.

“I hope they start serving food soon”, Jude leans closer to whisper on my ear. “I am starving!”

“Cardan and Rhyia are Eldred’s children, right?”, I confirm with Jude, and she nods. “Perhaps the other siblings are more sympathetic and charismatic. Or do you think _he_ will play with us in the garden later?”

Jude shrugs.

“We don’t need _him_ to play”

I hate that Jude is not a sociable person. We are going to start school soon, and I am hoping to make friends. If Jude doesn’t cooperate, I don’t know what to do. Looking around to observe people, I fantasize about a far away reign, where I would be in a beautiful dress and find my fated charming prince. There are a few other kids in the saloon accompanying their parents. My heart starts racing when I see a boy with reddish hair and freckles looking at me. He smiles, making me flush from my neck to my cheeks. Amused, the boy laughs at my face. Someone starts talking on the stage, and I am glad for having a reason to turn away from him.

The speech doesn’t take long, but I feel boring for sitting here. Jude looks like she is paying attention, and I bet she actually is. _Nerd_. The food is served right after, and as soon as Cardan finishes his plate, he leaves the table. Rhyia looks at her brother with discontent, briefly, and keeps talking with Vivi. I see others leaving their tables to start conversations standing near other tables, and a few dare to waltz in front of the stage.

“Oriana...”, I turn to her, and she looks wary. “We promise not to do anything stupid!”

“Fine”, she sighs.

Without letting her think better of it, I pull Jude to explore the mansion with me. Firstly we play around the saloon, eating more sweets and drinking juice. Everything is so delicious, that even if I ate too much already, my mouth still waters at the sight of another flavor to taste. More than satisfied, we leave to the gardens, and to my surprise, the boy with reddish hair is here, talking to another two kids. A tall and slim girl, wearing an onbre gown, that is purple by the bodice and turns into pink with flowers by the end. Another princess! The blond boy beside her is also tall, and appraises me and Jude with a quirked brow.

“Who are you?”, the boy with reddish hair asks us.

“This is Jude, and I am Taryn. We came with Madoc, the-“

“The head of security”, the blond one says, as if he is superior somehow.

“I am Locke”, the other boy takes my hand and kisses the back of it, then does the same to Jude. “these are Nicasia, and Valerian”

“Hey”, Nicasia says. “You were sitting with Cardan. Where is he?”

Since Cardan has friends, does it mean he is nice after all?

“I haven’t seen where he went, I am sorry”, I tell her.

“What does she have?”, Valerian asks, looking at Jude.

She is flushing, and looks at me. Oh, she needs a restroom. But if I leave, will I have another opportunity to befriend them?

“Oh, it is nothing”, Nicasia says, and hooks her arm on Jude’s. “The girl here is going to help me find Cardan!”, and she turns. I can hear her whisper to Jude: “it is okay, I will take you to the ladies room!”

“We heard your parents died”, Valerian says, and I turn to him with widen eyes.

Why is he being harsh with me?

“I also lost my parents”, Locke says, giving me a gentle smile. “I am heir to a great fortune, and my uncle takes care of me, until I am old enough to take care of myself, legally”

Valerian scoffs.

“Takes care of you, hunf! That bastard only cares about your money!”

 _Wow_ , he called Locke’s uncle _a bastard_! I thought rich kids weren’t supposed to call others names. I cover my open mouth with my hands, and Locke laughs.

“It is okay, Taryn”, Locke says. He remembered my name! “I suppose Cardan has to be seen at the party, so we can’t go to his room and play video games for now”

“That sucks”, Valerian sighs.

“We can play here outside”, I suggest.

“Like what?”, Locke asks.

“Have you never played pretend?”, I am shocked. What these kids do all day?

“I could play that”, Locke agrees with a mischievous grin. “it is like playing RPG”

“If it is like that, then I am in!”, Valerian looks around and breaks a stick from a brush. I look around to see if anyone saw that, to find a security guard narrowing his eyes to us, but Valerian only laughs to the standing man, and turn to us. “I am a knight!”, he waves the stick pretending it to be a sword.

“I suppose Cardan is going to play as king, Nicasia as Queen”, Locke tells us.

“We could divide ourselves and try to invade each other’s territory!”, I suggest. “So, I could be the adversary princess!”

“Why princess and not queen?” Locke asks.

“Because a princess is supposed to be young and delicate, and the responsibility of war is for the queen. I think I will leave that for Jude!”, I answer, and they both laugh.

“You could be the king, battling Cardan!”, Valerian suggests Locke.

“Or...”, Locke takes my hand in his, “I could be Cardan’s heir, the prince in love with the princess from the other kingdom, and have a forbidden love!”.

I feel my cheeks ablaze. Someone approaches us, and Locke lets go of my hand slowly, to turn and see who. Nicasia and Cardan.

“Where is Jude?” I ask them.

“She stopped to eat something... Here she is!” Nicasia was saying, then Jude comes behind her.

We explain the play, and we all mark our territory in the garden. Vivi and Rhyia come join us, and I have a lot of fun. _Once upon a time there was a lonely queen with a poor kingdom to take care of all by herself. Her daughter wouldn’t marry anyone who proposed, because she wanted to love, and she did, only it was forbidden. Princess Taryn was locked in a tower, as queen Jude went to battle her enemy Cardan. While there was war, the knights Vivienne and Rhyia battled Queen Nicasia and her trusted Knight Valerian, Jude and Cardan went fight in the north ground of Elfhame, and Prince Locke went to save Princess Taryn._

“What happened?” Locke stops playing, turning to a storming Cardan leaving the garden with leaves on his tux.

“Forget me! King Cardan is dead!”, he scorns, and enters the mansion.

“Wait, Cardan?”, Nicasia runs after him, worried, with Valerian right after.

“Don’t worry, Cardan is a moody kid”, Rhyia tells me and Vivi.

Jude approaches us, her eyes reddened as if she wanted to cry. What had happened between them? Locke is looking at her, concerned, but chooses to enter the mansion as well, without looking back to me.

“Do you want to dance?”, Rhyia invites us, and Vivi agrees.

I want to, but I let them go first, and wait to be alone with Jude.

“What happened?”, I ask her.

She shakes her head.

“I fell”.

Liar. But she doesn’t give me a chance to ask again, and returns to the mansion, sitting by our table for the rest of the night. _Once upon a time a young princess had lost her parents in an accident. That was when she lost the ground under her feet, and fell, deep. Princess Taryn barely could count on her sisters – they were stronger than her, and didn’t need her to rise on their feet. Princess Taryn felt lonely. Nonetheless, she was a princess, and she would fight to have the life she wanted!_


	2. The living tide

[Nicasia’s POV]

We are troubled kids, wearing our uniforms unbuttoned as if we were old enough to be this daring. As we parade through the school’s corridors, the kids make way, running from us, lowering their heads. Valerian pines a chubby boy on a wall, demanding candies. Cardan doesn’t bother to stop, so Locke and I follow. Soon after, I hear the chubby boy sobbing, falling to the ground. Valerian reaches me, offering a strawberry candy, and I take it, letting my hair sway loose at my back whilst I take a glimpse of the poor tormented kid, and wink at him, making him choke with his sobs in surprise. Cardan and Valerian have beaten the crap out of a lot of this school’s students and they often end up in fights with kids from other schools as well. No one tells on us, and those who try, the teachers are also afraid of us – of our families, so it doesn’t give us problems. It is our last year in middle school, almost the end of the year. Perhaps high school is going to be more entertaining, with more people to kiss and less fights.

Valerian and Locke are in separated classrooms, but they stick with Cardan and I until the last minute of break. My seat is in front of Cardan’s, by the window, where sometimes he plays with a strand of my hair between his long fingers when I face the front; or where I sit turned to the corridor, leaning against the wall so I can face Cardan and watch the sunlight accentuating his sharp cheekbones. Valerian and Locke sit beside us, in the next row of student’s desks while our teacher doesn’t come. Listening to Valerian brag about himself is nothing new, the other students start coming back to the classroom, and with that, Jude Duarte comes, standing behind Valerian. A grin plays in my mouth, waiting for the spectacle.

“Excuse me, this is my seat”, her voice is emotionless, as usual.

“As I was saying”, Valerian keeps talking about his learning on skateboard.

Abruptly, Jude stabs her copybook with her school compass point, right beside Valerian’s hand, and I jump, startled with the sound. Valerian’s face darkens, but it is Cardan who speaks up.

“Get up. Your teacher must be at your classroom already.”

“Are you letting this bitch do what she wants?”, Valerian is offended.

I look at Cardan, and he is staring at Jude.

“Get up, Valerian, you are not being polite!”

Oh, his tone. Cardan is plotting something, and Valerian realizes it too, opening his smile as he rises. Locke also gets to his feet, ready to leave. Cardan glances at the door, and there is no sign of a teacher, so he rises. Taking Jude by her arm, he pulls her, making her sit.

“Hold her!”, Cardan commands Valerian, and he obeys.

Jude struggles to free herself. “What are you doing, you freak? Leave me alone!”, she pulls and pushes, but Valerian keeps her in place.

Cardan takes the empty seat in front of her, grabbing her hand to keep it over her copybook. He takes her school compass from the desk, and starts piercing the notebook between her fingers with the point, making holes as he stabs.

“If you keep moving your hand to free yourself, I most certainly will stab you”, Cardan warns her.

“Stop it!”, she yells, then turns her head to look around, “Help me!”, but no one does.

They shrink away, while Cardan increases his pace. Valerian laughs, enjoying the cruelty, Locke watches with an unreadable expression, and I find myself pleased to see the girl scared. She deserves to suffer. I remember all those years ago, when she came to Elfhame. After playing with us in a party for Cardan’s father, after I tried to befriend her, she did something to Cardan, she made him cry, and he never told me why. Whatever Jude has done to him, she deserves to suffer, until she goes away. If she hurt him so much to make him hate her, I would hate her too. Suddenly, he surprises us all again. Cardan stops his play, takes Jude’s hand in his with a tight grip, then kisses each knuckle kindly.

“Remember me the next time you threaten my friends, Jude dear. I might not keep all of your fingers if I have to do this again”.

“Psychopath!”, she calls him. “I hate you!”

“Lovely”, he keeps looking at her with a smug smirk, as if he is _happy_.

Is it because she looks scared? I don’t think that is all. The teacher arrives, making Locke and Valerian leave. Cardan gives Jude’s hand a last kiss, then gets back on his seat, to his bored face, looking through the window. I don’t think Jude tells her sisters about our harassment, since Taryn still tries to be our friend, and Vivienne have not told Rhyia anything either. We know of it, because if Rhyia knew, she would tell Cardan’s father and Cardan would be punished for it, since Jude is Madoc’s adopted child and Eldred likes Madoc as a friend. It is a dangerous game to torment the girl, but these are the best games to be played. How far will she let us go? How long will our families pretend that we are not that bad? Because if they ever assume that we are bad kids, our families would have to take responsibility, and that is not like them.

Last year my mother started to piss me off, introducing me to young rich boys whose parents she wished to do business with, but they are all second option for her, for my mother encourages me to have a relationship with Cardan. I fucking hate it. It is like I was born to be her puppet, a tool for making a good deal and making more money. To make her stop, I met a guy who was seventeen years old, pretending that I was fifteen, and made out with him. I threatened my mother that I would do more vulgar things, and be more public about it if she kept selling me away. It didn’t work, she left me without my phone and internet for a whole month, and I still have to meet young boys. Cardan also has family issues, and lives with his oldest brother that is six years older than us, Balekin, since we were twelve years old, in a condominium not far from the High School we are going to attend next year. When I told Cardan about my mother’s pressure, he told me his family was also trying to decide who he should date. He was furious and ashamed to tell me that Balekin brought ‘sex workers’ home and made Cardan have his first time with the ladies.

“It was awful”, Cardan told me then, while we were by my house’s pool, sun bathing. “Not because of the girls, no, but because Balekin wouldn’t leave the room until... Until the girls _really_ started. He watched, as if he was expecting me to fail”

“Your brother is disturbed!”, I petted his head as he laid down close to me. “And sexist. To tell you that it was time to become a ‘true man’ with thirteen years old. You should have the liberty to do that when you were ready, and with whoever you truly wanted. I am so sorry that you had to go through this!”

“And it is not like I can go back living with my father. The man despises my presence more than Balekin does”, Cardan let out a long sigh.

Sometimes I think Cardan likes me, but he is never that exhilarated with me as he is while teasing Jude Duarte. And only her. Somehow he knows when it is Taryn and when it is Jude, even from afar, even when they are side by side, two rows ahead of us in the movies. His hatred for the girl became an obsession. Cardan could like me more than as a friend, nevertheless, I am not a fan of having to share his attention with Jude Duarte. I know Valerian is attractive, but in the end, it is Locke who makes me wonder about having a boyfriend. He is cute, he pays attention to what everyone says, even to Valerian’s reveries! Although, I do like Cardan. He is my friend, and he is handsome. Boys turning my head upside down, as if I am allowed to live a beautiful safe love story.

We are going to the movies; Cardan, Valerian, Locke and I. Cardan comes to my place, saying that we will meet the others there. He is looking at the clothes that I threw on my bed while searching something to wear. I decided for a jeans and white tank top that exposes my navel, like I saw Christina Aguilera wearing in a picture.

“So you dyed your hair blue and your mother still haven’t seen you”, he is saying, turning to meet my eyes through the mirror. Cardan is wearing dark jeans, black converse and a blazer over a white t-shirt. His hands full with rings, as his ears keep increasing the amount of piercings. he has the right looks of the boy who can mess with a girl's heart, the bad boy kind. “You are so dead, Nic!”, he grins.

“If I am dead, she can’t take me to meet more young heirs”, I croon.

Cardan approaches me, looking over my make up spread over my desk. He takes an eyeliner.

“Can I use it?”

I turn to him, with a brow lifted.

“You want to wear make up?”

“Yeah, I think it would look cool”, he shrugs.

“Sure, go on”, I shrug back.

He applies the black outline under his eyes, and smudges it a bit. Cardan was right, he looks cooler wearing it. It is like his eyes are deeper, like I want to keep looking at them and learn his secrets. When he meets my gaze, I feel myself flush. Cardan doesn’t laugh, as he usually does. I feel his hands on my waist, he closes the distance between us. When did he grew taller than me? Cardan kisses me softly, as if he is afraid that I don’t want him. How could I not? I lean to him, parting my lips over his, an invitation. It is not my first kiss, but it is the first kiss with feelings, so I cannot help the butterflies in my stomach, the shyness that takes me momentarily. It is not just because he is cool and attractive, but I am kissing him because he is Cardan. Our tongues push each other, and electricity runs through my veins, waving feelings back and forth. I can taste Cardan’s mint toothpaste, and I like it.

My phone rings, and Cardan stops kissing me, but doesn’t let go of my waist. It is Locke.

“Hey, where are you guys?” he asks.

“We are waiting for the _Uber_ ”, I answer, and meet Cardan’s gaze. He chuckles, stealing a smile from me. “Buy us popcorn!”

“Okay, see ya!”, and Locke hangs up.

I open the app and after finding a car, it says that the Uber will arrive ten minutes from now.

“What to do in these whole ten minutes?” Cardan feigns despair.

“Do you think you can keep us busy?” I tease him.

And his mouth is back on mine.


	3. Throwing punches so I won’t bleed alone

[Valerian’s POV]

My kick makes this stupid senior’s ass meet the alley’s dirty ground. His nose is probably broken, blood runs down over his mouth to his neck, staining his uniform. The adrenaline making my heart pound loud, lighten up my stress from the tough week. I turn to see Cardan over the other senior, throwing punch after punch, blood drenching his fists. The first time we have beaten someone together, Cardan was defending me. We had just met, and a douchebag started insulting me in kindergarten. The next thing was this motherfucker-Cardan flying over the other kid, biting, punching, then the kid’s friend tried to kick Cardan and I got in the fight. Ever since, It was easy to find ourselves into fights – people hate us. So do our families. Cardan gets more violent when his brother has beaten him, and for the looks of our unconscious senior, Balekin did some nasty thing. Cardan stops, panting.

“You are supposed to stop me when I get out of control”, his hoarse voice still angry.

“I got excited” I shrug. “It’s been a while we last fought together, since you have your girlfriend Nic to help you relax as well now”.

He rises and starts walking out of the alley, not worried about the other students getting out of the school now that the bell has rang, ending the lessons of the day. I follow him, satisfied with the aversion looks. They are scared of us, they whisper theories about who was beaten this time. I take a cigarette from my pocket and a lighter, a smoke just like those after sex, to let the calm linger through my body.

“Do you want to crash at my place tonight?”, I invite him. “Nic and Locke can also come, and we can play video games, drink and smoke weed”

“Fine by me”, a short answer, but it looks like he might be relaxed by now.

I make an o-shaped smoke, and blow it away, then grab my phone to text Locke.

_Me: “My place tonight”_

_Locke: “That was long. Are they dead?”_

_Me: “Didn’t check”_

_Locke: “Good thing I have a back up plan if you killed them. But it will involve you and Cardan selling organs. Yours.”_

“Cardan, Locke says he can help us if we killed our seniors”, I tell him without looking up.

He scoffs. “Last time he said he could help us, we would have to be porn actors”.

“Why does he offer you the good Jobs?”, I start typing Locke as I say it aloud: _“I’d rather be a porn star!_ Sent. _”_

Locke sends me a GIF, with a man putting his hand over his chest as if he is offended.

_Locke: “Vulgar!”_

_Me: “Cardan said you offered him the job”_

_Locke: “LOL That was like, five fights ago. Too late now!”_

We turn a corner and I stumble over Cardan, who has stopped abruptly. “What the fuck, Cardan?”, I look up to see him, but Cardan is staring at the freak twins.

Are we going to bully them now? I never know when Cardan wants to torment them, and when we can’t torment them because he just doesn’t feel like it. It is easier to recognize which girl is which when Cardan is around, because of their immediate reactions: Taryn shrinks and Jude glares. I hate this bitch. Who does she thinks she is? The queen? She acts like she is better than us, as an exemplar student know-it-all; and she also started taking boxing lessons last year, making it harder for us to ambush her. Harder, not impossible.

“H-hello!” Taryn tries to be friendly.

“What is the glare for?” Cardan asks Jude.

“No shame at all!” she answers and scrunches her nose.

“Why would we be ashamed?”, I ask her. “Those two came to us thinking that they would ‘put us into our places’, _they_ should be ashamed of the thought!”

“Let’s go Taryn”, Jude pushes her bicycle forward, shielding them from us. Smart move, I admit. “I don’t want the police seeing us with these two dirtied in blood!”. Oh no, not so smart.

Cardan grabs her wrist. Jude tries to pull away, but she only makes it worse, and grunts as he holds her hand in a way that he can easily break her forefinger, if Jude tries to pull away again.

“Are you worried about me, Duarte?”, Cardan asks in a shadowy silky voice.

“Leave me alone!”, she tries to keep only an angry glare, but she fails and shows that Cardan is hurting her. It humors me, and I inhale smoke again with a smirk on.

“If you think I am dirty, you could kindly lick the blood from my hands”, Cardan lifts his hand, but stops himself before staining Jude’s mouth with blood. There is something wrong with him, but I cannot name it.

“Let’s go Cardan”, I call him, and he remembers that I am still here.

He walks ahead and I blow smoke to the twins' faces, then follow him. We turn the other corner and arrive at my apartment building, so I let go of my cigarette, stepping on it so it is out. The doorman looks at us with repulse, but it is not the first time he has seen us like this, so he just let us enter. I press the button to the eleventh floor, and the elevator’s door closes.

“Why are you horny?” Cardan asks, and I look at my all awake cock.

“Violence arouses me”, I confess. “Although, I’d rather have it on bed. Have you ever tried a _S &M_ relation?”

“As in ‘ _Fifty shades of Grey’_?”

“That is a fucking boring movie, but I know you get the general idea. Search on it. I can lend you a few porn with it, and you can try with Nic... Or the Duarte”

He startles, then growls at me. “Are you picking up a fight?”

I raise my hands, surrendering. “I am just saying it could be good. I have never thought about Jude in that way, because she is not my type. Like, she is fat, why have so much breast and ass? I prefer the slim and tall ones...”

“You mean the ones that don’t ever eat – type”

“Not to offend, but I think Nicasia is beautiful! AND last time I checked, she eats!”, I defend myself, and Cardan snorts. “But I won’t judge you if you want to fuck the Duarte girl. You could do bondage, tie her, and-”

“Shut up!” Cardan growls again.

We get off of the elevator, and while I take a shower in my bathroom, Cardan uses the one from the guest room. I finish it first. He could be stroking himself thinking about the Duarte girl in my suggestion of bondage, but it is more likely he is self depreciating, with his wounds on his back from Balekin’s beating.


	4. Only to fail

[Cardan’s POV]

The new girl saw me. She saw my brother kicking me so I would fall on my knees, then he took his belt and pushing my blazer up, he beat my back twice before letting me go. I saw her running away, and when I met Jude again, we were all in the garden to play pretend about a war between reigns. I tried to act like I didn’t see her there, staring me through the slightly open door as Balekin punished me. I tried to be normal and not panic about it. But the play made us separate from the group, and she took the opportunity to ask me if I needed help. Jude wanted me to tell my father what Balekin did. Who did she think she was? It was not allowed to say what I should or shouldn’t do. So I pushed her, and _she pushed me back_. We wrestled, rolling over the grass, then I rose, angry with her.

“Don’t you dare tell a soul about what you saw, or I will have Madoc on the streets right away, and he will throw you and your twin into an orphanage!”, I growled at her, and Jude didn’t look like she was scared. It drove me mad, those daring eyes.

She was being kind to me back then, I know. I knew it then. But I never knew kindness for free, and I hated Jude for scaring me with it. I hated that she was having fun in a new family, and that she saw my brother beating me. Jude Duarte and her stupid missing tip of a finger! She and her boldness. Fuck, I wanted to be like her!

\--

“Cardan, there is going to be a party in a fraternity this Friday. Do you wanna come?” Balekin stands by my room’s open door.

It is not the first time he invites me to a party, but one is never too careful around Balekin.

“Are you sure it is not a problem for you?”, I ask with caution. He seems to be in a good mood, smirking at me like we are buddies.

“Not if you and your date behave. You are smart enough to fear me more than fear the police”, he shrugs.

“Am I allowed to leave if I don’t want to be there anymore, or do I have to wait for you?”

Sometimes partying with Balekin can be fun, but when he wants to be cruel to me and don’t allow me to leave, he makes it very hard for me to live.

“Yeah, whatever. If you are not ready by 9 pm, I am leaving you behind!” Balekin waves his hand, as he turns to leave me alone again.

-texting-

_Cardan: “Balekin invited me to a party this Friday. Wanna go with me?”_

_Nic: “Can’t. I told you I have to attend this fancy dinner with my mom and her friends!”_

_Cardan: “Forgot. Please don’t marry anyone before letting me judge the poor soul”_

_Nic: “Since we are dating, mom has put on a hold the forceful meetings. Although, she might make suggestions... I will let you know if I meet my fated one over dinner!”_

_Cardan: “Also, tomorrow after school. Sex? Your place?”_

_...Nic is typing_

_Nic: “wet dreams, babe”_

There is a photo with Nicasia wearing a black laced underwear in front of her mirror attached, her boldness is more attractive than the picture itself.

\--

The bottle in my hand is empty now, so I throw it in the nearest street trash can, taking wobbling steps. The street lights are like close stars. What if I am upside down from the world? What if I am walking in the sky along the bright lights? I stop walking, lifting my head to face up. The vastness up there is so far away. Bitterness from the beer I last drank does not go well with the blood from the cut inside my mouth.

I failed again. I failed to be a proper impressive younger brother when a girl that Balekin wanted took interest in me. Where my fault is in that, I do not know. What didn’t fail was my brother’s threat, fulfilling its deed once his fist met my jaw. He did that in the back of the house, with no one to witness, of course. Better yet, he took my phone and sent me away – to walk home, which is about 6 km away from the fraternity's party. It is hard to recognize the streets, I am drunk enough to make the letters on the signs dance when I am sure they shouldn’t do it.

My feet are sore, and I am tired. How long have I been walking already? It hurts. It hurts to exist. Stumbling over my own foot, I fall. Too tired to care about the pain in my new bruised palms, I let myself lay, facing the sky once again. Why should I try to go back? No one would miss me. Actually, I have the impression that it is exactly what they want me to do, I just have been too stubborn to leave. I hear someone approaching, and I haven’t realized I had closed my eyes. My nightmare faces me with heed.

“Dazzling Jude”, I feel my grin. “We meet again!”

“What the fuck?” she asks. “Where are your friends? Why are you lying down in the middle of the street? Did someone finally beaten you?”

“Yes, I have been beaten”, I sigh. “Not the first time. Not the last, either”.

Silence. Jude has a frown. She is wearing a large grey sweatpants, a black tank top and black _Converse._ Her hair made in a ponytail, and she has a backpack, her bicycle beside her. My nemesis in comfortable clothes makes me think about the unthinkable, about a friend that I could hug and feel the warmth comforting me.

“Your brother”, Jude assumes. I grimace.

“Nothing new for either of us, isn’t that right deary? Where were you this late?”

“Training”.

Jude makes her bicycle stand by itself, and crouches beside me. I start sobering up as her hands pull me up with her, then she makes me sit on the back seat of her bicycle.

“I think I will fall... Oh, perhaps that is what you want”, I turn to meet her glare, and find it amusing.

“ _Try_ not to fall”.

Jude takes her seat and I wrap my arms around her waist. Is that a growl that she lets out? I tighten my embrace, resting my cheek on her backpack. Not a friend, nor quite a hug, nonetheless, there is comfort. Jude starts pedaling and I close my eyes thinking of this odd flow of events, feeling the cool breeze as a caress on my face.

“Out”, she shakes me. I didn’t realize when we stopped.

I turn to see that we are in front of my condominium. My body stiffens involuntary, my lips pressed in a line of dismay and angst.

“Cardan?”

Jude saying my name is like allowing me to breathe, even if I am sure I don’t deserve it. Her. Breathing. She sighs and starts pedaling again, making me lose balance and we almost fall.

“Hold on!”, she snarls.

I obey. Soon after we arrive at what I assume to be her home, since she makes me get off of the bicycle and she has keys to the garage.

“Madoc is working, Oriana is also working in another city. She took Oak with her”, Jude tells me as she opens the door to the living room and pushes me inside. “Taryn is sleeping at a friend’s house and Vivienne went to a party. Even so, please don’t make a mess in the house”.

Jude locks the door and takes her shoes off. She is wearing mismatched socks, however, instead of making fun of her, I rather think it is cute. Confused, I copy Jude’s actions, and follow her inside. The living room has a big couch that makes a turn by the corner, the television is about the size I have in my bedroom, there is a wooden center table over the white furry rug. It is a cozy place with a few photographs of the family hanging on the corridor’s wall. Jude leaves her backpack thrown over the stair’s first step, passing through it to the washroom in the middle of the corridor. I watch her open the cabinet and take a big white plastic box with a red cross.

“Perhaps it is better for you to clean yourself first, and later apply medicine over your wounds...” she mumbles mostly to herself.

I want to ask ‘why’, but I am afraid that if I do, Jude is going to send me away without thinking again. Why did she bring me to her home? Why is she taking care of me? But I know these answers. I knew ever since Jude tried to make me tell my father about my abusive brother. Jude is kind. Even if I am the worst person she knows, Jude is kind and won’t turn her back on me knowing what she knows about my injuries.

“Please don’t pass out in the shower!”, she avert her eyes from me. The kind Jude doubting her choices.

“Thank you”, I tell her, and she finally meets my gaze.

The walnut eyes that haunt me in my dreams, whether it is day or night. Jude nods, and hands me a towel, then leaves. I take a quick shower, sober now, only tired. I put back on my jeans and t-shirt. Before leaving the washroom, I face myself in the mirror. My jaw is bruised, my lip is cut. The most demage is inside my mouth, in my cheek. Then I walk out, holding my blazer in one hand and the wet towel in the other. Jude is nowhere on first floor, so I wait sitting on the couch, letting my bare feet feel the fluffiness of the rug. Fine. Not entirely sober yet. But mostly. Jude comes with the white box in her hand, her hair still wet from shower, she is wearing another pair of black sweatpants, a blue tank top and slippers. Her scent is nice, like chamomile and lemongrass, the one that sometimes makes me want to just stand near her so I can smell it. Jude turns the TV on, so we don’t keep the awkward silence, then lets the white box over the center table and takes the wet towel away – I don’t see where, but I imagine it is to the laundry.

Once she is back, Jude sits beside me, searching something inside the white box.

“Are you allergic to anything?”, she asks.

“No”, I answer lowly.

Jude drenches a cotton with a yellow medicine, then reaches her hand out to me, hesitating. I keep watching her as she applies the medicine on my jaw carefully. Then, Jude applies the same thing on my scratched hands. It stings. My heart. I hate her kindness. She gives me a painkiller to take with a glass of water, and I struggle a bit to swallow it. Jude vanishes again, and the sound of the TV is just a noise in the background that I cannot discern, my body prickles uncomfortable.

“Turn off the TV and come!”, Jude shouts from the corridor, and once again I obey her.

I find her ascending the stairs and I follow. There are six closed doors through the corridor on second floor, one of them has a big sign written ‘out!’. It is not Jude’s. Hers is opposite to it, and as we enter, I look around, perplexed that I am standing in Jude Duarte’s bedroom. And it is a mess. Her desk has open books and paper covering her open notebook, there are clothes spread on the floor, her bed is singled, with sheets and blanket wrinkled over one another. She has a part of the wall filled with scrap notes in different colors, beside a full body mirror. Between the notes, there are a few photographs. She is laughing with her family in most of them, and there is one in which I assume to be her real parents. Once again I find myself envying her life, the environment of love that she was raised in. Jude returns to the room, and I hadn’t realized that she had left at all. She brings a futon, spreading it beside her bed.

“Sleep there. Don’t wake me before I wake by myself. If you have to leave, just leave”, she throws me a blanket and a pillow, then leaves the room again only to return with her hair dried.

Laying on the futon I cover myself, processing what I am doing exactly. Jude throws herself onto her bed, making her way under her own blanket. I hear a _clic_ , and the lights are out, as little green leds lightens up beside her bed, hanging on the wall. Perhaps I am too stunned to understand. I wish I were that young again, to push Jude away and hurt her for being kind to me. I wish I were mature enough to stop hurting her.

\--

I am awaken abruptly, a heavy Jude falling over me with a grunt and a curse. Her hair covers my face, and I try to reach for it because it is itching, but I find my hands precluded.

“Sorry”, she says, her mouth impossibly close to my ear. “I forgot you were here!” I feel her trying to rise, but she struggles, cursing again. “Fucking blankets!”.

“Stop moving, Jude”, I ask her with a sleepy voice.

But of course she doesn’t listen to me, and tries to pull her leg from the blanket, her thigh rubbing me slightly. She stiffens, stopping to move.

“I told you to stop”, I croon.

“You have...”

“A hard on, yes.”

Silence.

“You still stink of booze”.

With more patience now, we untangle ourselves from our covers. Jude is red from her neck to her cheeks from embarrassment, averting her eyes. She quickly leaves the room, and I fall back asleep.

\--

“Cardan?” Jude shakes me. “Do you need to go to a hospital?”

“What? No, I am fine”, I rub my eyes to free them from the weight of my heavy sleep, then I realize I was crying. I turn away from her. “It was nothing”

“But you-“

“Nothing”.

I sleep again.

\--

When I wake, Jude is sleeping on her bed. I fold the blanket and the futon, then leave the room as silent as I can manage. It doesn’t seem that there is anyone here, so I take my blazer and shoes where I left them, unlock the front door, and leave. My headache is killing me, but for once, I am not thinking about dying just yet.


	5. The pearl out of her shell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no pattern about whose POV is next, I'm sorry. I wrote what seemed to be okay to the story's flow.

[Nicasia’s POV]

The sun is shining bright above our heads. I let my feet wobbling inside the pool as I sit on the edge with Locke beside me. Cardan and Valerian are playing inside the water with a volleyball as the radio plays pop hits at maximum volume.

“How are things with your mother?” Locke asks me.

Scrunching my nose, I tell him: “as always. Hard to believe that she will ever see me as an independent person. I know she is trying to secure me, and that she loves me. But it just never occurs to her that I don’t want the same things that she wants!”

“It sounds harsh”, Locke smiles sympathetic. “Are you going to tell her that you want to take the Music Course at The Folk of The Air University?”

“I don’t know, Locke”, his eyes appraises me, giving me his support. “It is not related to her cruise business, is it? She will be mad".

“But it is your dream”, Locke argues. “And you sing so beautifully, it would be a waist not to invest on it!”

I flush, and nudge my shoulder on his. “Don’t be cute on me!”

Locke laughs, making my eyes wander his lips. My chest aches a bit with guilt, and I turn to look up at the clouds, cottons taking shape of... A fox?

“Really, Nic, you should tell your mother soon”, Locke continues. “The sooner you tell, the sooner you can start preparing yourself for the possibilities. You know we are here for you. _I am here for you_ ”.

\--

Lately, Cardan is distracted. At school he barely joins the conversation, his laughter is not as joyous, and it worries me. It is not the first time Cardan wilts, frequently his mood changes abruptly, usually making him angrier and easily drawn into fights. But now he is not even tormenting Jude Duarte, he doesn’t scowls at her. He kisses me, touches me as kind as always, but Cardan stopped desiring more than that.

“Cardan, talk to me”, I ask him, laying beside him on his enormous bed. “Tell me what is going on, tell me what you are feeling!”

His eyes meet mine, daring me to understand him, or actually asking for it. But I can’t, it is like he is doing it to push me away. He is scaring me. I take a curl of his black hair behind his ear, and place my forehead on his.

“You know what”, Cardan starts caressing my arm, making circles with his thumb over my skin. His low voice sounds tired, sad. “Sometimes my world becomes grey, it is nothing new. And is not surprising either that you are drifting away”

“If anything, it is you who are drifting away!”, I accuse him.

“Fine, we both are”, the sorrow slips through his whisper.

“Cardan!”, I press my lips on his, then I find his eyes shut, his brows knitted together as he tries not to cry. I feel my tears as my eyes widen. Is he breaking up with me? I cannot ask.

My heart is sinking like an ice stone, beating violently as I feel Cardan embracing me tightly. The musk scent from his perfume burns my lungs as I breath.

“It is alright”, he says with a hoarse voice. “I never made it easy to love me, Nic. It is alright if you started loving him”

“What? Who?”, I am sobbing.

“Locke. I see how you look at him. You rarely looked at me like that, but you made me happy-”, his voice crackles. I hug him tight, feeling him crying on my shoulder.

“But Cardan, I love you!”

“I know”, he sniffles, trying to stop his crying. “You love me, but it is as a friend, Nicasia”. It hurts me, the truth in his words, the sorrow of our end. It makes me lonely, a void open in my chest. “I love you too, you know?”, I nod, not capable of forming words. “We are still friends, okay?” I nod again.

We kiss and cry a while more. Then Cardan _lets me go_.

\--

I tell my mother that I want to try a career within the music industry, and we fight. She yells at me all the work of her life, all that she achieved through difficulties, and that I am tossing aside her hard work. I yell back, not caring that she might ground me, because I still hurt for not loving Cardan enough. I thought I could be there for him, but I am not even _here_ standing for myself. My mom cries with anger, and I cry for being a disappointment.

“Why can’t you be like that sweet young girl, Jude Duarte?”, she throws on my face. “She is adopted, but she behaves and doesn’t cause problems for Madoc. Actually, the man likes to brag proudly how she is training box in his gym. Why can’t you follow my steps proud of my achievements?”

Mom stops yelling, she is panting, her make up ruined as mine.

“I am proud of you, mom!”, my voice crackles. She used the worst person to compare me with. “But I am not your young self! I am _me_! Nicasia! Not Jude Duarte either!”

She assesses me for a few, long, tick-tocks from the big clock on the wall.

“Fine. You may do as you wish. I hope you can be happy, Nicasia”, she tells me, and I wait for the trick. “If you get a full scholarship, you can have my support in your musician life. But if you don’t, I will pay for the Administration Course, and you will work hard to learn how to handle the cruise business. Deal?”

“Deal”, I answer without hesitation, lifting up my chin proudly. I will get this scholarship, and she will be proud of me.


	6. Always a play

[Locke’s POV]

Some people are easier to manipulate than others, and only Cardan has allowed me do as I please consciously knowing what I was doing to him. He is a problem. My parents died in a strange flow of events. After discovering that my mother was having an affair with Eldred Greenbriar, my father left home. A year later, we received the announcement of his death, drowned in the sea, leaving all his money to me. Not long after, my mother died during lunch with me in one of her favorites restaurants. She choked drinking wine. An unpleasant sight, which my imagination led me to questioning, and with my money, I could pay the right person to discover that she was poisoned. There is no proof of who poisoned her, thus, I can only speculate how Eldred wanted her gone. Her brother came to live with me; uncle Zephyr takes care of my money while I am underage, but I know how to keep an eye on him so he won’t take it all for him. He is never home, which is the way I prefer.

I never wanted Eldred dead for killing my mother, but making him miserable, that is another story. I didn’t like Cardan back then, such a spoiled kid, son of a murderer. He stayed by me during my mourning days, he made me hot cocoa, full with marshmallows and held my hand, not knowing what to say when someone loses a mother, even thought he lost his mother years before and I never did any of that to him.

We are in one of my classmate’s party, Susan. She asked me to invite Cardan, after hearing about the break up. The whole school seemed to mourn their break up, but Cardan and Nicasia being who they are, it only took a couple of days so they were competing to who would kiss more people than who, within a week’s time. People made lines for them, so vulgar. Valerian hooks his arm around my shoulders, the beans of colored lights changing the color of his hair like it is a canvas. The song is playing so loud that I feel my whole body vibrating with the beat.

“I don’t know which one is it, but one of the worms wants you bad”, Valerian shouts in my ear, so I can hear him.

I follow his gaze and spot her looking at me. She is talking with another classmate, Lucy, swaying their bodies while there is a cup in her hand. Potentially alcohol.

“I think it is Taryn”, I shout back at Valerian. “Jude hates us”

“I don’t know, man”, Valerian takes a sip from his cup. It smells sweet, and I take it from him to try it. Strong vodka with ice, strawberry and sugar, I like it. “Sometimes I feel that Jude and Cardan could start a savage sex right in front of us”.

Interesting, it is not only I that thinks like that. Cardan and Nicasia suddenly jump in front of us, laughing and pushing each other slightly. Nicasia is wearing a black shirt with long sleeves, a jeans skirt that goes from her slim waist to her thigh, just enough to cover her ass, and white sneakers. A pair of silver hoops embellish her ears, and her sea-colored hair is loose. I know why Cardan loved her, she is beautiful and cheerful, it is hard to not be charmed by her.

“My brother called” Cardan tells us, still laughing. “I have to leave the party and once I am out, our bet is over”

“So Nicasia wins?” Valerian confirms, laughing at Cardan, “Poor you!”

“It was not that bad, Cardan”, I tease him. “You only lost for what? Four mouths not kissed?”

“Two!” he corrects me. “I just got out from a triple kiss. Like, I kissed two mouths at once”

“Awesome!” Valerian high fives with Cardan, and Nicasia laughs at them.

“It is going to get better!” Cardan says excited, and lacing his fingers on Valerian’s, Cardan pulls him closer to crash his mouth onto Valerian’s.

The sound of the music is muffled as I process what I am seeing. Valerian doesn’t pull away, and I look at Nicasia, to find her as surprised as I am. It is possible to see their tongues twisting, tasting each other. Cardan bites Valerian’s bottom lip, and pulls it before letting Valerian go. Then he turns his hungry dark eyes to me, and I feel cursed in place, as if the world is heavy. His lips curves into his smug smirk as he approaches me, my body starts tingling. Cardan runs his fingers through my hair, then grips it and pull my head closer, making our lips meet. He doesn’t give me time to absorb, pushing his tongue inside my mouth and sweeping it, inviting my tongue to dance. I kiss him back. Fuck, he is a good kisser! He does the same thing he did to Valerian, biting me and pulling my lip before letting me go.

Cardan turns to Nicasia: “I win, princess!”, and he runs from the party like a happy kid, before Nicasia tries to argue.

Valerian takes his drink back from my hand. “What an asshole!” he says, shaking his head chuckling, then finishes his drink.

\--

_-texting-_

_Nicasia: “Are you sure you want to help me rehearse for my choral performance?”_

_Locke: “I told you that I am here for you!”_

_Nicasia: “What do I owe you?”_

_Locke: “Saying it like that inspires me, Nic. Don’t try it!”_

_Nicasia: “What if I like your idea?”_

_Locke: “You totally would like it, but that doesn’t mean that you should”_

_Nicasia: “Be there in 20!”_

_Locke:“Waiting”_

\--

Nicasia arrives and we settle in the living room. She wears a light pink dress and white sneakers. Her eyes keep wandering my body, as she sings perfectly “My Immortal”, from Evanescence, and I play the guitar. She is like a perfect statue to have in this elegantly decorated room my mother made; a doll inside a tea house. She has a silver starfish pierced in her ear.

“Cardan gave me”, Nicasia tells me after finishing the song, touching lightly the jewelry.

“He has humor. A starfish within the sea of your hair”, I take the guitar aside, letting it lay on the couch. “and good taste, since it highlights how you do well with your blue hair. Beautiful, no question”.

“Do you think we are going to get screwed this Saturday?”, she changes the subject purposefully.

“We have a plan: ruin Eldred’s party, then flee. I think we have it all sorted out”, I give her a wide grin, and she laughs.

Getting to my feet, I take a glass of water for me, and offer her one, taking the opportunity to return to the couch sitting closer to her. Nicasia understands what I am doing, humor and desire playing together in her smile.

“Did you like kissing Cardan?”, she asks me, leaving her empty glass on the center table, and getting back to me.

“Yes. Did you?”

“Yes. He is good with his mouth... And everything else. Annoying Cardan!”, Nicasia rolls her eyes.

“Let me show you how I kissed him back, so you can judge me as well”

A manipulative tease. My prey giggles, then nods. I lean forward, and kiss her mouth without hesitating. Nicasia immediately wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me closer, wanting more of me than just a kiss. My hands hold her waist, a delicate being for me to hold, for me to stain with my master of puppets' hands. I pull her onto my lap, and grunt with pleasure. Nicasia starts kissing my neck while grinding our lower parts against one another, moaning to my skin.

“Nic...” I pull her face so our eyes meet. She wants me, and knowing it makes a current of heat run through me. “Nic, I don’t want to date. I am not Cardan. We can do whatever right now, but I won’t date you”

“I am not asking you to marry me, jerk!”, she snarls.

“Perfect”, I lower my hands back to her waist. “You deserve better”

Then I force her to grind. Once. Twice. I watch Nicasia biting her lip. She kisses me harder, and I take my mouth from her to trail her neck, her collarbone, the neckline of her dress. As I do my ministrations, my mind is filled with these questions. Did he make her like this? Did Cardan had Nicasia dancing on his lap, wetting him through their clothes as she is doing now? I know they fucked a lot, and I wonder how _he_ felt. Is this how she held him back? I am taken by the fever, and Nicasia lets me join in her dance, skin against skin.

\--

It has been a while since Cardan last tormented Jude Duarte, or let us do it in his place, so I can understand why Jude looks so appalled. Valerian is throwing the things from her backpack in the school’s pool.

“Did you miss her face of dismay?” I ask Cardan, that is watching Jude, waiting for her reaction. I can see he is thrilled, his lips slightly curving by the corner.

“It appears that _she_ missed us, dear Locke”, he answers without taking his eyes from her. “It started yesterday, when she was riding her bike distracted by another boy crossing the street, and she hit me. Jude was lucky she missed Valerian, or he would’ve punched her right there. To make things even, earlier today I stole the breakfast Jude had just bought. She tried to recover it, but ended up spilling the cappuccino over Valerian’s uniform, and ran from him”

“Oh, so that is his revenge”, I understand.

There is no one else around besides us four and the twins. Taryn is terrified of Valerian. She glances at me, as if I could help her sister somehow. But I don’t _want_ to. Is Taryn going to give up her crush on me, seeing me doing nothing? I can’t decide if she is boring or not; however, I have come to accept she is attractive. Cardan’s phone rings, and he grimaces as he answers it. It is a quick call, then he sinks the phone back into his pocket.

“Valerian, we need to go”

Valerian lets go of Jude’s backpack, and bumps her as he walks toward us.

“Scum”, I read his lips as he whispers to Jude.

We leave school to meet Balekin outside waiting inside his car. He takes us all to the Greenbriar mansion, where we have to make a rehearsal of our presentation, that Eldred commanded for Cardan to show something and not be just a weight of a son in his party. Playing as behaved kids trying to impress our families, we spend the rest of the day there.


	7. It was red for love, or was it to kill? It could be both

[Jude’s POV]

There was never a party at the Greenbriar mansion that didn’t make my insides cold with dread, and I can taste bile while Madoc parks his car as he did the very first time I came to the mansion. Oriana had even given us the same speech back at home. At least, after Taryn and I were ten years old, we were allowed to choose our own clothes, and didn’t have to look like clones. I hated when people thought it was cute to have us mirrored or having us changing only the color of the gown, but the fabric and design were the same. I have my own personality, and was not made to be somebody’s entertainment!

For tonight, I chose a black gown with heart shaped neckline, sleeves to my elbows, and the skirt ends by my knees on the front side, whilst it ends by my feet on the back side. My high heels are red, matching the bloody color of the purse in my hand. I managed a low bun with my hair, and I am wearing red lipstick. Vivi had applauded me for my choices. She is wearing a long navy dress with her back exposed, and black high heels. Madoc tells us to behave, and leaves us complaining that he is needed elsewhere in his work.

“So, I am talking with these people about joining their fraternity, but I still don’t think that I want a big place”, Vivi tells me while we stand near the fountain, waiting for Oriana, Oak and Taryn to arrive. Taryn was taking too long to apply her make up, that is what got Madoc under his nerves tonight. “perhaps I should announce online that I am looking for a single person to share an apartment the closest possible to the university, so I can wake up five minutes before classes start”

“But isn’t it more expensive near the university?”

“That is why I am willing to share a place, else I would be living alone”, Vivi scoffs, and I laugh at her.

It already feels strange that Vivi is going to university next semester, for Ecology Course. I am still weighting weather I want Law or Economics. Vivi’s face enlighten, and I am already turning to make fun of Taryn, only to meet unhappiness. It is not my twin, but the devil. Cardan, in his most fine charcoal tuxedo, a tie the color of wine, golden piercings on his ears, matching a few of the extravagant rings in his elegant hands. He is with the usual black eyeliner smudged under his eyes, the darkness that could bore holes through me, almost inhuman. It could be inhuman, since I just thought he is the devil. A hell of a handsome devil. Cardan’s grin widen in response to my scrunched nose. He rests a hand on Vivi’s waist, leaning to kiss her cheeks.

“We are going to have an after party at Locke’s”, he tells us. “Do you think you can go?”

Cardan steps to my side, resting his hand on my waist and kissing my cheek as if we were close acquainted, as if he hadn’t stolen my breakfast the day before and watched Valerian throw my things into the school’s pool. 

“Cool!” Vivi says excited. “Is Rhyia also going?”

“Don’t worry, Vivi, there will be older people and not just us brats there!”, Cardan answers casually, but I am conscious of his hand still resting on my waist.

“Oh”, Vivi feigns worry. “Jude is still a pure girl. If the party is going to be like the last one I have been with you, I fear for her soul!”

Cardan laughs, amused.

“No need to worry, Vivi. I know Jude is tough, but we have not called on strippers for tonight!”

“Can you both stop talking as if I am not here?” I say angrily, but it only makes them laugh more, so I roll my eyes.

“Cardan!”, a man shouts, and I feel Cardan stiffening beside me, his smile changes slightly with dismay.

The man approaches us, like an older outrageous version of Cardan wearing a purple tuxedo, without the black eyeliner and so many rings, only one golden earring. I remember Balekin is only six years older than us, he must be finishing his graduation degree this semester. As he lays eyes on me, I feel Cardan’s hand heavier on my waist. It could be a warning of caution, because we both know the damage Balekin can cause; however, it feels a lot more like possessiveness on Cardan’s account. Balekin kisses Vivi’s cheek as Cardan did, then takes my hand to kiss the back of it.

“The ever so beautiful sisters”, he tells us in a silky voice that rings an alarm in the back of my head, Balekin is worse then my acquainted devil.

Cardan hovers closer, and for once, I am glad he does.

“Did you call for me, brother?” Cardan asks.

“Yes, you are needed in the back stage”.

I wanted to be as terrifying as Balekin, to cause fear in Cardan’s cold heart, but as soon as I remember what the older brother does to maintain his infamous quality, I change my mind and can almost pity Cardan. Almost. Soon after Cardan’s hand leaves my waist, I feel the place tingling, missing his warmth. Oriana, Oak and Taryn arrive in time to greet Cardan before he enters the mansion by himself. The three of them are elegantly dressed: Oak with a black suit, Oriana with a long red dress, with a slit on the skirt up to her knee, and Taryn with a long light pink dress, a nice cleavage exposing more skin that I ever dared to. Balekin links my arm on his right arm, and Vivi’s on his left, then accompanies us inside, telling us tips about The Folk of The Air University. Of course he takes the chance to brag about the wealth of the Greenbriar Industries, that allows Eldred to own fifty percent of the University.

The mansion is impressive as ever, and tonight, the main saloon is heavily decorated in green leaves and cranberries. Balekin tells us that the theme is ‘a revel in the forest’. There are also vines and roots, and led hanging on the ceiling as if they were stars. As we dine, Oriana leads the conversation asking more of Balekin’s plans, giving me the impression that she is pushing the right buttons just to please the Greenbriar. After all the guests have finished eating, Eldred goes up on stage to give a speech. He thanks his partnerships, and announces the business he has made to expand the Greenbriar Industries. All guests applaud him, and he gives space for each of his children entertain the guests on stage, either making a speech of how proud they were of their father, and how glad they were to be part of Elfhame history, or making a presentation of their own achievements. They make toasts at the end of each speech.

It is possible to see the displeasure on Eldred’s face once he calls on Cardan. The curtains behind the stage open as Eldred descends, revealing Cardan sitting by a piano, Nicasia with a cello, Locke with a ukulele, and Valerian on the back with drums.

“Please, come closer to the stage. Let us share a good moment with our _precious_ guests”, Cardan says.

He watches as all the guests leave their tables and crowd in front of the stage. The dark pits of his eyes meet mine, and he winks at me. I turn to look around, I must have mistaken him. They start playing a soft melody, that turns into a cheerful song, then to a slow and heavy rhythm. Unexpectedly, I recognize to where Cardan has led the music. All the others stop playing, but it is clear that it was arranged before hand. Cardan starts to sing “ _don’t stop me now_ ”, by Queen. His friends start playing again, and somehow Locke has a guitar on his hands now, running his fingers through the strings, giving more power to the song. Cardan gets on his feet at the chorus, playing violently the keyboard as he gets excited.

I catch myself dancing, and realize that I am not the only one taken by the upbeat song. Oak dances with me, and I let myself have fun. People start accompanying the rhythm clapping hands, and when the song ends, they all applaud Cardan and his friends.

“Don’t you think Locke was amazing?” Taryn asks me on my ear, so only I can hear her.

“They all are”, I answer, and she giggles excitedly.

Taken by the agitated crowd, the responsible for the musics playing at this party starts another upbeat song, pleasing the dancing people. My siblings and I join the crowd, only stopping to drink or eat sweets. I don’t know how much time passes while we dance, unused to feel the joy of dancing songs that I like in public. I take my leave to the ladies room, feeling my feet sore, and when I open a cabin, I startle, almost falling behind.

“Fuck! What are you doing here? Are you a creep perverted or what?” I ask, recovering my calm, but my heart doesn’t cooperate.

Cardan is there, sitting over the toilet’s closed cover, his phone in his hands as he looks up at me. He grins.

“Why ask if I am a creep perverted? We both know that it is true, Duarte. You can be more creative than that!”

Before I manage an answer we hear the door opening. Cardan immediately pulls me by my wrist, and lock us inside the cabin with me sitting on his lap in an uncomfortable way, his eyes locked on mine. I want to strangle him, yell at him, but the sound on the last cabin, of someone peeing, sets my face on fire, and I can’t form words or allow me any sound with this much embarrassment, while the devil’s grin only widens. The person flushes away her doing, and gets out of the cabin, but remains in the room. I imagine she is refreshing her make up. Cardan types on his phone, and shows me the screen.

_“I am hiding from my father”_

Fine, a reasonable argument. Eldred must have not predicted that Cardan would change his elegant party into whatever he did. He taps more.

_“I saw you dancing”_

I take his phone to type an answer: _“So what?”_

_Cardan: “It was odd. Jude Duarte doesn’t know how to have fun”_

_Me: “You don’t know me, you just know the girl you bully”_

_Cardan: “uuuu passive aggressive”_

The person leaves the room, and I free myself from Cardan, leaving the cabin.

“Were you not going to use the room?” Cardan asks in that presumptuous voice, teasing me.

“Oh, you would want to hear me, wouldn’t you? Freak.”

“It could be interesting”, Cardan chuckles, rising and taking a step closer. “But you know that there is a more interesting thing to do in a public restroom, don't you deary?”

The door opens abruptly, making us jump with the startle. An old lady looks from me to Cardan, and he takes me by the wrist, deviating the woman, leading me out of the room. The security spots us, and Cardan pulls me, making me run with him. He glimpses at his phone screen, then dashes to the exit of the mansion. A car is waiting with the back door open. Cardan throws me inside, and gets in right after, closing the door. The car departs immediately, and I don’t know how to feel.

“Why am I here? I need to leave”, I start panicking.

“We are going to the after party”, Cardan sits more relaxed, typing a message to someone on his phone.

“Not with you, not like this! Let me out!”, I look around, we are leaving the parking lot.

“Send a text to Vivienne, telling her that you are going first”, Cardan turns to me, and puts a strand of my hair behind my ear. I feel weak, dizzy. “Breathe”.

“I am not calming down with just that!”

“Remember what I told you before the old lady showed up? That there is a more interesting thing to do in a public restroom”, Cardan repeats himself, and I nod. “In case you have not understood, I was talking about exchanging hot kisses and intense touches. That is probably what the old lady thought we were doing, and the security. Therefore, if I had left you behind, people would start bothering you with unpleasing questions, so I decided to do a good deed, and brought you along with me. Your sister said you were going to the after party, anyways”

I cover my cheeks with my hands, perplexed.

“Madoc must be mad now! Oh, what have I done?”

“Nothing, actually. Although, you could have done _something_ ”.

I am not sure what Cardan is implying, so I take my phone. There is a notification about five missing calls, and eighteen unread texts. With no time to lose, I text Madoc and Oriana that I am fine, that nothing happened with Cardan, and that we are going to another party. Then I text to my sisters, asking them to rescue me.

“Jude, if you were to decide on a song to make a big entrance in a party, which one would it be?”, Cardan asks, scrolling his phone’s screen. It is a _Spotify_ list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Which song would you pick?


	8. Wicked heart

[Nicasia’s POV]

Smoke filled the room along with the weed’s smell. Even with the door closed, we can still hear the music playing loud in the living room, the walls trembling with the grave sounds. There are classmates around us, and their friends, and friends of friends. It is funny how they fear us, but they love us all the same. The way they smile trying to catch our attention, the things they say to please our ears, it is all part of the game. There is laughter and loud chat, but I am focused on Locke’s mouth right now, feeling his hands roaming my body, as I lay over him on the couch. We had been drinking ever since we ran from Eldred’s party, which means a couple of hours. When Valerian, Locke and I came to Locke’s house, the party was already on. We had talked the possibilities before, of Cardan possibly not being allowed coming to the after party, getting caught and punished, but he made it clear that he wanted for us to flee, no matter what, so we did.

I had smoked, and soon after found my way over Locke. It is stupid to fall in love with someone that does not love you back. From what I know of Locke, he is not going to ever reciprocate my feelings, so I am willing to enjoy what he gives me, as long as it lasts. There is no insurance on Locke’s lips, there is no safety in the fluffiness of his reddish hair, therefore my future awaits me with a painful loneliness. I could not love Cardan enough, perhaps it is what I deserve. Suddenly, Locke starts laughing. I am high and drunk, a terrible combination. Kissing Locke in front of everybody is the cherry on top of the cake stuffed with madness. I laugh with him: “What is it?”

“The music”, he keeps laughing. “It changed without the previous one had finished”

I stop to pay attention. It is playing “ _Are you gonna be my girl_ ”, by _Jet_. Then I understand: there is someone with access to Locke’s stereo through Bluetooth. “Cardan! He came!”

I jump from Locke, laughing, and we run to the living room. We bump onto Valerian, that says something, laughing, but I can’t hear him. There is a commotion by the entrance, and we walk closer to see him. He is dancing with someone, taking her into his arms, making her spin. Cardan carries her bride-like, then lets go of her legs as he spins, making her body circumvent him, and he catches her legs again, now her body against his back. I see amazement crossing her face, then she closes her eyes when Cardan spins her back to the bride-like carrying. There is something wrong with my guts seeing him laughing with her. Valerian is wearing a murderer expression, while Locke laughs, amused.

Cardan lets Jude Duarte back on her feet, holding her hand as they twist and dance until the music is over. I didn’t realize Locke had left my side, and now he is there, dancing with Cardan and Jude. Before I know it, I approach them, closer to Jude.

“I didn’t know you had moves!”, I shout at her, so she can hear me.

“I don’t!”, Jude answers, shaking her head as if she doesn’t believe what she had done.

“Did the two of you had sex?” Locke asks.

Jude stops dancing, suddenly remembering that we are not friends.

“We didn’t”, Cardan answers. “Where is the alcohol?”

Locke hooks his arm around Cardan’s neck, taking him away. Jude stays behind, and I give her a wink before following them. We get to the kitchen, finding people making out and drinking. Locke gives us cups and pour us wine.

“What was that, Cardan?” Valerian takes the bottle from Locke’s hand and drinks straigth from it.

“Jealous of me? I am here now”, Cardan chuckles, and takes a sip from his wine.

“Why were you with the worm Jude?” Valerian insists.

“She helped me escape my father” Cardan meets my eyes, and his arrogance oscillates. “I received a picture of you, taking your time with Locke”

“You are using us so you don’t answer more about Jude”, Locke snickers.

“It seems, my friends, that we created a tension between us”, Cardan drinks all his wine and takes the bottle from Valerian’s hand. “I am not in the mood to fight you, so I am going to find someone which company may result in a wild passionate adventure. And no, it won’t be from the Court of Worms! Cheers”

Cardan leaves the kitchen, and Locke has a frown. Perhaps he is too high to process. Cardan knew, he'd even broken up with me because of my feelings for Locke, but it looks like it still upsets him.

“Now you and Locke?” Valerian asks me.

“No, we are not together”, I answer.

And since I am sad, angry, and under the effect of alcohol with weed, I let my hand on his neck, pulling Valerian to crash my mouth onto his, and he kisses me back.

\--

My first year in high school is coming to an end. It is possible to taste the excitement about one less year to go in the air, after all the stress of tests and begging the teachers for better grades. I am not one of the beggars, neither my friends are. One may think it is odd for the bullies having the best grades of our year, but we do. The list is only interrupted by one worm, it goes from top to bottom: Cardan, Jude, Nicasia, Locke and Valerian. Sometimes the worm is the first name in the list, and these times are when Cardan’s mood gets worse. I can’t blame him, since my mother throws Jude’s name on my face, as if the girl is better than me. She is not. Jude doesn’t struggle with her family, she is loved and supported, and is happy to comply with her foster parents’ demands.

I bet they won’t make Jude choose a University Course that she doesn’t want to, so her life is free of unpleasant thoughts. If Jude were to stay away from the bullies, her life would be boring, but the safest life to have. Ever since that party when Cardan danced with Jude, I spot the girl stealing glances at him. Is it possible that she was charmed by Cardan? She must be a masochist, enjoying the suffering! It takes one to recognize the other. Locke still plays with me and my heart. He controls me as he does with all the dreamy girls that surround him, and to not let me feel more pain than necessary, I study, swim, practice and rehearsal, making a productive use of my time. If I let the tears fall, it is only because I allow them to. I won’t cry for Locke enough to be sick, but I will share my tears, because I can have feelings too.


	9. New home

[Vivienne’s POV]

There was no need to attend prom, since it is not the kind of party that I like to attend. I’d rather have a trip, but it was a decision that my classmates made together. That is the kind of thing that made me not like them; I am not gonna miss them at all. They also chose we would have to wear purple gowns, to identify us among the crowd. Oriana made mine with strands on my back, a neckline that goes to my navel, a skirt long enough to cover my black heels. There is no questioning about her good taste, I look stunning in this gown. Even though I complained about having a prom, Oriana is very much pleased, smiling at me proudly; a rare occasion, since my grades were never that good. Jude was the prodigy sibling, there was no arguing in that, but after Oak, Taryn was the most favored between us. It was not that different with my real mother and the twins’ father, that I also used to call ‘dad’. That is why I am so glad to leave home. I am going to meet new people that still don’t know my family, and they might like me, they won’t compare me with my siblings, calling me irresponsible.

I love my siblings, but still, they know how to annoy me sometimes. For instance, Taryn is fixing my dress for the tenth time now, Oak is having a rampage because we are not playing with him yet, waiting for the staff crew organize the graduating students in line, and Jude is sitting by our table with a scowl, I have no idea why. Madoc takes my arm on his.

“Leave, Taryn”, he tells her. “And take good pictures of us!”

She kisses my cheeks excitedly, then leaves to sit beside Oriana trying to calm down Oak.

“You shouldn’t spend money with this for me”, I complain to Madoc. “I am already making you help me with the first month of rent!”

“It is not helping, it is your money”, Madoc tells me.

“No, I didn’t work to earn it”, I scoff.

“You earned it by being born as my daughter, Vivi. Oh, it is our turn!”, he pulls me so we walk into the big salon. The song starts and we waltz.

“I don’t think it is fair to spend your money on me...” I return to the subject.

“Vivi, I've gone through years saving money for your college. Not just yours, but for your siblings as well. We are not usually good at expressing our love, so at least allow me this. Even if you don’t want it, I am going to transfer money to your bank account every month, and if you hate it so much, donate it. Just remember that the money is a token of my affection, caring for your well being”

I hate it when Madoc acts like a father and I can’t be mad at him. At least he cares for the twins as if they were his own children as well.

“Don’t worry so much, it is only until you graduate from University!” He gives me a chuckle.

“Fine”, I answer him, showing him my tongue. “Thank you!”

After the waltz is over, we are free to eat and dance. Rhyia finds me, pulling me to dance with her. She is beautifully dressed in a flowery purple gown without sleeves.

“Have you met your roommate yet?” she asks me.

“Yeah, Heather is a sweet girl. She takes the Art Course, and is already in her second year! And did you meet your roommates from the fraternity?”

“Yes, and it seems like they party hard, so my friend, keep close and you shall have some fun!” Rhyia winks at me, making me laugh.

Taryn joins us, but soon after she leaves to dance with a guy I don’t know. Two well-dressed blond boys start dancing with us, soon after they kiss Rhyia and I. There is a wrongness in his kiss, and I pull away. Rhyia thinks differently about her partner, so I leave with an awkward smile, to meet Jude sitting by our table, watching Madoc dancing with Oariana and Oak.

“Did your fish die?” I ask Jude, sitting beside her.

She frowns.

“What?”

“You look like you had a dear fish, and he died. Seriously, Jude, what happened?”

Jude meets my eyes, unsure if she wants to tell me or not. I narrow my eyes, a warn that if she chooses to not tell me, I am going to be pissed of. Perhaps I already am.

“It is... Fine, I will tell you”, she grimaces. “I had my period last week, and the fucking thing stained my school’s trousers. Valerian took a photo of it, and I became a _meme_!”

“Let me see it!”

“Vivi!”

I can’t help but laugh, imagining Jude ashamed of such a normal thing. Of course she would, afraid of being disrespectful to the ethical politics of society.

“Jude, every healthy woman has periods, and it can happen the thing sliding to unhappy places, staining clothes. I am not laughing that it is funny to have blood on your ass, but because you are mad at it. Chill! If it were me, I would’ve have turned to Valerian saying something like ‘good, you are not a father! You see, I couldn’t have been more happy, since you are not that good on bed’, or ‘you are just glad to find an excuse to look at my ass, scumbag!’. Which one do you prefer?” Good, Jude is laughing, and I feel relief.

\--

Heather helps me unpack, since she had arrived earlier and had already made herself at home. It is a small apartment, with two bedrooms and a single bathroom, but it serves its purpose. I wonder if she uses a lotion to keep her skin smooth, maybe I should try some as well. Her nails are pink as the end of her hair, and I like her strawberry with cinnamon scent, it is like one of those fancy drinks, although Heather is far from looking like the rich fancy girls that attend Eldred’s parties.

She gives me a map of the campus, and I love it.

“You drew me a map! You are so awesome!”

“I thought you would think it is too cheesy, I am glad you look truly happy with it!”, she shies.

We dress ourselves up to the party at Rhyia’s fraternity. Heather looks a bit uncomfortable, but soon loosens up, talking to me about comic books and her work. The fraternity is a big house, could also be a mansion, with twelve girls living here, including Rhyia. It has three floors, and there are people everywhere. Heather introduces me to those whom she knows, and we drink together. Someone hooks an arm around my waist, and I turn ready to give an ugly glare, but I find Cardan grinning at me.

“How do you like life out of high school so far?” he asks me.

“Most pleased, definitely! And for the looks of it, you are so glad Rhyia is now a university student, having another party to attend”, I make him turn to meet my roommate. “Heather, this is Cardan. Rhyia’s younger brother, and also the nightmare of my younger sister”

“It is my pleasure to meet you, lovely Heather”, Cardan takes her hand, to kiss the back of it, then turns to me. “Is Jude here?”

“Why? Do you want to torment her?”, I narrow my eyes at him. Cardan is clearly drunk.

“Always”, he giggles.

“Oh, so you are one of those kids”, Heather says, and Cardan lifts a brow. “You know, the ones that do anything to have the attention of those who they love, even being mean to them”

I start laughing at his face, and Cardan scrunches his nose. Jude will love Heather!

“Am I that easy to read?”

“Yeah!”, Heather continues. “And in case anyone has not told you, that is not nice of you, Cardan. If you like the person, you must do your best to make them happy. That is common knowledge!”

“It does makes sense”, Cardan nods, “someone should tell my family that. Or do you think they already know it, Vivi?”

What a dark question. Although, I know what he means, how his family seems to make efforts to not have Cardan around. Even Rhyia doesn’t like him much. She tells me that Cardan is too lazy and too moody, but I have always wondered if his moody temper was not his family’s fault.

“Well, you know now”, I tell him, instead of maintaining the dark path. “So if you like Jude, treat her better!”

“Since you both think like that, I feel it is my duty to say it. If you bully someone, that doesn’t always mean that you like that someone in any romantic way”, Cardan whispers as if he is telling a secret.

“True enough”, Heather answers. “But it is your case, isn’t it? You do like Jude. Poor girl!”

Cardan gives an empty chuckle. He bows exaggeratedly, then leaves us to meet someone I don’t know in the crowd.

“Does Jude know?” Heather asks me. “Does she know that this Cardan is in love with her?”

“I don’t know Heather. It was nice of you to torment him, I appreciate it. But Cardan has some issues, he gets into fights a lot, from what I’ve heard, so he could be mean to Jude just because he doesn’t like her”

“Yeah, I don’t know him, nor your sister, but from his looks, Vee, it made me believe that he is lost in love with the girl”, she shrugs.

 _Vee._ A new nickname, like we are close friends. It makes me fondly happy, with my cheeks prickling. 


	10. Ready, set, go!

[Taryn’s POV]

Second year of high school. It would be wonderful to have an Edward Cullen around, but the weather wouldn’t cooperate. I am in the same class as Jude, Locke, Valerian, Nicasia and Cardan, and I finally see how they treat my sister so badly. That is why Jude never wanted to come with me to a party at Locke’s home, that is why she insisted on taking boxing training at Madoc’s gym. Inspired by Jude, Madoc is now training people, included Jude, besides working as the security chief for Eldred Greengriar. My identical twin has now a slightly different body than mine, more aggressive muscles, while I have the ones from my ballet classes, more delicate. Jude sits beside me, and she looks happy to have me around. Apparently being enemy to Cardan and his crew does not allow one to have friends.

Valerian is the most eager to annoy Jude. Today he started by throwing her things from her desk to the ground, and left to sit in his place on the back of the class.

“Ignore him! If you keep glaring back, he won’t leave you alone!”, I try to make her see some sense.

But does she listen to anyone? Never. Locke still meets my gaze, and smiles at me. I am sure he knows how attractive I find him. However, he kisses Nicasia frequently at parties, not giving much of a chance to me. Physics classes are so difficult to understand, but Jude finds it fascinating, and easily goes well on tests. Even better than Cardan.

“At least dancing doesn’t involve Physics tests”, I tell her once our lessons are over.

“No, I am pretty sure that dancing is pure Physics, Taryn. About momentum, forces, and-”

“Don’t wanna hear it, Jude” I croon, cutting her dreamy nerd explanation. “Instead, I want to convince you going to this Friday night’s party, at Locke’s”

“I told you no, already!”, Jude rolls her eyes. “You have friends, and I am not good with people, you would have to stay beside me through the whole night. Thank you for inviting me, though”, she smiles clumsy.

“Fine. But Oriana will try to persuade you. You know, she worries that you might be a sick kid, and perhaps she will suggest you return to therapy!”

\--

It is not my first time at one of Locke’s parties, so I know where to go if I want drinks or weed, to dance or for a more exclusive room for making out with a stranger. The loud music takes control of me, making me start moving even if my friend Lucy prefers to get drunk first. We meet a group of girls that we usually gather together in these parties, they are gossiping about a senior being caught with someone from college, and they all seem excited about it. I manage a laugh, but I have no idea who they are talking about. There are hands on my waist, pulling me. I stumble walking backwards, trying to see who it is. The person spins me, and I am face to face with Cardan. He laughs comfortably to my widen eyes. 

“I am not Jude”, it is the first thing that comes to mind, that I blurt without holding my tongue.

“I know”, he shrugs. “Dance with me, anyways”.

Why would he? I feel eyes on me, but I don’t dare to meet them. Is Cardan playing something evil? Should I run? Too late. Cardan takes my hand, pulling me closer, and starts dancing. I follow his lead, and soon after, I find myself having fun with him. Spinning, crossing arms, stepping to sides, like we had choreographed it. Twirling, my hair brushes his chest. His hands go down to my hips, then up to my shoulders, pushing me slightly in new movements. I can see his mouth moving, muttering the song. Once it is over, he chuckles at me, and places his mouth on my ear.

“He watched you the whole time, Taryn. Ask him for a dance, I am sure he will give it to you!”

Cardan steps back, a smug smile playing on his face. He tilts his head, indicating me where to look, and I find Locke’s gaze. As if not surprised that I looked at him, Locke smiles. I don’t turn back to Cardan, feeling attracted as two magnets. Is this how it works, Jude? I must be out of my mind to think of Physics now, and I have not drunken yet.

“Hey”, Locke says once I am close enough.

“Hey”, I answer.

“Do you want to play pretend with me tonight?”

“What is the story?”, my smile widen.

“The one that you seduce me”

The rest of the night is a blur. Locke makes me drink with him, kissing me each time I finish a cup. There is a guy that is looking too much; sand hair and hazel eyes, and Locke finds it amusing. So amusing, that he makes me kiss the guy. I laugh with him, and obey. Taken by the kindness of the soft lips pressed against mine, I am not giving him a kiss just for the tease anymore. Our tongues dance together as if they were made for it. The stranger hums, wrapping his arms around me with a possessively fondness, making me feel safe from the world. Could he be a prince from one of my stories? Could he love me and save me from my nightmares, and the void in my chest? Another pair of hands are possessively on my waist, and the guy frees me. There is hurt is his eyes, but he doesn’t fight to have me back; he turns and leaves the room.

“Come with me”, Locke says on the shell of my ear.

I follow him to a distant room, through a path that I have never been in the house. We enter the room and he closes the door behind him. Despite the foggy vision, I look around and realize it is his bedroom, clean, shades of grey, so serious for a teenager. A strange thought strikes me: does Locke feel lonely in this massive house? Perhaps that is one of the reasons he throws so many parties. Taking me from my line of thoughts, Locke kisses me deeply. It is different from the stranger, but also making me feel desired in ways that no other kisses have made me. I wonder who the stranger is. Not for long, though, since Locke starts to make every part of me focused on his touches, melting me. My first time in bed, with my very first prince that played pretend with me. Only if the affection were real. _Once upon a time, there was a princess that preferred a night of pleasure instead of a chance for love._

\--

Jude realized that I flush whenever we cross path with Cardan and his friends. She asks me what happened, but I can’t tell her, too embarrassed remembering the flashes of the party, and what happened with Locke. I have not seen that strange guy with sand hair and hazel eyes, so I assume he is not from this school. Every time Locke catches me gazing him, he smiles or winks, as we share a secret. The days for school’s tests approach, making students gloomy. Except for Jude. Sometimes she annoys me being so smart! And I hate myself for envying her. It seems that even Cardan and his friends got caught in the stress, they don’t torment Jude for the matter.

The final signal rings, echoing throughout the school, followed by sounds of relief.

“Wait for me, the English teacher called me to meet him at his office!” Jude hushes taking her schoolbag, filling it with her books.

“Hurry with that!” I sit back, sighing.

All the students leave the room, and I keep staring at the clock hanging above the blackboard. Drumming my fingers on my desk, I think about which color paint my nails. Jude returns after twenty minutes, finding me irritated and hungry. We walk out of school as she tells me that the teacher was helping her with law books.

“So you decided to go for Law?” I ask her.

We unlock our bicycles and hop up on them.

“I am thinking about merging, like studying Economics, and doing a master degree with Economics and Law together”, she answers dreamy.

“Sounds boring”, I show her my tongue, and she laughs.

“What about you? Bachelor of fine Arts?”

“Exactly!” I answer. We make a turn and pedal some more, then I spot a commotion, recognizing a few students wearing our school’s uniform. “What is that?” I slow down and hear Jude’s snort. She hates my curiosity for gossip, but she follows me, regardless.

We stop, getting down from our bikes. I find Lucy among the crowd, and make my way to meet her.

“Cardan has gone into a rampage – he is insane!”, Lucy tells me.

I turn to look, and there is Cardan beating the shit out of an older guy. There is no sign of his friends around, and no one is trying to stop him. Except... No. No, no, no, no. Jude lets her bicycle falls beside me, and kick’s Cardan off of the bleeding guy, that contorts himself, crying. Cardan’s cold eyes meet Jude, and it is her that starts throwing punches at him, using her boxing skills. Cardan advances at her, dodging and trying his luck with his fists. Cold sweat runs down my back, I am terrified. Jude is giving reason for Cardan be awful to her, if she hurts him, what will Eldred do to protect his son? He could blame Madoc for not raising us, he could sue us! And If Cardan hurts Jude... My eyes takes the fallen guy, bloodied. I hope Jude hits Cardan. I hope she leaves him unconscious, so we can flee, out of the country and change our names.

They fall, rolling over each other. Jude gives Cardan a punch that opens his brow, and blood start running down his vicious face. In response, Cardan kicks Jude on her stomach, making her lose breath. I cover my mouth with both my hands, then look around, and there is the boy with sand hair and hazel eyes, walking down the street beside what I presume to be his friend. A short guy with green eyes and crooked nose. I run to my familiar stranger:

“Please help my sister!”

“Jude?”

Odd, how does he know her?

“Yes, please!”

I pull him, and as we arrive, my stranger grabs Cardan and his friend with green eyes pulls Jude. They struggle to keep Cardan and Jude apart, but the police arrives and we are all screwed.


	11. Christmas party

[Cardan’s POV]

For all of the times I have been to a fight on the streets, it had to be the one involving Jude Duarte that would get me caught. Ire is a soft caress of a word to describe my state of mind, should I resume this mess in a single word. The wound in my brow was a tickle compared to each strike Balekin gives on my back.

“You fucking idiot”, I bite the leather piece he allows me, so I won’t scream nor pulverize my own teeth. The bile visiting my tongue again, as my throat dries. “Father is having a hard time, having to apologize to Madoc! Can you picture father apologizing?” Balekin uses more force, making me dizzy.

Yes, I deserve each lash. Why was I born at all?

“You have to be grateful that all you have to do is community services, and that we managed to have the girl punished as well, since she made a great damage to your face. How weak of you to let a girl beat you!” Balekin stops, gripping my hair so I look at him. “You embarrass me, brother. If I have to go save your ass in a police station again, I will leave you unconscious, beating you a week straight. Do you hear me, Cardan?”

I shudder with fear.

“Good”

Ironic, I must admit. Not wanting to live, neither wanting to die.

\--

Cleaning Elfhame’s streets after school is not the best way to pass time. Nevertheless, I can use my phone and listen to music, and I don’t have to talk to anyone. The agreement was for Jude and I work like this for three months, and I behave quietly through all the course of it. My grades are still one of the highest, only defeated by Jude in Math and Physics. If my friends try to approach her, I give them a warning look, enough to make them shrink. Even Valerian stays away from Jude, to not drag me into more problems. No one knows, however, how I felt thrilled fighting the girl, how alive it made me. Fire was the reason; I was in her eyes, in her mind, in the fury of her heart. Jude saw me, and I wanted every punch she hit me, then gladly returned to her, finally expressing physically what I feel in my guts. The danger, if they had not taken her from me, my thoughts started to wonder about her lips hovering mine as Jude pinned me down on the ground.

Time flies, and tonight it is already the Christmas School’s ball. I am wearing a white tuxedo, white converse shoes and my tie has little drawings of snowmen. All a contrast to my usual preference for darkness as the blackness of my hair. To highlight my mockery, I smear silver powder over my cheekbones, and even though I feel the fun of my garments, once I stare at myself in the mirror, it is like I meet the grim reaper’s glare – there is only death in the dark abyss of my eyes. Taking the car keys of my new present as the spoiled child Greenbriar that I am, I leave the hollow house, stopping at Valerian’s, Nicasia’s and Locke’s homes, giving them a ride.

“You look like a snowman from a terrible horror movie, Cardan!”, Valerian snickers.

He is wearing an emerald blazer with a red bow tie.

“Are supposed to be a Christmas’ gift?” amusement plays in my voice.

“Exactly. I am what the ladies wish most!”, he lifts his chin presumptuously.

We all laugh. Locke is wearing a black suit and a Christmas cap, while Nicasia is wearing a chiffon emerald long dress, with a slit exposing her leg. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that Nicasia loves Locke, not as a jealous hurt, but I do worry about her happiness. The expectations of achieving happiness in this love story of hers are unpleasantly low, since Nicasia’s feelings are much too obvious and not reciprocated. As soon as we arrive, Valerian secretly mixes vodka to the drinks, and takes a cup for him. He offers me a cup, and I take it, however, I don’t intend drinking it, thinking that at least I have to drive sober. The invisible hand that have been squeezing my heart lately is giving me a chance to breathe tonight, allowing me to have fun. Perhaps my wave of sadness and numbness is retracting. Gone is my will to try comprehend my own temper. I spot Taryn in velvet red dress, the fabric kissing her skin as a lover should, as I think Locke will try to do later.

I had helped the girl before, she looked desperate to have Locke’s attention. Since I wanted his attention anywhere but on me, it was quite entertaining using her to free myself from Locke’s gaze for a change. And she is a good dancer. As I predicted, Jude comes in right after Taryn, shy, trying to eclipse herself with her twin. Such a superficial wish, in my eyes Jude could never hide, nor be out shined by anyone. Clueless about her beauty, especially in this satin silver dress that could pass as a fancy nightgown. From the way Jude is walking, it was definitely not her that chose the gown. It has a kind neckline that doesn’t allow any bra, strands as thin as possible, easy to tear, and a slit up to her mid thigh, making me swallow thickly at the thoughts of knowing her skin. Taryn is complaining about Jude’s choice of shoes: a white converse pair. The difference from hers to mine, is that hers goes up to her ankle.

“At least I could choose something! You and Oriana with this dress idea...”, Jude hisses in dismay.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. It is hard to go through the night without alcohol, but I tell myself that I will provide wine once I return home. Perhaps I can leave early; I am sure my friends can find another ride. We dance together, laugh, make fun of each other. Like a cloud shadowing the sunlight, the invisible hand squeezes my heart. Nothing specifically happened, but it stings. Making sure to not look gloomy or sorrowful, I smile at my friends and leave them as if I was going to meet someone else. Nothing unusual. The school corridors are empty, permitting my fake smile to vanish. My feet take me away from the party at the gymnasium, unconsciously following the programmed path to my classroom like a robot. Once again the contradictory irony; a robot is empty of feelings, while I am flooding with them. So much, that I cannot pick one to decipher why is it causing my uneven breath and the sting in my chest. 

The young Greenbriar, failing every day. Never good enough, not as terrible as I could be, not as kind either. As if I was indecisive, walking like an equilibrist, wondering to which side I should turn, which fall would hurt me most. In my vain dreams, Jude is there to catch me and treat my wounds, gently taking care of me, supporting me with those deep glittering eyes. I find myself in her seat. Is this how she sees the classroom? I wonder how Jude sees the world. It must be something else, bright and colorful. Even if I make it difficult for her. The door opens abruptly, startling me. Jude. She closes it, and leans back on it, listening the footsteps approaching. Once they pass, going away from this room, she relaxes her shoulders with a sigh.

“What was that?” I can’t hold back my curiosity.

Something in my insides twists, for having her here with me in an unplanned encounter.

“Mark Turd was trying to have his way with me”, she answers, shaking her head.

“You could have punched him”, the words come out before I think better, as does my grin.

Why can’t I be more mature, why can’t I grow up? Sick, untrustworthy, _unworthy_. Perhaps she will leave now. At least I got this moment, Jude running from someone that likes her. If she ever knew of my dreams, I wonder if the look on her face would be about disgust.

“Punching is special treatment”, Jude’s mouth tugs up by the corner. If it weren’t Jude, I would swear she is flirting with me. “Why are you here?”

For some reason, I don’t want to lie.

“Because I felt suffocating”, I tell her with a scoff.

No, it is not mature to bully the girl, then tell her about your sick mind, Cardan. I avert my eyes. Why is Jude not leaving? It makes me want her to stay longer. She approaches me, and perplexed, I find her sitting in front of me, letting her arm rest over her desk, so close to me.

“Did something happen?”, she asks seriously.

“Not particularly”

“You clearly want to tell me, so blurt it out!” Jude smiles sympathetically.

“Do I? I cannot see how”, I smile back, but it is my nervous smile. The one I show when I am pathetically scared or nervous. Jude narrows her eyes, making my smile fade. “Very well. It seems that I have a situation with my humor, and sometimes... Sometimes it is just _hard_ to breathe, or _exist_ ”.

Guilty consumes me, making me angry at myself for saying aloud such pitiful lines. It is getting harder to look at her appraising eyes and not feel shame for wanting her petting my head, and wishing for her kindness turn into profound affection. Repulsed by my envy for Jude's strength, by the monster in me that wishes to see her either broken or come undone, both cases forged by my hands. I avert my eyes in chagrin.

“What do you usually do when it gets hard?”

“Drink, mostly. But I am driving, so I can’t drink. I can go back home, and find a bottle of wine to accompany me to bed, but Balekin has friends over and... Seeing Balekin would definitely not help me. I came here so I could wait until it pass”

“Do you want me to call your friends?” Jude starts rising and my hand is fast on her wrist.

“Don’t”, don’t call them, don’t leave me.

She sits back, peeling my fingers from her wrist. I am trembling, and I hate myself for exposing my vulnerability. I have never told it to anyone. It is possible that my friends knew all along, at least they knew I had something wrong. My family calls me moody. Perhaps everyone thinks it is part of me, and not a sickness. It could be, as far as I know, I have always had the sad seasons. Jude’s small fingers intertwine with mine, taking all my focus to this touch.

“I suppose you use fighting as well, as a practice for distraction”, she says, making me take my eyes from our hands to meet her gentle gaze. “But I don’t want to go for another three months of community services for wrestling with you”, a chuckle escapes me, and Jude smiles satisfied with her joke. “So let’s talk. Although, I can’t pick a topic to start”

If there was a definition for kindness in the dictionary, it had to be followed by a picture of Jude wearing this sweet smile. Running through my memories of our fight, I remember that Jude knew those guys that pulled her from me.

“Who were those two that stopped our fight?”

“My friends”, she answers simply, as if she is hiding something.

“I thought you didn’t have friends”, I give her my smug smile, and Jude snorts.

“We started talking online, in a forum. The day of our fight was the first time my friends and I saw each other personally, although they go to Madoc’s gym to train boxing”, she shrugs.

“So you let people know you in the internet? What if they were old man trying to have their way with you, Jude?”

“I don’t let ‘people know me’, Cardan, I know how to take care of myself, thank you for your concern! In case you don’t know, it takes a long time and a lot of talking to risk anything... Anyways, why am I being lectured by you?”

“Do you trust them?” could she possibly be in love with one of them?

“I do”, she answers me firmly.

It makes me scowl. Imagining Jude laughing with someone who is not me, it is not in my list of best scenarios ever.

“Can I ask you why are you sitting specifically in this seat?” Jude asks. Her quirked brow additional the the question wakes something in my stomach, it is my well know wish to to change her steady expression to something more obscene. However, there is another feeling hidden within, confusing me. 

“No, you can not”, I can’t help but grin as she grimaces. 

“If that is your response, then it pretty much answers me” Jude scoffs, but there is a strange change in the color of her cheeks.

“Is that so?” I dare to ask, intrigued with her thoughts. Does she think that I like her?

Do I? Like her? Truly? My eyes wonder through the column of her neck, down to the kind cleavage, then ever so slowly back to her face, turned to the window, not paying attention to my ogling. 

“Yes, it does. You are deflecting it, but you are nervous. Do you want to know what I assume is the reason you chose my seat to rest?”

“Enlighten me, dear Jude”, I tilt my head, mocking her suspicion. 

She turns to me wearing playful eyes, and says “Don’t wanna!”

It is her turn to laugh at my discontent.

“Did punching me feel that good that you forgot who I am, Duarte?”

“It did feel good. My only regret is that I didn’t punch you enough”, Jude shrugs.

She leaves my hand, rising, and I feel abandoned. Her eyes are fixed on the moon outside, as if she is fascinated by it. Enticed by her beauty, I follow her closer to the window in the left side of the room, but she keeps walking until the back row. Jude turns with a frisky air, and sits on my desk, defiant, lifting her chin, placing the tip of her tongue between her teeth as she grins. Mesmerized by her under the moonlight, there are not a mean word in my head about Jude.

“I was thinking about you”, my confession in a soft whisper, making Jude’s brows go up in surprise. “I came here to be away from the party, and started thinking of you. When I realized, I was already taking your seat”.

“You don’t need to flirt with me because I have listened to you, Greenbriar. I am far from the girls that are happy to hear any lies your poisoned mouth can produce”, she gives me an empty chuckle.

“Yes, of course. My favorite pick up line is ‘pity me, I have mental issues. Won’t you kiss me so I feel better’. It is quite the catch!”, bitter words forming easily. Of course, Jude hates me. I hate her too. I hate her for making me eager for her company, and happy at any touch she concedes me.

Jude is upon her feet, brows pulled together, angry with my sarcasm.

“Are you trying to make me fight you? Because seriously, Cardan, I am not in the mood to go down this road again!”

This small creature sets her jaw, lifting her chin since otherwise Jude would not meet my glare. I take in every feature, from her delicate nose, the softness appearance of her skin with light make up, to her full lips with light brown lipstick. I am tempt to lean closer, swallowing my desire dry.

“Wait a minute”, I read her lips more than listen to the spoken words, “you do desire me, and _you hate it_!”

I can’t hold back any longer, making our lips meet lightly, leaving me with a ragged breath. It feels like we are trapped in a room that doesn’t belong to time or space. Brushing my mouth over hers, slowly applying more pressure, heat pools in my stomach, and my hands – so hatred hands – skim Jude’s arms until I hold her shoulders. How is this possible? How can her full lips mold mine so perfectly? A sinful softness, slightly parted so a warm breath meets my skin with a gasp. It doesn’t feel enough, so one hand cups the back of her head, and the other roams down to her waist, pulling Jude closer. Jude closes her eyes, and I do the same. Once our tongues meet, a grunt forms in my throat. _I am kissing Jude Duarte_. _Her. And she is kissing me back!_

The turmoil of feelings flee to the back of my head, as a low noise, getting lower and lower as I am still kissing Jude. There is only _her_. A scent so calming engulfing my heart, the sweeps on my tongue so right, leaving my burning face prickling. It is almost as if I am in love. Once I feel her fingers running through my hair, the heat in my stomach increases. Stealing a glance at her eyes, I meet the incentive that the monster within me was looking for. Drawn to taste Jude's jaw and the skin of her throat, my hardness pressed between us as Jude is half sitting on my desk. She doesn't look like she wants to stop. Perhaps Jude is relishing on my desire for her, learning about this weakness of mine. Out of control, the fever taking over my body, my hands desperately explores Jude's body, and I moan with her, having a great feast of her curves while I kiss her mouth over and over. It takes the tenth time that Jude’s phone rings to make us cease the kiss. The hammering of my heart loud in my ear, and my trousers tight, holding my fever. She finally takes her phone from a black purse, and answers it, her eyes averting meeting mine.

“I have to go”, Jude tells me once she hangs up the phone, her swollen lips curling, uncertain about what to make of our previous activity. “Will you be fine? Are you sure you don’t want me to call your friends?”

“Worry not, my knight. You have helped me enough”, I take a strand of Jude’s auburn hair behind her ear.

What is this joy that I am feeling? It shook away all my worries.

“Knight?”

“Because I am like a prince from the fairy tale books being rescued by you, ever so frequently, so you are my charming knight!”

She laughs at my explanation, and I kiss her again, because Jude is beautiful, and I will never have a chance like this again. She pulls back first, giggling.

“Good night, Prince Cardan”

“Good night, Sir Jude”


	12. The Court of Shadows

[The Bomb’s POV]

As a senior in High School, life can become quite stressful. Students run after extra points for their curriculum, so they get accepted in the universities they wish to apply; or students fight their parents because they don’t want to try any colleges and live another style of life. Being part of the first group, I made my friend Van get into the Journalism club. He was always good at getting information, and I am good at sneaking us into places.

“Garret has it good”, Van complains for the thousandth time. “Out there, living the university life as he should”

“You know Garret is a big antisocial, and that he spends his free time online, don’t you?” I remind him.

“Yeah, he told me he went to a party, but ended up helping fix the computer of a dude, then he left bored”, Van shrugs. “At least next year we will all be there with him, as a fraternity, The Court of Shadows in action!”

“My mom had freaked out for half a year because I am going to live with a girl and two boys, she finally calmed down after meeting you all last weekend!” my relief is honest.

Van wrinkles his nose, mocking me because I act all rebel and mighty, but I still answer to my parents. People usually think Van is ugly, and make fun of him, but his an awesome friend, and I actually find him cute. I might be really weak to these green eyes of him.

\--

[The Ghost’s POV]

The shower is cold again because the place I rent is really old, and the plumbing end up with air bubbles. Once the water fails to fall, the heat makes the shower break. At least I have good connection with internet, and it is only half a year to change places into a better one, with known faces. Although, The Queen has been ignoring us from the Court of Shadows’ group. I know it is not a good thing to do, but whatever, I am going to use The Queen again to start a conversation. I pick my phone and start texting Taryn.

_The Ghost: Hey Taryn, how R you doing? Also, is Jude alright? I haven’t heard from her for more than a week now._

_Princess Taryn: Hey Garret! Did you just use Joey Tribbiani’s quote on me? Also, no, Jude is not alright. She has been walking like a zombie, but I have no idea what happened. She just won’t talk!_

_The Ghost: It was not my intention to Joey Tribbiani you. Did it work, tho? Also, thanks for telling me. Do me a big favor and tell your sister she has few friends, and they worry about her._

_Princess Taryn: It could work better if you’d try it in person. I’ve got to go. Ballet classes. XOXO_

My grin makes me feel foolish, never mind that. Taryn always flirts with me, but every time I push further, she slides away. I don’t know what she is scared about, perhaps she simply doesn’t like me the way I like her. And I am worried about Queen now.

_The Ghost: we have to find out what happened to the Queen. Her sister says Jude is gloomy with everyone._

_The Roach: Let’s meet Saturday afternoon and go to her house._

_The Bomb: Agreed._

\--

[The Roach’s POV]

Even though it is sunny, there is a chilly breeze and we all have to wear long sleeves. The Queen, Ghost and I are wearing mostly black or shades of it, while cute Bomb is wearing a white shirt and yellow Converse shoes. We walk until the park listening to The Ghost talking about his problems with his shower, and Liliver suggests him to try a shower in a hot neighbor’s home. We sit by a cementer table with cementer benches surrounding it.

“So enlightens us, my queen, what the hell happened?” The Bomb goes straight to the point.

The Queen grimaces, avoiding our eyes. Taking a deep breath, she starts talking.

“You have to promise me not to tell a soul!”

“We promise”, we all agree.

It seems like deep shit, so I lean closer, resting my elbows over the table.

“Back on my school’s Christmas party some things happened and... Well, and Cardan Greenbriar told me he has Depression. He didn’t say these words exactly, but he described it pretty much as how I felt when I lost my parents and had to go through therapy”

“No shit, the bully is sick?” the Bomb sounds stunned, but can’t let her mockery aside.

“He didn’t seem like a health kid, always fighting”, Ghost points out.

“What does it have to do with your mood? Did he bully you again after trying to get your good side?”, I ask.

“No, we barely spoke ever since”, the Queen wilts. “I should have tried, though. He told me something serious...” she shakes her head in denial, then buries her face in her hands, letting out a long tired sigh. “Two weeks ago, Cardan tried to... To kill himself”.

“Fuck”, I don’t know if it were me or the others.

“He was taken back to the Greenbriar mansion, now Cardan is being watched and treated, and is not allowed visitors. They are keeping it quite, I only know of it because I had to go to the mansion and deliver Madoc his wallet, he had forgotten at home. What if...? Gosh, I am so stupid!”

The Bomb jumps to hug the Queen; the Ghost and I follow.

“You are not stupid”, Ghost tells her.

“We can’t predict anyone’s mind, Jude”, I tell her.

“Yeah, and you can’t let yourself get sick either, it will not do any help. Don’t ever exclude yourself, we are here for you, girl!”, Bomb tightens the hug.

“Thank you guys!” the Queen says between sobs.


	13. Killing hearts with kisses

[Jude’s POV]

It is at the welcoming party at TFOTA University that I see Cardan again. A sting in my heart reminds me of the confusion of feelings that I hold for him, even before learning about his mental disease, I hated him and wished to be beside him all the same. That kiss was only proof of how much easy it was to cross the line, within a firm embrace, pressing my lips against the rightness of his. He is kissing someone else, her hands running his back underneath the shirt. I will take it as a good sign, that he is well enough, that Cardan will survive winning over his monsters. Turning away, stumbling into drunk people, or high, or... Gosh, I have never seen people using drugs so up close. Their eyes are scary, their smile are to a fantasy that I cannot see with my sobriety. Vivi jumps on me out of nowhere, with Heather beside her.

“My fresh girl!” Vivi takes paint with two fingers and coats my face.

“I am still catching up”, Heather says drunkenly, pointing an accusatory finger at me. “You applied for Computer Science? What the fucks does it have to do with Law or Economics, Jude Duarte?”

“Yeah, I decided it almost when I was making the application”, I laugh at her unfocused eyes, and Vivi cleans her fingers on my shirt. “My friend Garret helped me decide, he is in the same course-”

“Are you into him? Because deciding your life based on a crush is no smart move”, Heather wombles and Vivi catches her waist.

“No! He is my friend! And we live together, so don’t even start”, I complain.

“Oh no, I don’t recommend that either”, Heather places a hand in the corner of her mouth, as if to tell me a secret. “I feel horrible for falling for Vee and having her to bear with me at home!”

My eyes flicks to Vivi, and she is bright red. Did she know, or Heather just planted a bomb? Vivi takes Heather’s arm around her neck.

“Behave like I would, Jude!” she shouts over the music, and leaves carrying Heather.

“Hey Jude!” a girl that I used to do project schools with, Fand, stops in front of me.

Her skin is so pale that I can see the blue of her veins, as the tip of her pixie haircut.

“Fand, what’s up?”

“I got into the Math Course”, she says proudly, someone wrote ‘Math’ on her arm with red paint. “You surprised us all with the computer thing. But perhaps you can help me, we use programming in some classes and research”

“Sure, I can help you, but it won’t be for free. You will have to buy my services with food!”

She laughs. Someone bumps into her, and Fands falls on me. She is slightly taller, and a lot more slim than I am.

“You smell like blueberry”, I tell her. My heart is thundering, anxious with Fand’s proximity.

Maybe it is because I have not seen a known face for half an hour. Maybe I felt lonely because the first time I saw Cardan again, after feeling guilty for not helping him through a somber moment, he was in someone’s else embrace. When Fand kisses me, it feels alright to be lost and afraid of my future. When her hands hold my waist pulling me closer, I think that Cardan and all the world could very well fuck themselves.

\--

The house we rent has four bedrooms and two washrooms upstairs; one bedroom and one washroom on first floor. The kitchen and the living room are separated by a wooden balcony, where right in front of it, there is a table for six people to sit comfortably. Most of the furniture was already part of the contract, I only had to buy a bed, a full body mirror, and a rug for my room. We made a deal, separating the washrooms, one for me and the Bomb, one for the boys and the one in the first floor for visitors. We agreed on a day for cleaning the house, taking turns for who would clean what, except for the bedrooms, which were individuals responsibility. The Ghost is the only one with a car, so there was no fighting over the garage. We left the fifth room as a study, with desks and books.

A day in University is the equivalent to three days of my old life. There are so many new faces to know, intensive lessons with inspiring professors, and everyday at 6 pm I go training at Madoc’s gym. He changed his own schedule at the boss Greenbriar’s side so he could see me three days a week. I usually have lunch with Taryn at the University’s canteen, and she is living her dream, glowing with so much excitement. There are parties almost every day in the fraternities surrounding the campus, but I feel so tired by the end of the day, that I prefer to sleep. The three of us sisters went back home last weekend, and I almost fell asleep over my pizza. Oak played tricks on me, and I let him! I need to get used to this new routine, or I am going to get sick.

“Why are you not dressing up yet?” the Bomb looks at my spread body on my bed. “Up. Now!”

“I am not going to the party, Bomb. I am a zombie!”

“Don’t care. Up! Or are you willing to make me go over there and put you on your feet?”

I lift a brow and she lifts her chin. Liliver has this intensity in her, she will probably know how to handle her kids once she is old enough and had lived what she wanted to live, then have a child to handle. For now, she looks badass with her hair dyed white, cloudy above her head, and a short black dress with sleeves to her elbows, yellow converse shoes. Since I am going with dismay, I make no effort choosing my clothes. A t-shirt with anime print, and skinny jeans.

“You look like you are going to class”, Bomb censures me. “Except for the combat boots, they are fucking awesome!”

“You should be glad that I chose clean clothes”

The party is at a fraternity by the end of the street, so we choose to walk. The four of us arrive, and soon after they all leave me alone. Fuck them. Why drag me all the way here if we are not going to party together? At least the playlist is good. Peter, a guy that tries to talk to me in a few classes that we have together, spots me and approaches happily. I hate The Bomb even more now. Peter likes to talk a lot, and his opinions diverges greatly from mine, but he doesn’t give me a chance to argue, talking nonstop. My eyes keep wandering the room, looking for a known face, someone to help me. Anyone!

Cardan is grabbing a beer from the cooler. He might not be alone, but I just need the excuse to run from Peter.

“Excuse me, I have seen someone I know”, I cut him off, and don’t wait for his answer.

Deviating the drunk and the dancing people, I reach Cardan, placing a hand on his shoulder so he turns to meet me. His ridiculous beauty blinding me, a wide grin in response as Cardan recognizes me.

“Duarte! I was wondering when our paths would cross again”

“You look good”, I say out of breath, for running from Peter, for speaking with him after so much had happened.

“I am stunning”, he takes a sip from his canned beer.

“That is not what I meant!” I take his beer and drink it. Cardan looks amused.

“They told the school I had suffered an accident, but I am fine. Alive” he shrugs, and takes the beer back to drink.

“Cardan, I know what happened”

“Yes, you do. Balekin told me you tried to visit me”

We stare at each other in silence. I wanted to ask him so many things, I wanted to apologize for not being someone he could rely on.

“Jude!”, Peter shouts from afar.

“Fuck!” I say between gritting teeth.

“Another Mark Turd?” Cardan chuckles.

“Possibly. It is Peter, and he likes to talk.”

“You are talking with me now, perhaps he will leave you alone”, Cardan ponders.

I missed him. Presumptuous, joking or deep serious, I missed Cardan. The joy in his eyes, the glares. How could I miss the stupid devil, the one that made my life a hell? I do not know. I blame the kiss.

“Jude, you lost yourself! Don’t worry, I remember exactly where I stopped talking!”

Peter keeps talking, and I give Cardan an apologetic glance, indicating him that he can leave and save himself. Instead, Cardan hooks his arm around my shoulder possessively. Peter’s voice crackles, but he is determinate to tell the whole story. I feel Cardan’s mouth on the shell of my ear.

“Let me be the knight this time, Duarte”

“What?” I turn to meet his eyes, but it is his mouth that I find.

Cardan presses his lips against mine, brushing, making my lips part. He nips my bottom lip, and Peter tries to call us. Cardan gives Peter his beer, then holds my hips to bring our bodies together. His hands caress my back, as his tongue meet mine. The whole world around us are nothing, not even the loud music. There is no meaning for anything else as I am being absorbed in this old attraction to this handsome devil. Cardan leans against the wall, devouring my mouth. It wasn’t supposed to feel so right, so good, but it does. He kisses my jaw, then trails my neck with his tongue. A groan escapes me, and I feel his breath hitching.

“No”, I grip his hair to bring his mouth back on mine.

“It sounded like you were liking...” Cardan says to my mouth.

I bring his head closer, so I can talk on his ear without having to shout.

“You were being sweet, I don’t want you kissing my neck that gently. You hated me, Cardan, you are not supposed to make me feel... like this”

Our mouths and tongues dance together again, his arms holding me tighter. There is heat pooling in my stomach. I am not used to feel it, not with a real person embracing me, not with the one I had secretly desired giving me a taste of the firmness of his body.

“You kiss my neck, then!”, his ragged voice on my ear sends goosebumps through my body.

An idea strikes me, making me chuckle.

“I am not going to be sweet with you either, Cardan”, he actually growls in disappointment, making me laugh again. “I won’t give your neck sweet kisses, _I will bite you_!”

Once I do, feeling his smooth skin between my teeth, Cardan curses, his hands hushing to my ass, pressing me against his hardness. My core pulses in response, white pleasure blinding me. Was it allowed to feel like this? I am not sure. Grazing my teeth on his neck, then I bite him again, and Cardan swears my name. Right or wrong, we want each other, badly. Not having him around me was not healthy, for my sanity and for my heart. How could I be so attracted to this devil? He is handsome, yes, but there are a lot of other people that I think being pretty. There is something in the way he always looked me, something in his musky scent that captivates me.

Am I just another one Cardan kisses? I have seen his effect on people, how disoriented they left his arms. It is better if I don’t think about it; we are having a good moment, I don’t want to ruin it. Not when he steals ravenous glances between the brushes of our tongues, and he tries so hard to maintain my body pressed against his. Cardan doesn’t even allow space for my hand roam his chest, so I keep running my fingers through his silky hair.

Someone abruptly rips me from Cardan, making me stumble a couple of steps behind. I steady myself, panting, to find my twin. She doesn’t look well.

“Jude, I need your help!”

“What is it?” I ask her as Cardan straightens himself.

“I am not feeling good, please help to go home!”

Then she retches right there, bending and jerking her body with the violence of it. Cardan covers his mouth and runs to the exit, I think I won’t be seeing him anytime soon. I hold Taryn’s hair up, out of the way while she finishes, aware of people complaining. The Bomb emerges from the crowd, saying “That was like the horror movie, as if Taryn is possessed!”

“Shit, I won’t leave it like this... Can you take Taryn to our place? Her fraternity if further away” I look around, and find one of the residents scrunching his nose to what Taryn left on the kitchen’s floor.

“Go”, Bomb tells me, and I nod. She starts leaving half carrying Taryn away.

“Where can I get a bucket and a squeegee?” I ask the man who I know that lives here.

“You are cleaning it up?” He lifts a brow.

“I can’t leave it like that, it is disgusting!”

“Yeah, exactly. Most people would run and ignore it. I am Brian, let me help you... Follow me!”

Brian leads me through the door that links the kitchen to the backyard, then to a tiny room full with... Anything. There is an old broken chair, balls in a basket, rope, and also the bucket and the squeegee that I asked for. Brian takes the bucket to fill it with water and detergent, then takes it back to the kitchen. He throws water on the floor, and I help the fluid to the outside drain, until it is all finally clean. Brian gives me a floor cloth so I can dry mostly of the floor, and now the party can continue. We take the bucket and the squeegee back to that tiny room, and I wash the cloth, then hang it.

“Your twin totally owe you something”, Brian tells me.

“Thank you for helping me, Brian!” I smile at him. “I am Jude, first year in Computer Science”

“I saw you kissing the young Greenbriar quite intensely... His brother, Balekin, is my senior. Well, he graduated now”

“Lovely”, dismay escapes me, making Brian laugh.

“I suppose you are going after your sister now” his voice sounds with hope. “But can I have your number? I would like to talk with you again”

I flush, unused to people wanting me. Handing him my phone so he can type his number on it, I let my eyes take this gentle man. He has honey hair, tan skin, green eyes. Probably he does some kind of sport, with the definition if his muscles against the fabric of his white t-shirt. Brian hands my phone back and I send him a smile emoji, that he immediately replies with a wink emoji.

“See you around, Jude!”

I laugh, feeling foolish with the flirt on his smirk, and leave.


	14. Impressive

[Locke’s POV]

Death can be poetic, romantic even. It escaped me the possibility of the most interesting character in my story becoming dust. Nicasia cried for days when we learned about Cardan’s attempt to commit suicide, unexpectedly, Valerian also cried. It was not sadness that overtook my heart, I was oddly numb. If anything, angry. Another Greenbriar was ready to take someone I wanted near, so I was angry with Cardan for trying to take his life. It was not _his_ to take! Not entirely. What of his friends? What of me? Eldred forbade visitors for a couple of months, and Cardan’s communication through his phone. Once he was back at Balekin’s place, and we could meet again, Cardan cried. Only then my tears fell, only then I felt something besides the numbness or the anger. I gave him the most tight embrace I could give, until Cardan calmed down. We played video games after, and he told me he was allowed to finish High School at home, sending his lessons to the teachers by e-mail.

Given the flow of events, Balekin avoided being mean to Cardan as often as he normally would, but couldn’t suppress everything. I caught glimpses of Balekin’s rampages, telling Cardan that he had failed yet another time, couldn’t even take his own life; or saying that it was all to get more attention. What a putrid family. Cardan started working as a waiter in a coffee shop, then proposed for the four of us play in a band for money. He argued that it would also help Nicasia with extra activities, and it would get us laid more often. With no objections, we now are the _Forevermore_ band, playing all kind of songs in jazz rhythm.

When Nicasia arrived with the positive answer from TFOTA University, we drank until we threw up our guts. I was truly happy for her, and happy that I was part of it. If it weren’t for me, Nicasia would never tried to up front her mother. Valerian is the only one that left his home to live in a fraternity. He is at the Business Administration Course, Nicasia is in the Music department, Cardan chose English, and I am in the International Relations. We meet every Wednesday for rehearsal, we play every Friday night, and we meet sporadically in parties.

Tonight we are playing in a bar that is heavy crowded by university students, the famous Milkwood’s Bar. There are a lot of faces I recognize, but what catches my attention is how anxious Cardan looks when his eyes flicks to Jude Duarte and her date, my senior Brian. The other two sisters are here as well, with their respective dates. Annoyance dries my throat. I was not planning on having Taryn tonight, however, given the circumstances of how she dares to laugh flirting with another and not glance at me looking for my approval, I have to go and pull the strings of my sweet puppet.

Our spectacle ends, we start packing our instruments and the owner lets electronic music playing.

“I won’t need a ride back” I tell Cardan.

He smirks at me, understanding my intentions, and I wink at him. Wounding my way through the crowd, I bump into Taryn and she kisses both my cheek, smiling.

“Hey Locke, I loved the concert!”

“I am glad that you enjoyed it. I could see you dancing, beautiful as ever” my voice as friendly as possible, and my smirk ready for her.

Taryn flushes, and the guy I presume is her date is aware that I came to steal her from him.

“Yeah, man, you guys are good”, he places a hand on Taryn’s waist. “and I couldn’t agree more, Taryn is beautiful!”

If I was not feeling this possessiveness, I would suggest a threesome with him. Never mind that, I am in no sympathetic mood.

“Can I get a reward, Taryn?” I meet her eyes.

Is she finally tired of me? Does she not want to break this man’s hope? Won’t she be mean for me once more? Narrowing her eyes, Taryn closes the distance between us. Her hand grips my hair tight, as if she is angry with me.

“Taryn?” her date calls her, and she meets his eyes holding no expression.

Her grip makes me bend, and even as she kisses me, Taryn maintain her gaze on the angry man that was her date. This is what makes her my favorite puppet, how she can look so delicate and do awful things, and it arouses me. Her date leaves, and Taryn deepens our kiss, allowing my hands to stroll her body, as she moves rhythmically with the song. Her hands find their way underneath my shirt, clawing my back and I take it as Taryn is angry that I ruined her date. Tracing her ear with my tongue, I can hear her sucking in a breath.

“Can we go to my place? I will let you do anything that you want”, I propose on her ear, and she nods.

Taryn waves a hand to her sisters, and I smile once they meet my eyes. I take Taryn’s hand, guiding her to the backstage so I can grab my guitar. Using my phone to call an Uber, I place the bag with the instrument on my shoulder. 

“The car is already here”, I tell her, and meet her smiling at her phone. “What?”

Taryn shakes her head and we walk outside through the back door.

“Cardan texted me, asking for Jude’s number”, she tells me.

“Do you think Jude likes him?” we enter the car, and soon after, we are on the road.

“I saw them kissing, and it looked quite intense”, Taryn shrugs. “But I don’t know if there is something more than feeling body attraction. Does Cardan like Jude? I thought he hated her. Perhaps he just feels like you do about me”

“what do you mean?” I feel my brows pulled together, intrigued.

“You don’t love me, but you want me wanting you”, her brown honeyed eyes are cold. She saw through me, and even so, she is playing along. The only one that ever allowed me was Cardan.

“Impressive”, I admit.

“I must be, or you wouldn’t be interested” Taryn tugs up the corner of her mouth in a cheeky smirk, and I kiss her.


	15. Daily thoughts heating up

[Cardan’s POV]

Kissing Jude Duarte is bad, as I keep telling myself. It is bad because it made all my fantasies about her more vivid, instead of decreasing the frequency I think about her. It is bad, so bad, because I am a monster and should not stain Jude with my dirty hands. But it was so good, her perfect lips giving the right pressure, her tongue waltzing with mine, our bodies pressed together. My hands recall her round ass, and my neck fervently remembers her bites. If I allow my thoughts to wander there, the goosebumps run through my body immediately – a dangerous reaction, since I am at work. She is here, waiting in line to place her order, whilst talking to her friend of dark skin and cloudy white hair.

“Two cappuccinos and two chocolate donuts to go, please”, Liliver says once it is their turn. “I couldn’t believe Jude when she told me Cardan Greenbriar worked at a coffee shop!”

I start taking the donuts.

“Did she tell you that I am the hottest attendant around here?”, I tease, making Jude scoff.

“Don’t you have morning classes, Greenbriar?” Jude takes her donut, looking eager to start eating, twisting my guts as I find her cute.

“Not Mondays, nor Wednesdays”, my hands start working on the cappuccinos. “Thursdays and Tuesdays I work here at night. I highly recommend coming here for a late coffee, or anything from our vast drink menu. How is your research?”

“Awesome!” Jude says excitedly. “I still have a long way to go, and have to learn a lot of things on my own, but it is exhilarating getting to know the applications and possibilities of the things I learn in classroom. And, being paid for it is pretty great!”

“What about yours, Liliver?” the girl frowns at my interest, then smiles, knowing that I am being polite.

“You know, stuff. Making things explode”, she shrugs, and I give them their drinks.

“Don’t tell him that, he will want to learn something and start exploding my things!” Jude scolds Liliver, then they both laugh.

“Please, Duarte, do not badmouth me”, I give her my smug smile. “and come watch me play again this Friday. Bring another date so I can judge him”

Jude was going to answer, but the manager coughs at my side, a warning so I have to get back to work, and the girls leave. The way Jude’s hair sways on her back is lovely, making my hand itchy to touch it, and the way her hips move as she walks away makes me produce a long sigh.

After work, I have lunch with Valerian, Locke and Nicasia, mostly listening than participating in the conversation. I am glad they are still my friends, that they are not disappointed in me. Sometimes the usual dark thoughts weights me down, stealing the light of my day. Nevertheless, ever since I had tried to cease my existence and failed, I had not fallen so deep again. Even when Balekin hurts me, even when I think I can no longer breath with so much heaviness in my chest, somehow, I survive. Besides working at the coffee shop and in the band, I also edit works for students from my English Course. It is my favorite source of money, to travel through others minds and know other worlds. It helps me clear my mind.

This is how my week passes: work, study, lessons, work and work again. Oh, and a little bit of sleeping. I usually party at weekends, starting right after the Forevermore concerts, and sometimes ending on Monday mornings, leaving someone else’s bed. However, lately I have not been in the mood to visit other’s bed, and enjoy my own bed alone on Sundays, giving me a night to rest. It has been two months since Jude started coming with Brian or with Fand to watch the Forevermore play. Every time she kisses one of them, it is like a punishment for the things I have done to her and Jude couldn’t have it back at me in that time. Although for once I am being mature enough not hurting her again just to have me in her thoughts. Surviving that day, and having Jude trying to visit me, made me decide that if I ever had the opportunity, I would be nice to her and hope to be her friend. I have to redeem myself, for all the mess I was – that I still am.

If Jude smiles to her dates, if she is smiling now, it is not thanks to me. How can a monster like me wish to be the cause of the fondness in her lips? No, I don’t think I will be luck again to have her in my arms a third time. It does not stop me from dreaming, though. And Jude allowing me to be closer, as a friend, can be enough for my scrubby heart.

“Can you drive us back? I want to drink”, I ask Locke.

“It is no fun to be the only one sober, Cardan”, he answers with a long sigh, making me pout. “No, you are not going to persuade me to remain sober. Instead, I have a proposition: let’s go to my place already, and drink there, so the four of us can gladly be drunk and not worry where to sleep”

“Sounds good for me”, I nod in agreement.

“Oh, please make those awesome drinks for me, Master of the Nights, oh Great Locke!” Valerian pleads with his hands together, making us laugh.

“I want those drinks as well, but do not expect me to beg” Nicasia winks at Locke.

Once at Locke’s, he starts preparing us sweet drinks in fancy goblets. I take my electric piano and tell him: “this is for you, my dear friend Locke!”. Then I start singing “Oops... I did it again”, by Britney Spears. Nicasia starts singing along, while Valerian contorts himself from laughing. Locke glares me, but once I reach the chorus, he starts dancing and singing. We drink nonstop, and my heart feels light. The monster is allowed to have fun once in a while.

Pushing the sofas and the center table out of the way, we keep singing, playing, making fun of each other and laughing between drinks. Tired and drunk, we lay on our backs over the rug, talking about irrelevant matters and gossips. Mischief grows in me, even dizzy and tired, my body can still take control over my mind, desiring more than a night of laughter with friends. I roll over Valerian, and the three of them look at me amused.

“Hello there”, I say, giggling.

“You are drunk”, Valerian drawls, smiling.

“Positive. And horny, in case you have not noticed”. My hips grind against Valerian’s, so he can feel the bulk between my legs while I kiss his mouth, pushing my tongue inside.

It is fun to please people’s bodies, to provoke them and let them lose their minds to me. I am quite good at it, since Valerian doesn’t like to kiss a man, but is enjoying kissing me. It is clear how he enjoys it, now I can feel his hardness against mine, and there is a sonorous groan in his throat. However, he keeps his hands to himself, and it doesn’t please me. Leaning back, forming a thread of saliva between our mouths, I give him my smug smirk, and he chuckles. Rolling off of him, I find myself over Nicasia.

“Do you mind?” I ask her.

“Not at all”, her answer in a lustful whisper.

I kiss her, and it stings a bit, but I suppress the ache with lust. Nicasia’s hands know where they should stroll, heating me up. She pouts when I roll off of her.

“Kiss him”, I tell her, nodding to Valerian, and she does.

I pull Locke, making him be on top of me, and I laugh at his already harden member, only to kiss him lavishly. The four of us keep exchanging hot kisses and let our hands explore one another’s bodies. As the panting intensifies, it becomes more painful to keep myself inside my jeans. I am not thinking about anything, not consequences, not processing what I am doing with my friends. My body just wants to feel pleasure, and I am too drunk to care that they are my friends and not random strangers that I can ignore the next morning. They stimulate me with their moans, which means they are not thinking this straight either. So I make Locke and Valerian lay, whilst I steal kisses from Nicasia. Leading her head between Locke’s legs, I find my way between Valerian’s. Aroused and enthusiastically creative, I let my mid finger caress Valerian’s rear’s entrance, and he jerks, then grips my hand, saying “not there, Cardan!”. I shrug, keeping my mouth busy with his length as he relaxes again.

Then I try Locke, using Nicasia’s saliva to help friction his back entrance, causing Locke to shudder a moan, the incentive that I needed. As my finger slides in, I cannot help but groan with him. The pressure and warmth are too good to keep me under control. Locke loses it, bucking up his hips, holding Nicasia’s head in place. Valerian pushes his tongue inside Locke’s ear, and it is a mess of swears and sounds as Valerian and Locke have their orgasms. We change partners, so Valerian pleases Nicasia, while Locke pleases me, returning me the favor with his slim finger reaching a sweet spot in me. I kiss Nicasia, and the intensity of this combination is too real, too much to my sensitive body, making me reach my climax too soon. I don’t stop kissing Nicasia, and Locke starts suckling her breast. She is the loudest as she melts, trembling her whole body, giving in to pleasure.


	16. The love we think we deserve

[Nicasia’s POV]

It is getting colder, perhaps it will start snowing soon. Did I gain weight? Last month I could still fit in this playground’s swing perfectly fine. Maybe it is because I have been drinking too much beer. The sky above is cloudy, no stars to admire and complain my existence to, only Cardan to listen to me for the past hour, but he is distracted, texting someone that makes him chuckle. His smile is the most cheerful sight for me over this month. After we had that night of friendly pleasure, Locke stopped coming after me for more than a friend talk. I felt him drifting away ever since he started kissing Taryn Duarte, but he had kissed other girls, and I thought – I hoped – that his reverie with the girl would soon be over. How embarrassed I am!

“Who are you talking to?” I rise, approaching Cardan.

He looks at me, with a fond smile from what he read. Is it possible that Cardan fell in love and I missed it? I hope it is someone nice, better than me. Is it a _she_ ou a _he_? If he introduced us, then we could be friends. I am certain that whoever makes Cardan happy is someone awesome.

“Jude”, he answers, and lifts his brows, waiting for my reaction.

“Jude? Is there a Jude in your English classes?”

“Nicasia, you know which Jude I am talking about”

“WHAT?” the yell escapes me, and Cardan runs his fingers through his hair, awkwardly. “You mean HER? What the fuck, Cardan? No, no, no! Please don’t tell me you are going out with her!”

“I am not going out with Jude”, Cardan’s smiles changes as if he is sad.

Instantly my hands cover my mouth, it is too much to take.

“ _But you want to_ ” my voice comes out as a whisper. “How did it happen? How is it possible? You both hated each other for years! Was her kiss that good?”

“First of all, the kiss everybody saw was not the first time, it was the second”, Cardan’s cheek are blotchy rosy, more than before when it was just about the weather. I cannot believe my eyes, he looks like a fool! “Secondly, yes, Jude’s kisses are that amazing. Third, I hated her, yes. Although, you might find it confusing to understand, I hated her because I thought she was an incredible girl and I wanted her to like me, but she never did. Jude is so fierce, smart and strong. I envied her, and... I desired her before anything. I also hated myself for it for a long time. Why Cardan Greenbriar would desire such a low girl? I didn’t want to think of her, but the more I tried to avoid it, the more I thought and wonder...” Cardan sighs. “Forth, and most important, I understood that I was in love with her the first time I kissed her, it was at the High School’s Christmas party, before I tried to kill myself. So it is not out of the blue, you see”.

His voice finishes with sorrow, and I can’t bring myself to shout at him like I want. I am mad at him for so many reasons!

“Did she had anything to do with-”

“No!” Cardan censures me with his glare. “No, Jude had nothing to do with my depravity wish to disappear! I am trusting you to not tell Locke and Valerian anything. Valerian always suggested that I should have sex with Jude, but he thinks that what I feel is simply out of flesh. And I suppose Locke suspects me, but I don’t want to confirm anything to him. Who knows what he is going to scheme once he finds out!”

“Sure, I won’t tell anyone”, I take his hand. “I still can’t understand you, Cardan. But I do wish for your happiness!”

Cardan smiles, leaning closer to plant a kiss on my forehead.

“Thank you for listening, Nic”

“I hope you remember I _am_ your friend!” I pinch his cheek, and he laughs. “Are you going to tell her?”

“No”, his sad smile again. I feel he is hiding something deep, dark. “It is enough to be her friend, if she allows me. Jude is kind, so she doesn’t ignore me, but I think she still doesn’t trust me, as if she is waiting for me to glue her sitting on a chair, or putting a gum in her hair”

“Oh, I did the last one, remember? She was a hell of a scary girl, using scissors to cut of a lock of her own hair to rid of he gum!”

We were ten years old, and I remember once Taryn arrived to accompany her twin home, she was mad at Jude for playing with scissors. Jude held her tears, and I was afraid that she was going to cut my hair for a whole month.

“And you?” Cardan’s voice brings me back to the present. I lift my brow to him, and he clarifies: “what about you and Locke?”

“Like you, he prefers a Duarte girl”, I shrug.

Saying it out loud hurts more than I was handling, making tears erupt from my eyes. Cardan hugs me tightly, soothing my back, letting me cry my heart out. I always knew it would come to an end. If knowledge could ease the pain, I would feel nothing at all. People usually blame Cardan, despise him, fear him or desire him for his looks. I hate it, I hate that they don’t know how kind he can be. I hurt him before, and he still embrace me as if he could protect me from the world. My heart sinks even more. I threw his love away because I was not strong enough to face his demons with him, for a love that would never be truly mine. The shitty part of it all is that if Locke were to give me a chance, I know I would toss Cardan’s love aside all over again. 


	17. We got each other’s back

[Vivienne’s POV]

The fingertips skimming my skin make me feel loved. There were never lips so right brushing mine, never a scent so good that would make me feel at home, but hers. Tracing the soft skin of her neck with my nose, while my fingers undo Heather’s sanity, I revel with her shuddering and groaning. She kisses me again, tenderly, recovering her mind with soft adorable chuckles.

“We are going to be late again”, Heather stops the kiss. I love how she looks at me, _I love her_.

“My professor, who happens to be our neighbor, scolded me last week”, I tell her. “But later he invited us for beers, so I think I am cool!”

“Is it Ed? The bearded guy?”

We start dressing ourselves.

“Yes, he is nice, I can’t see why the girls keep breaking his heart!” I take my phone and sigh. “Speaking of breaking hearts, are you sure you are okay having Jude and Taryn over?” I show her my phone, “Jude says we could sleep at the Court of Shadows... You have work, Heather”

“But Taryn has a broken heart, so she is priority. And I think she’d rather have a night with the sisters and less of the guys from the Court of Shadows. Last time she drunk, she went over and over telling me her grudges against Garret. I am pretty sure she likes the guy, but she is mostly hurt because of Locke!”

“I love how you know and are friends with my sisters!” I give her a kiss, and we leave to our classes.

\--

Jude is the first to arrive, followed by the pizzas. She pays for them before I say anything, and takes them inside.

“Gosh, I am starving!” she kisses my cheek, then Heather’s. “Where is Taryn?”

We sit in the living room, Jude actually lays over the rug.

“Taryn said she is late, nothing new”, I tell her. “Did Madoc make your training harder tonight?”

“Yeah, we are going to have an intern tournament. The Roach and The Ghost are also participating, and I beat them both, so Madoc has high expectations on me”, Jude grins proudly.

“You said you have never beaten The Ghost, you must have improved!” Heather compliments Jude.

The pizza’s smell is filling the room, and now I am getting pissed at Taryn’s delay, even if the night is for her.

“He was distracted, and I took advantage of it”, Jude looks at us meaningfully, “Garret is helpless when it is about Taryn. She is sad – he becomes sad”.

“I hope Taryn gives him a chance”, I confess. Heather nods beside me in agreement. “He is a cool guy”

“I know! I wish at least they could resolve and move on, so he could be happy with another person.” Jude sits, leaning her back against the wall, taking her phone from her back pocket and hugs a cushion. “But if Taryn were to give him a real chance, she would make him the happiest man in Elfhame, that she would!”

“Is she close?” Heather asks me, and I look at my phone for any news.

“There is a text saying that she left her house two minutes ago”

“I am going to take the plates. Do you want water or anything, Jude?” Heather asks, like a good girl with good manners.

“No, thank you. Do you need any help?” Jude starts rising, but Heather places a hand on her head, making Jude sit back.

“Don’t worry, there is nothing much to do!”, Heather replies and leaves to the kitchen.

“At least one of the sisters turned out to be in a happy and in a healthy relationship. Heather is awesome, Vivi!”

“I know, right? I love her” Jude laughs. “What about Brian and Fand? Weren’t you going out with them? Don’t tell me you have a broken heart but is keeping it to yourself so the night can be all about Taryn”

“No, I am still seeing them”, Jude sighs.

“But?”

“But Brian is all about sex, please don’t judge me. It is nice and such, but I am getting tired of him. I started ignoring his texts, but I think I have to tell him that it is over”

“Yes, it is not nice to be ignored and not know what happened”, I agree with her.

“And Fand... She is lovely, really. Funny, nice, pretty. I think I will stick with her, maybe I am just not in a good moody lately. Once I am free from Brian, I am going to focus on Fand”

I remember Jude being a shy girl, excluding herself from the world. I am glad she is mature enough to make friends, to have a sex life, and that she is trying to find love. We hear the sound of glass breaking, and we both startle.

“It is alright” Heather shouts from the kitchen. “I didn’t get hurt, no need to worry!”

“Wait here!” I tell Jude, and she nods, chuckling.

Heather is cleaning the glass over the floor and I start helping her, as she tells me that she tried to carry too much glasses at once. I help her finishing the table in time for the doorbell’s ring. I open the door to find Taryn, and she kisses my cheek happily.

“I thought I would find you crying”, I confess.

She enters my home and I lock the door behind her.

“I cried enough, for now. Where is the pizza? It smells so good!”

“In the kitchen” I point it out and Taryn takes her scarf, her coat and leaves them by the couch before going to the kitchen.

I start following her, but I realize Jude is still sitting on the floor, laughing at her phone. Perhaps it is Fand talking to her, perhaps it is dirty talk. Taken by mischief, I steal her phone and read the meme someone sent her. It is a joke about Dumbledore giving fifty points to Griffindor out of the blue, and I laugh.

“Who is ‘ _Stupid Devil’_?” I ask her.

In this app you can name whoever you are talking to and the person will never know how her name is written. I wrote Jude’s name as ‘ _Hey Jude’_ , because it is impossible to keep it for myself, The Beatles’ song.

“Cardan”, she answers, rising and holding out her hand to take her phone back.

“How cute of you! I wonder if you are this sweet with my nickname as well”

“Your name is written as ‘ _Almighty Sister’._ Cardan’s nickname is like a prank for my young interior Jude to relish over”

We arrive at the kitchen, and Taryn says ‘hi’ to Jude with her mouth full. Jude and I glare at her for not waiting for us, but Heather kindly serves our plates and I just love her more. The cheese is perfectly melted, watering my mouth, and the Orange juice is refreshing. Heather asks the girls about their lessons. Taryn is going to perform at the city’s great theater, the Insmoor Theather, and earn the money from the tickets sold. Jude is happy with her complicated research, that I will have to ask Heather to translate for me later, because I have not understood a thing about it. She helped Fand recently with a problem, and it sounded very boring to me. Fand must have seen something in Jude, because my sister shines once she starts talking about her work, and I bet she could go on for hours. Poor Fand, having to listen to it all.

I ask them if they know anyone who is needing a big bed, or if they want my bed, because Heather and I want to give it away, since we are sleeping in the same one, and make a study out of my room. Taryn shakes her head, and Jude says that she is going to talk to the guys from the Court of Shadows, because they are thinking about opening the fifth room, to share the rent with one more person. I almost start believing that Taryn didn’t need us tonight, until she suddenly breaks down, crying over her empty plate. Jude immediately takes her side, hugging her tight, and I join them with Heather.

“Why does it hurt so much?” Taryn asks between sobs. “It was my decision! I chose to stop kissing Locke, so why does it feel so lonely?”

“You were already feeling lonely before, Taryn” Jude tells her in a sweet tone. “You were already hurting, you just decided to move on with your life. It is never easy, and we are here for you”

“I am proud of you, Taryn”, I tell her. “You made a hard choice, but you are fighting for your well being!”


	18. There is fun in the Shadows

[Liliver’s POV]

Why did I have to get excited with the lab’s cleaning and went on accepting everything they were going to throw away? This box is so heavy, and of course my phone’s battery had to die on me now. Even if it is cold, sweat runs down on my back and my forehead. Out of breath and tired, I stop walking, letting the big box on the ground. Am I ever going to arrive at home? At this rhythm, probably by tomorrow. A car passes me, honking. I hate this kind of flirt more than I hate my situation, so I answer showing my mid finger up to whoever it is. The car stops and starts coming back, making me regret a bit. Pondering if I should start running and leave the box with old equipments and glassware behind, the car stops beside me, with the window open.

“Wanna a ride?” it is Cardan. “I can totally ignore that you told me to fuck off with your kind gesture, because you know, I am a gentleman”, he grins.

If I was not so into the Roach, sometimes I think I could go for Cardan. Not because I am in love or anything of the like, but because of his smug face. I think he knows the effect on people, and that is why he uses it, seducing everyone, no matter who. That must be the reason Jude forgave him for all the mess Cardan caused to her life.

“I would like that, you are most kind, my lord”, I curtsy to him, and Cardan laughs.

I let the box on the back seat and take the passenger seat beside Cardan, telling him the address. We make small talk as he asks what’s in the box and I tell him about the equipments and the possibilities of making experiments. Cardan helps me take the box inside, asking me to call him once I elaborate a good experiment that explodes something big, and I can see why Jude was worried with me teaching him something. The glow in his eyes can be dangerous. The Roach comes to the living room to see who is here with me, and my heart skip a beat with hope. Could he be jealous? Then again, it _is_ Van. He wouldn’t be jealous of me even if he liked me.

As I take the box to my bedroom, I can hear them talking about the old Nintendo that is under the television, and once I am back, I find them playing Super Mario Kart. We play together until The Ghost arrives and finally Cardan is beaten in the game by him. Jude texts me about our dinner, we had agreed to have temakis for the night because of a good sale at our favorite Japanese food place.

“Cardan, do you like temaki?”, I ask him.

“Sure!” he answers excitedly, but soon turns back to watch the game, Roach is losing to the Ghost.

_-Texting-_

_Lils: “Bring three more than we asked for”_

_The Queen: “You guys are going to pass out with so much food, but who am I to argue?”_

_Lils: “We are playing Mario Kart, the Roach is losing”_

_The Queen: “I am going to beat you all!”_

_I send her a GIF of a dude laughing hysterically then all of a sudden becomes bored._

Jude arrives twenty minutes after, carrying a bag full with temakis. She looks from Cardan to me in silence, understanding why I told her to bring more food. Cardan finally takes his eyes from the screen, grinning at Jude.

“What is he doing here?” she asks.

“Hello Jude, it is nice to see you too” Cardan helps her with the bags, giving me my share.

I rise, leaving the box with my food over the armchair, going to fetch us Coke.

“He helped me bring home a few things from my lab, and we started playing video game”, I tell Jude as she approaches me. “Is it a problem?” I add lowly so the boys won’t hear us. Jude wrinkles her nose.

“Fand is jealous of him, lately”, Jude helps me with the cups. “she might find an excuse to start a fight if I tell her that Cardan is here dinning with us, but never mind that, let’s eat!”

We give the boys cups of coke, and I return to the armchair, while Jude sits on the floor, with her back against the couch.

“Are you next, queen?” Ghost asks her.

“Roach already lost? Weak!” I tease him, and he shows me his tongue.

“Why do you call each other these nicknames?” Cardan asks curiously.

“I used to explode my school, so I am The Bomb”.

“A dangerous nerd, nice” Cardan nods approvingly.

“I am _so_ handsome, people called me The Roach since I was a kid”

“That is not fair, but I confess I was a bully and fairness was never my thing”, Cardan shrugs. “Why do you keep the nickname since it is not nice?”

“Because Liliver told me that it had another meaning for her, that I am tough outside but a nice guy on the inside” Roach answers, and I feel myself flush, so I give a big bite on my temaki to hide my embarrassment.

Cardan chuckles softly, and takes a sip from his drink.

“They called me Ghost because they never realized when I arrived, being it online or in person”

“And I am The Queen because I met them online with this nickname. You remember, though, Taryn used to play pretend and make herself a princess, giving me the responsibility of being the evil queen”

“Yeah, I remember”, Cardan answers dryly.

“What? I didn’t know that more people knew about you being a queen!” I protest.

“The first time I met the Duarte sisters was in one of my father’s parties”, Cardan starts telling us. “We played pretend that Jude was a queen, my enemy from the very begining, because I was a king and we were at war”

“It was the first time I truly wrestled with someone” Jude confesses.

“You did what?” Roach asks amused.

“I fought Cardan”, Jude laughs, covering her mouth with a hand to not let us see the food between her teeth. “And gosh, he made my life a living hell for that!”

“As if you didn’t do anything to me!” Cardan snorts. “In fifth grade, this sweet little girl put worms in my school case!”

“You started calling me and my sister ‘the Court of Worms’ ever since!” Jude accused him.

“And what about the salt in my food in seventh grade? I threw up on Valerian’s lap because Jude played that prank!”

“So you always had a weak stomach”, I get in the middle, remembering Cardan running after seeing Taryn retching at that party.

“I am sorry if I cannot handle disgusting things!” Cardan finishes his temakis as we all do, and we clean the living room, throwing the trash out, washing the cups, washing our hands before going back to the video game.

I take the chance to sit beside Van on the two-place couch, Jude sits on the armchair, Cardan sits the closest to her on the other couch, the same one with Garret, a vacant space between them.

“This was so good, where did you order it?” Cardan asks.

“Right? It is from the _Sushi-maki_ ”, Jude answers. “And you all realized that Cardan changed the subject so I don’t start telling more shit about him, right?”

“It is okay, we know a lot already” The Ghost smirks at Cardan. “Like when he used your school compass to threaten stabbing your hand”

“Or when he let Valerian throw your things in the school’s pool” I recall.

“Let’s not forget the fight we had to separate them!” Roach points out.

“Oh my God, you guys hate me”, Cardan shrinks, not certain if he is telling a joke or a truth.

Jude leans to him, reaching her hand to mess his hair while laughing.

“We don’t hate you _now_ , you silly. We are just messing with you!” she tells him.

We all laugh together, but I think Cardan’s blushing is not because we made fun of him. There is something about the way he is looking at Jude that makes me believe that he never hated her, far from it. And Jude does not have a clue about it. Oh Jude, who is the silly one? And she still wonders why Fand is jealous.


	19. A ride

[Van’s POV]

As I am leaving the house to meet Cardan outside, since he offered me a ride to the Journalism Department, I find Fand getting off of her bike on the sidewalk. She smiles at me.

“Hey Roach, how is it going?”

“Nothing new. Do you want me to call on Jude? Or maybe you want to-”

“I am already here!” Jude tells me, hurrying with her bicycle.

Cardan parks in front of the house, so I start walking towards him, not without noticing Fand’s expression shadowing.

“Good morning Fand!” Cardan says politely, only to receive a scowl in return. “Good morning, Duarte! Don’t you wanna a ride as well?”

“I am good, thanks!” Jude smiles.

I close the door and turn to her: “Don’t forget to tell your sister about the bed!”

“I won’t. And I will also talk to Heather about that interview you asked for!” she winks at me.

“That is my queen!”

Jude waves her hand, and Fand makes Jude turn, to meet her in a deep kiss. Cardan sighs and starts the car.

“Are you going to be disgusting about their kiss?” I ask him, curious about his reaction.

“Why would I?” without taking his eyes off the road, Cardan turns on the radio, making it a background sound.

“Your friend Valerian was picking on Jude last week, telling her that for once she was doing something hot”, I remember how Jude clenched her fists to not make a fight out of his unhappy commentary.

It was not just her that was holding herself back, but I also found myself angry with that man – if I can call him a man at all. Jude always complained about how Cardan made her life a misery, but Valerian was the most vulgar of them all. Perhaps I hold a grudge against him because he tried to have his way with Liliver in a party, and when she rejected him, Valerian started insulting her.

“Valerian can be a jerk sometimes, I am sorry if he offended any of you”

“So why the long sigh, if not fantasize about their kiss?”

The apprehension of his thoughts makes Cardan scratch the nape of his neck, then running his fingers through his hair. He definitely charms whoever he wishes; he has the right looks, the money, and even unease, Cardan looks like someone untouchable – unbreakable. Should I wear a more lazy air to have a girl’s eyes on me? That would be disastrous and a desperate attempt of my part. Life is unfair, I have to live with what I’ve got.

“It was nothing. It looked like Fand doesn’t like me, but I don’t remember ever doing something bad to her... Unless, she resents me for being mean to Jude. Fand used to be in the same class as Jude, Nicasia and I”, Cardan grimaces at the line of cars entering the university, making us almost stop from the traffic slowness.

“You were pretty mean to Jude, Fand has a big reason to not like you, since she is in love with Jude”

“Yeah, I suppose. I don’t even know how Jude could forgive me, but then again, it is Jude”, a fond smile plays in the corner of his mouth.

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“The girl is absurdly kind!” Cardan chuckles and glances at me friendly. “I know that if I were to treat her badly again, she would never give me another chance to befriend her, but Jude was kind to me ever since the first time we met. You know, from the fight we had? She was trying to help me with something and I got mad at her. I was a fucking stupid brat” Cardan shakes his head, and almost inaudible he adds “still am”.

“I confess I am not a fan of bullies, Cardan, but you are doing more than behaving better, not making her life a misery. You are trying to be nice to her, so you have some credit” and I am not telling him how his attempt of suicide have affected Jude, and us all from the Court of Shadows.

“So why do you need Vivi’s bed?” Cardan changes the subject.

“The bills are more expensive than we had planned” I tell him. “It is a good house, close to the most fundamental places such as supermarket and the university, we don’t want to move out. So we are going to have a new member”

“Who is it?”

“We don’t know, we haven’t announced it yet”

The car stops in front of my department, but Cardan’s expression stops me from getting off. His eyes are shining like a kid asking his mother for a toy in a store.

“Roach, the soft guy inside this tough mask, can I be the one?”

“What?” my surprise is genuine.

“I have been looking for a place for the last month, and for the gods, it is so hard to find a nice one with decent people!”

“Why would you want to find a place?” why is my voice hysterical?

“I don’t want to live with my brother anymore” Cardan sums it up. “I can pay, I am working and I promise to live by the rules you guys made. The Court of Shadows is perfect: you guys are nice people and the place is cool. We can have video game nights, I know how to make delicious breakfasts, and dude, I am awesome, you will love to have me around. _Please_ ”

Laughter breaks through me. Cardan Greenbriar is begging me for a room to live.

“I will talk with the guys at home, Mr awesome”


	20. Plans and schemes

[Garret’s POV]

My friends told me to not have my hopes up, but a man can still dream. It is all that I do, actually, never taking action, always shrinking in the shadows and remaining unnoticeable – a ghost. If the Roach held the title of being grouchy, I am the gloomy one. I don’t know how to begin a conversation with strangers, I am not sympathetic nor charismatic. That is what I admired on her at first, how Taryn’s smile would glow as she danced at those parties during High School. Then my interest grew, observing her at each opportunity. The gestures, how she gossiped with her friends, how she would flirt and dream about Locke in plain sight. Taryn is delicate, and could pass as a naive girl. However, she has fire in her eyes, and lives for what makes her happy.

As I approach the twins, I can discern them quite clearly. They are sitting on a table near the canteen, talking, wearing layers of clothes to face this cold weather. Taryn’s clothes have bright colors, her posture is elegant, while Jude is leaning over her elbows on the table, with a black sweater and a blue scarf. She spots me and waves, smiling, calling me. I sit beside Taryn.

“Why in heavens do you want to be here outside?” I ask them.

“It was supposed to be a quick meeting” Jude answers. “Did you order coffees for everyone in the lab?”

“Yeah, and you are helping me take them there”, even wearing gloves my fingers are still cold. I friction my hands trying to warm me up.

“Taryn is going to sleep over this Friday” Jude tells me.

“I going to beat you ass in that Mario Kart!” Taryn smirks at me.

“Only if I let you, princess”

“Why don’t we bet something?” Jude proposes. “We are going to have drinks, we can play something daring”

“I will think of something good, and we will see who is the loser, Ghost” Taryn scoffs

Once my order is ready, Taryn leaves, going back to her department, and Jude helps me with the coffees. We are working in the same lab, under the same professor as an advisor, but we have different researches. I was surprised when she acted excitedly over my studies, and happy that she liked it. There are not many people who I talk to, having a friend that shares similar interests has a nice feeling.

We work through the afternoon, and I leave her to meet the Roach so we can train. The Queen has a different schedule in the gym, we only train together in exceptional days. Roach tells me about Cardan wanting to move in with us.

“Man, what if he brings his friends home? I don’t like them”, I answer.

“I don’t like them either, but Cardan is nice. Maybe if we talk to him, he won’t bring them. It can be that or he can find another place”, Roach suggests.

“In that case, I am fine with it”

“And what about Taryn?” Roach appraises me.

“We are talking just fine, she is going to sleep over this Friday”

“And? Are you going to talk to her, then?” he starts to take off his box gloves and I do the same, trying to hide my face blushing.

“I will ask her out, like on a date. If Taryn accepts, the plan is to tell her on the date that I like her, and ask if she wants to be my girlfriend”

Roach gives me an approving punch on my arm, and we leave, back to our home. As soon as I lock the garage, a compact SUV stops in front of the house. Cardan and The Bomb are laughing at something, agreeing with each other. From the looks of it, he already has her approval to live with us. I grimace at the thought of squeezing my poor old Ford Fiesta in the garage. Are they going to fit in together at all?

“I invited him to check out the room”, Bomb tells us. “Vivienne had a friend bring the bed over in the afternoon, so it is all settled. The rich boy doesn’t want to ask his father for money”

Another car parks behind Cardan’s, a luxurious Audi A4. I don’t know who it is, but from the looks of Cardan’s face, he not only knows, but also is far from joy of seeing this visitor here. The Queen gets off of the passenger seat, thanking whoever is the driver. The Bomb runs to help Jude, it looks like she hurt her knee. Before I approach them to help as well, I hear Cardan’s phone ringing a message, and unintentionally, I see what is on the screen. It is a photo of Jude wearing only a purple lacy bra. The screen turns black as Cardan blocks his phone.

“You both swear that you won’t tell her” Cardan says between his gritted teeth, and I see that Roach also caught a glimpse of that photo. “It was my brother who sent me the photo, the same one that just brought Jude home. Please, don’t tell her until I find out, and learn if he was a fucking jerk enough to spread it!”

“Promise to tell us once you find out” Roach demands.

“If you need help, I can erase it from his data, and find who else has the picture”, I tell him.

Cardan nods.

“I fell from my bicycle” The Queen tells us as she approaches, her arm around The Bomb’s shoulders. “Balekin almost killed me in an accident, his car dancing over the iced road. I stopped buried in the snow. He took me to his home that was closer to the gym, and lent me another t-shirt and coat, so I wouldn’t freeze, but my jeans couldn’t be helped. I told him I didn’t need to go to the hospital, just a ride home would be fine. My bicycle had to be left in the store to be fixed, though”

“Nice. I see you all are busy, I will come by another time” Cardan rushes to his car, not giving The Bomb a chance to talk.

“What has got into him?”, The Bomb asks.

“He is probably angry at me” The Queen gives us a weak smile. “Cardan doesn’t have a good relationship with his brother, and seeing me with Balekin might have upset him”

If she knew about the photo, The Queen would totally panic about it.


	21. Breathing again

[Cardan’s POV]

The moment Balekin sent me the picture I knew I couldn’t live with him anymore. When my father sent me back to Balekin after my suicidal attempt, I decided that I would move out, whatever it would take. His jokes only got darker and more repulsive, and after three months of his refraining from beating me, he has stricken me with all his strength, like the sadistic and monster that he is. It was like a heave of hope - a light in the end of a tunnel - the vacant room in the Court of Shadows, but I don’t have time to let them decide if they accept me or not. If they don’t, I will crash at Locke’s or Nicasia’s until I find another place.

With my mind made, I start packing as soon as I arrive. Using suitcases, bags and boxes, there are still things that I throw loose in the back seat of my car. Then I wait. I could leave without seeing him, but he took that photo. Balekin could beat me through all these years and I would take each strike as I deserved or as a low life like me should. However, I wouldn’t tolerate him using Jude in any way to hurt me. I can’t bear Balekin hurting Jude. And it is my fault that now he has that picture.

If it were not for my eyes following her constantly, or the times that I tried to take her far from him during my father’s parties, Balekin wouldn’t have been tempted to use her. He wasn’t insane enough to cause ill to a daughter of Madoc, who is a close friend to our father and also knows how to kill someone. That is why I am certain that Balekin has not sent anyone else the picture; it was just for me, to let me think Jude would show him her body. Tapping my feet on the floor frantically, anxious, furious, I wait sitting on the leather couch in the living room.

Would I miss this place so modern designed, with the serious air all these black and white give? Not a bit, nor even my big king size bed. For years I planned leaving, but Balekin always found a way to make me stay. He never asked, but he would be nice to me and make me let my punishment behind, as if it was a normal, ordinary activity. This house is the living representation of my prison, the only feeling I hold for it is something I cannot name, something that aches. Balekin opens the door taking me from my thoughts, his eyes lay on me, bringing a smirk to his face.

“Did you enjoy your gift?” he sneers. “Do you think she appreciated my company?”

I rise, scratching the nape of my neck. A nervous move that I usually do unconscious, but right know, I am aware of my every breathing, the adrenaline pulsing in my veins. I have never been this thrilled to fight someone.

“I know you didn’t bed her. Jude is not like the girls you are used to”, I tell him, deliberately walking slowly towards Balekin. “I am leaving this hole you call home, Balekin”

“Finally!” He exhales loudly, “Did you wait for me to ask for you to stay?”

“I waited for you to thank you for taking that picture and sending it to me”.

Once my fist meet his face, for the first time in my life I feel true freedom. Each punch is a scream that I held, and how I well I hid my pain! I was not expecting to beat Balekin easily, so I am not surprised to be thrown over the center table, breaking it with my weight and the force that I fall. We wrestle, taking blood from each other. My quick hands find his phone and I hide it in my back pocket, feeling already victorious, no matter that Balekin uses his belt to tie my wrists together, and that he takes my belt from my jeans. It doesn’t matter anymore that my t-shirt is pulled over my head and that I am beaten feeling my flesh tear at each strike. I find strength in me, rising to hold his hand before the next strike, freeing one hand from the tie of his belt. Gripping his hair, I bring his head to meet my knee, and Balekin stumbles until he falls at my feet, barely conscious.

“I hope this settles our matters”, I spit my blood at his face.

Leaving his belt behind, I take my sweater to walk out from this place for the last time. Stopping the car in front of The Court of Shadows, I realize how tight I am holding the wheel. The trembling of my body is not out of cold, and I am losing it – my mind, that is. I have been here before, and it looked nasty. While there is still a part of me that understands what is happening, I grab my phone to text, but I can’t form words, my fingers can’t type the right letter with so much shaking. Cursing, I press dial.

_Tuuuu._

_Tuuuu._

_Tuu-_

_“Cardan?”_

“Help me”, the tears and sobs are violent, I am panicking, suffocating.

“Where are you?” Jude’s voice doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t shake.

“In front of your house” I manage to answer, coughing.

“I am right here”, there is noise of her hurry. “Stay with me, are you still with me?” there is no air to answer, it hurts. My heart, my brain, I can’t breathe. “Cardan, I am unlocking the door, look at me!” I can’t. I feel tempted to start on the car and leave, perhaps this time I won’t fail, perhaps- “CARDAN!”

I startle. Jude keeps knocking on my window, until I open the door. Her arms engulfs me, tight, desperate. I don’t understand why Jude is so glad that I am here and not gone. There is no reason for her tears, to press me against her chest or kiss the crown of my head. After my crying stops looking as if I was going to die, Jude helps me inside her home, straight to her room, telling me that the others were already asleep. I am still crying silently, looking around, remembering the first time Jude helped me, taking me to her home and treating me. Her bedroom is at another place, but the mess still the same, and within the deep sorrow and pain, there is a strange humor in my chest.

“Why is there so much blood?” Jude doesn’t let me turn to look at her, and when I feel her hand in the hem of my sweater, I realize that she is talking about what Balekin did to my back.

I allow her to undress my sweater, and I flinch as she takes off my t-shirt. There is a gasp, and silence.

“I had worse”, I tell her. “And this time Balekin had his share... Jude?”

Still silence. Did she leave and I didn’t hear it? I turn to meet her, her hands covering her mouth, her face bright red as she holds her sobs. My throat dries.

“Don’t hold your breath like that” I take Jude’s hands out of her mouth. “You are going to look ugly crying so much for me” My voice is a soft plea. “I don’t deserve your tears, Jude...”

But she shakes her head, and her face is contorted as she cries without a sound. It is my time now to press her head against my chest. Jude’s scent remains the same, chamomile with lemongrass, soothing me. If I could, I would never let her go.

“You need a hospital...”, Jude steps back, rubbing her face to rid of the tears and snot. I do the same.

“I just need a shower, and sleep”, I try to sound convincing, but it is hard with all the pain and how vulnerable I am.

Giving me a clean towel, Jude says “I will help with your back, but I am taking you to the hospital after. No arguing!”

Jude leads me to the washroom she shares with Liliver, which has a shelf with a lot of beauty products and plants. As I look around, Jude fills the tub. I keep my underwear and get inside the warm water, allowing Jude to carefully clean my back. Soon I am bathing in my own blood. It takes half an hour to have me clean and have my blood out of the tub. She leaves so I can take off my boxers and dry myself, not taking long to Jude return with some of my clothes from my car.

“Can I drive? Or do you prefer for me to call an Uber?” Jude takes her backpack that was hanging on a hook beside her wardrobe.

“Do you have a licence?”

“Of course I do” she rolls her eyes, “else, I wouldn’t offer!”

“Then drive” I give her a smile, not having the strength smirk my usual smug one, but still, a real one. “You already have the keys”

I tell Jude to ask for Dr. Smith, because he is the one on late shifts that has always treated me without telling around about my wounds. He is a nice old man, the nicest he can be, without losing his job under Balekins threats of ruining the doctor’s life if the man were ever to tell a soul about my brother’s abuse on me. We leave the hospital and I fall asleep as soon as I get inside the car, waking to Jude’s softly calling me. Having a headache after crying so much, Jude takes a painkiller before leading me again to her room. We change into comfortable clothes, taking turns in the washroom.

Pulling me to lay with her on the queen size bed, Jude pets my head, running her fingers through my hair as I tell her about how Balekin always beaten me, how I'd still be happy whenever my brother would treat me nicely as if he was never aggressive to me, clinging to this thin thread of family love. She listens about my family hating me, how my father was glad when I went to live with Balekin. I tell her of my darkness, the monster that I fed and used to be, and I sob again asking her to forgive me for all the times that I was out of control and hurt her badly. When I wake up, Jude is not around. I leave her room, just in time for Garret to see me as he leaves his own bedroom.

“Good, you are here!” I give him Balekin’s phone. “I hope you can erase that fucking photo. And stop looking at me like that, I have not had sex with The Queen”

“So why are you coming out of her room, smelling like her?” Garret quirks a brow.

“I fought Balekin, in case you have not noticed my bruises, and I came here bleeding. Jude helped me, and I ended up sleeping in her room, that is all. Oh, I have not told her about the photo. Once you tell me for sure that Balekin has not sent it to anyone but me, then I will tell her. Else, she will only worry”.

Garret shrugs.

“Are you going to live with us now?”

“If you all accept me, definitely yes. But if there is a problem, I will sadly, reeeeeally sadly, find somewhere else”, I pout, making him laugh.

It is not as if I am not a monster anymore, and it is not about being sad. Jude’s kindness definitely saved me, again, but I am not free from the weight nor the invisible hand squeezing my chest. Mostly, I have become numb. It is enough to make me through a day. Garret shows me my new bedroom. Apparently they all discussed that I could stay here after I had gone packing my things at Balekin’s place. It is simple, but it is all I needed. There is a dark mahogany built-in wardrobe, beside a small desk and the door that has the lock broken. The wooden floor is nice, it would look better with a rug, but I won’t be able to afford a big rug for a while. The window is big, opposite to the door. Vivi’s doubled bed is right in the middle. I push it until it meets the left wall, so I have space for my electric piano on the right. The visit’s washroom is now also mine, and since they don’t actually have much visitors, it became my responsibility to keep it clean.

With everything unpacked, I change into my; a black t-shirt with long sleeves, jeans and black Converse. Not to forget my black eyeliner, rings, earrings and a leather bracelet. My body hurts, but I can manage surviving through the day. I have rehearsal Wednesday’s nights, and once I am back, I meet all the members of the Court of Shadows, plus Fand in the living room. They tell me about the rules, about cleaning, about not being loud if bringing someone for sex, and not having big parties. Liliver makes it clear they don’t like Valerian, nor Locke, but Nicasia is acceptable. I am just happy to have a place to live, that has so many nice people. Except for Fand’s glares, but I don’t tell them about it. She is mad that Jude missed her morning classes because Jude overslept and didn’t meet her, then instead of having lunch together, Jude had gone to the coffee shop where I work, to give the owner the hospital prescription for me to rest. Further more, Jude didn’t tell Fand that I slept on the same bed as her, nothing about last night, upsetting Fand even more as she only thinks that I got caught in another fight like my old school’s days.

“Marrow is a nice lady, the coffee shop’s owner” I tell them, glad that she accepted the hospital discharge for the day.

I don’t know how much I owe Jude; for instance, I owe her my life. Garret agrees to clean the shelves from the garage this Saturday, and take them to the backyard, so we can fit both our cars in there. I follow him to his room, throwing myself on his bed. Garret has a shelf full with figure actions, and I envy him for that. I tell him that I only have a Gandalf, and he shows me the Gollum from his collection.

“Here, take it back” Garret returns Balekin’s phone. “As you said, he only sent it to you. I erased the picture from his data, you can return the phone to him”.

“Thanks man!” I sink the cellphone in my back pocket. “Do you want to watch a movie now? You can call the others while I make us popcorn!”


	22. A night in the Court of Shadows

[Jude’s POV]

It has been only a day since Cardan officially moved in to the Court of Shadows, and everyone has already seen him naked. Even though I have my desk back into my room, and we all worked together to take the shelves from the study we had made to the living room, it is easy to forget when one is in a hurry, and his bedroom doesn’t have a lock. Cardan told us he likes to be naked in his room, and doesn’t mind to be seen.

“I am too handsome to keep it for myself”, he says.

But he dresses up anyways, or covers himself, not wanting anyone looking at his wounds and bruises that are still so vivid. After what happened, I am glad I could help him, and I feel that we became friends. He told me so many things, trusting me to keep it to myself, so it is easy to be fond of him as I am with my others roommates. Except for these brief moments when his gaze induces my heart to twist in my chest, when his smile is that of child playing a prank or that of a sweet curve towards me.

The greatest exception was this morning, when I went to that room looking for my phone charger that was actually on the shelf in the living room, and he was standing naked, taking the excess of water off of his hair with a towel. I didn’t know he had tattoos before I had helped him clean his wounds the other night, exposing the drawings once he was only in his underwear. One covered all his left thigh in black scales, where a snake starts to unwrap itself by his knee and its head is drawn on his foot; the other are vines on his right ankle going up to his calf with delicate blue flowers. Cardan is tall, lean but has muscles in the right places, looking firm and elegant – if it is possible to describe as so. The water drops sliding down through places my mouth wanted to wander. With no notion of what expression I held, I stumbled out of the room feeling my face burn, and an unnecessary warmth along my skin, with my heart hammering in my chest. 

I arrive at home the same time Cardan comes back from his night’s shift. He parks in front of the house, meeting me with a wide smile.

“Should I go to the gym? I miss your punches, Duarte”, the teases me.

“Are you a masochist?” I scoff, getting off of my bicycle.

Cardan laughs, approaching me.

“I think I am. Jude, I need to talk to you... Do you have time now?”

“Sure”

I take my bicycle back to the room in the backyard, and meet Cardan in his bedroom. It is so much different from mine, neat and tidy. Conscious of my sweat from the training, I stand as far from him as possible, but it looks like Cardan doesn’t know personal space, closing the distance between us. He scratches the nape of his neck and gives me his cellphone. Pulling my brows together, I take a look at the screen, to meet me there wearing only a bra, looking at something else that doesn’t show in the picture.

“That day Balekin lent you his clothes, he took it and sent it to me”, Cardan tells me awkwardly. I glare at him, confused.

“Why did he do it?” Then worry. “Is he spreading this picture? Am I in trouble? If Madoc sees it, what is he going to think of me?”

“I brought his phone with me, Garret helped to rid of the photo, this is the last copy”, Cardan curls his lips. “My family is as shitty as I am, and I am sorry. I just kept this photo to show you, and let you know what he did, so you can stay away from Balekin. Press ‘delete’ now”

I do, and run through the database to see if he sent it to anyone, but Cardan didn’t. Giving his phone back, I sigh. How awful his brother can be? And why send it only to Cardan? Was he mocking me? I meet his dark eyes again to find no amusement in them, and a thought strikes me with horror.

“Did you fight Balekin because of it?” my question makes him gasp, but he tries to deny it.

“No, it was not because of you! Please, Duarte, not _everything_ has to do with you”

“Cardan, it is not a good time to force _funny_ commentaries into the conversation” I hiss. “You shouldn’t have fought him because of a picture! Not when he is so much stronger than you and hurts you so badly!”

“Why are you angry at me? It was Balekin who took a picture of you!”, Cardan places his hands on my shoulders, as if he could try to make me see some sense. “And I didn’t fought him only because of that, in case you have forgotten, Balekin beats me ever since I was a kid, so I have been building up some hatred towards him. After I tried to kill myself in high school, I decided that I had to leave his house. I told you that... Balekin taking that kind of picture of you was only the push I needed”

“It is not nice to be the push you needed, not when it made you... Like that” I recall Cardan crying in his car, out of breath. It was the saddest scene I have ever seen. I sigh. It is not worth to argue now, so I recover my humor. “You were beaten by me and you tried to beat your brother. Not a smart move, Greenbriar”

“I never lost to you” Cardan laughs, taking his phone back and sinking it into his pocket. “You might have hit your head and forgotten, my queen, but we were separated by our friends”

“Do you want to try and solve that unfinished business in the ring? Oh, I forgot, you are no fighter, you just throw punches hoping to hit something!”

“I could fight you right now, but you are stinking, so I’d rather not”, Cardan wrinkles his nose, mocking me.

I am about to throw him to the ground when I hear someone calling me. Scoffing, I make my way out of his room, to find the Roach with Fand in the living room. There is a ghost of a smile on her lips, but it was gone as soon as she saw from were I came.

“Why were you in the naked man’s room?” she asks.

Cardan comes right after me, passing to the kitchen.

“I was not naked then” he croons once he passes Fand. “Oh, but I don’t need to be naked for certain things to happen, do I?”

Before Fand starts a fight, I take her hand leading her to my room. She complains again that Cardan is living here, even after I take a shower. She sleeps here with me, however, I don’t feel fine. Why love must be complicated and hurt? I don’t want to hurt Fand, I like her smile and her boldness, so why must we hurt each other? Perhaps love is not for me, and now I have to end things with her as well. Or should I let her anger about Cardan dissolve? I don’t know anymore.

In the morning, when she is leaving for her classes, Cardan is in the living room watching television. He only says a low ‘hi’ to us, and it is enough to make Fand angry again. She kisses me possessively, a hand under my shirt skimming my skin up to my breast. I like her touches, but I don’t like to make a show to anyone, so I back off, heaving, and she gives a satisfied smirk. Once she leaves, I return to my room, back to sleep, without classes to attend. I wake to my phone ringing, Taryn sending me a billion of texts.

I must have been too tired, sleeping the whole day. It is already time for training, which makes my guts twist for being late, hating my irresponsibility. I meet Ghost and Roach by the entrance, hurrying with my bicycle.

“Can you pick Taryn up, Ghost? I was sleeping and didn’t wake to meet her. Taryn hates to walk alone at night, you know she was stalked some time ago”

“Sure” he says. “I will text her”

“You don’t even try to disguise that you are happy with the task!” The Roach snickers.

After training, I meet everyone with drinks at the living room. The Bomb dancing with Taryn, The Ghost watching her as if he could drool, Cardan and The Roach playing cards. I take a quick shower, returning to find them engaged with Mario Kart. Liliver gives me a canned beer, hugging me.

“Dear Fand won’t join us?” she asks.

“No, she went visit her family. She is going to stay there this weekend”, I take a sip of the bitter drink. “And Taryn is here, it wouldn’t be nice to sleep the three of us in the same room”

They all scream cheers all of a sudden, startling me. Taryn growls, she has lost to The Ghost. Then she takes her shirt off, throwing it to his face.

“We are playing strip-Mario Kart”, Liliver explains. “You lose the race, you lose a piece of clothe. Don’t complain, I am the one who is wearing a dress and no socks!”

I shake my head, laughing at her. We all play and drink and eat pizza. We end up taking a picture of us together in this shameless state: I am wearing my sweatpants and my bra; Liliver is only in her undergarments and so is Taryn and Van; Garret is wearing his jeans; and Cardan preferred to rid off of his jeans but kept the shirt on, to not expose his back wounds. It doesn’t take long for the Roach go to his room, then the Bomb does the same. I start cleaning the kitchen, and when I return to the living room, there is only Cardan, still playing video game.

“Come on, help me clean the room” I kick his feet out of the armchair and he complains something unintelligible.

We close the trash together, and rise, tired. Looking around to see if I didn’t forget anything, I sigh in relief, and turn to Cardan. His gaze is not on my eyes, but lower. It makes me laugh, and he actually blushes.

“Do you want to keep playing with me, just playing without taking our clothes off?” he offers. “In fact, you should put on some clothes, you are distracting!”

As I dress my long sleeve shirt, and Cardan is back with his jeans, we start hearing moans from upstairs. I feel so embarrassed recognizing my sister’s voice calling Garret, that I want to open a hole in the ground and bury me. Without thinking twice, I put on my shoes by the door and leave the house, where soon after Cardan meets me, giving me one of his black sweaters as he dresses another. He takes me to his car in front of the house, and I am thankful for not having to wait in the cold for my sister finally fall asleep.

“Garret sounds really good, don’t you think?” Cardan mocks me, and I grimace. “Seriously. Taryn was never that loud with Locke”

“How would you know?” I regret the words as they leave my mouth. “Never mind that, don’t tell me”

He chuckles.

“Besides being to his parties and hearing not much when they went to Locke’s room, there was a time that Locke had sex with Taryn, and I was in the room. Don’t get me wrong, that time I was not doing anything, I was wasted and had gone to sleep, but not before hearing them. I had not much of a choice”

Distracting me from that image, I turn the radio on. I have not drunken enough, I feel tired, but I should be like the Roach or the Bomb, sleeping like a rock right now. Instead, I am only a bit dizzy.

“Don’t tell me you have never done anything out of the box in your sex life, Jude Duarte! You almost had sex with Fand this morning in front of me!” Cardan makes a dramatic grave and accusatory voice.

“That was far from having sex in front of someone, Cardan Greenbriar!” I say dramatically offended, and we both laugh. “But no, really, if you take it, it could very well be my most bold moment in public, that was not in a party”

“And in private? Have you screamed like Taryn is screaming with The Ghost?” Cardan giggles.

“No. Have you?”

“I made some girls scream, yes. But I suppose not exactly like that” Cardan sighs. “They like each other, Taryn and Garret. It is not just a fuck”

“For that you had Nicasia”, I remember. It was when he stopped tormenting me for a while, Cardan had her to occupy his mind. “But you two remained friends, even when she kissed Locke in front of everyone. Did you love her?”

Cardan meets my eyes, humor gone.

“I did. And she loved me, only it was more like a friend. So we remained friends, and we are better this way. Have you never loved anyone? What of Fand?”

“I don’t know what is love, so perhaps this means I have not loved anyone” I confess.

It starts playing “I want it that way”, by Backstreet Boys, and Cardan suddenly turns up the volume, singing along. By the chorus, I start singing as well, laughing with him, panting by the end of the song. Cardan turns down the volume again, smiling at me.

“Tell me, then” I quirk a brow, feeling foolish as I smirk. “What was your most ‘out of the box’ performance?”

“You are too pure to hear about it” Cardan croons with a cheeky smirk.

“Boooooring”

“Fine, you asked for it!” he warns me, and I nod excitedly. “I... I can’t believe we are talking about it” he chuckles. “I fucked a lady while I let a gentleman fuck me”

“You did not!” I cover my open mouth with surprise.

“I did, yes” Cardan returns. “I told you that you were not ready for it. And if you want to hear more, I also had a time fucking a girl while she was blowing Locke. There was another time were there were so many people together, everyone in everyone, it was a mess”

I knew he had experiences, but hearing it from his mouth gives an absurd sensation, like Cardan is an unrealistic man, in a world far from mine.

“Now let me aks you a daring question, and you must promise to not ask me back the same thing” he proposes.

“Why can’t I ask back?”

“Because it is my rule, and I am saying so” Cardan lifts his chin like an arrogant child.

“Fine!” I answer, daring him to be obscene, and there is fire in his eyes, waking something in me that should stay asleep, boiling my blood with his smirk.

“Shit, I don’t think I am drunk enough to pull this out. Forget it” he looks to the window, and lowers the back of his seat.

I lower mine as well. We can’t see the sky, our breaths fogging the Windows, but it is possible to see the change in the light, the sun will rise soon.

“Ask, now I am curious” I demand once he turns to me.

Cardan takes a deep breath, gathering courage.

“When was the first time you masturbated thinking of me?”

I gasp, my cheeks burning. “How can you assume that I have ever done it?”

“Please, Duarte”, his arrogance in every word. “Everybody did it” I scoff, with lack of words. “So?”

I hate it that he is right.

“After _the_ Christmas party, the one we kissed”, I answer between gritted teeth. Cardan looks surprised that I actually answer him. “Now answer me without returning the question: when was the _last_ time you masturbated thinking of me?”

He narrows his eyes, making me grin, and there it is again, those simmering eyes.

“Yesterday morning, after you devoured me with these lustful eyes of yours”, his voice is low, and I am thinking that we shouldn’t have started this conversation. I shouldn’t want to go over him. Was this the real reason he lowered the back of his seat, and not because he wanted to be more comfortable? “What were you thinking? About covering me in kisses?”

Why stop the tease when it is dangerously delicious?

“I told you before that I wouldn’t give you sweet kisses, Cardan”. I take his hand. “I told you that I would bite you, remember?”

He nods, agape. Lifting his hand to brush my lips on it’s back, I bite him lightly, just a graze of my teeth. A groan escapes his throat, and Cardan takes his feet over the seat, holding his knees as I let go of his hand.

“Back at the party, I wanted to bite you too” he lays his head over his arms, watching me through half lids. “Would you have let me, if we were not interrupted?”

“Possibly” I use his sweater to cover my face of embarrassment, letting only my eyes out. I don’t even know what I am saying and doing anymore. “But I was more interested in your hands...”

“My hands were very happy” he chuckles softly. What do I want to make of him? “I liked what I squeezed”

“I liked what I was pressed against” I whisper, his pupils dilate, almost imperceptible with the low light and his dark iris.

“If you come over here, you can feel it again” Cardan whispers, more out of uncertainty than out of a provocation.

“I won’t”, I say, and he hisses, making me giggle.

“It would feel good” Cardan tries, a shy smile.

“Probably”

“I would use my hands, the ones that you liked” he insists.

“Would you?” I tease. Why do I like how weak he looks? Under my control, sensible to my voice, at each word looking as if he is going to give in and advance at me.

“Yes, and not only over your clothes” Cardan purrs. What have I done? The heat pooling in my stomach is unnatural, wild, making me want to hear more, as if I could make Cardan grove for me. “I would touch you more softly than Fand, under your bra, even if you don’t want me to touch you sweetly, I would. Peeling off these clothes while kissing your skin. I wonder what sound you would make once my mouth would’ve met the most sensitive part of your breast”

I swallow thickly.

“Let’s stop this play” I manage to say, and he chuckles again, running his hand through his hair, then scratching the back of his neck.

“Come, the sun is rising. Let’s watch it”

“But it is cold!” I complain.

“Fine, stay there” Cardan gets off of the car.

Is this how he treats his friend normally? Having a sex talk, provoking, joking? His spicy musk scent overwhelms me. I can’t make the mistake of not giving me limits, since it looks like Cardan will go as far as I let him, or offer him. Is this why Fand is so jealous? If I remain in control, it looks like Cardan will behave. It is possible to be his friend, it is not like these kind of plays could make either of us fall for the other. I snort at my thoughts. Cardan would never fall in love with me. Placing the hood of the sweater on my head, I meet the cold of the outside morning, and join Cardan in front of his car to watch the sun rise.


	23. Gone

[Valerian’s POV]

Waking up is a slow process, it takes a sense at a time to realize what is happening. Starting by my dry mouth, and the feeling of heaviness in my chest, that of being adrift, tired. What follows is the recognition of my own body, twitching my fingers to check that they are still here, that this is my body. _Fucking dry mouth and nauseous_. Stretching all my body, I hear a low noise, a moan of complain, and now I have to figure where I am. Opening my heavy lids, I spy into the room – my room in the fraternity. Good, I am not the one who has to leave. Then I am taken by flashes of last night; colorful lights, loud music, this slim girl with long black hair kissing me, then we came to my room to inject heroin, have sex and that’s it. I feel up for a next round, finding her mouth. She kisses me back, giggling, and spread her legs for me.

Is it what? Tuesday? Don’t know, don’t care. Finishing the girl, I leave her in my bedroom so I can take a shower, returning to find her gone. Thank goodness I didn’t have to send her away. My phone rings, it is Cardan asking if I am going to meet him and the others for lunch, and since by stomach is growling, I agree with him. Grabbing my car keys, I take a last glance at my messed bedroom, just to check that my drug kit is there under my bed. I smoke weed while driving, and meet my friends at the university cafeteria. We could go for a fancy restaurant, but douche bag Cardan is not willing to use his family’s money anymore, and can’t afford expensive meals. I told the bastard I could pay for him, but he laughs it off, telling me that if I want another kind of food so bad, I can have lunch without him.

“I still can’t believe that you are living with Jude Duarte” Locke says to Cardan as we sit with our tray of food.

“I told you he wants to fuck her”, I mock, not looking at Cardan.

“If you have to move in to the same fraternity just to get laid, you lost your touch, Cardan!” Locke laughs, and I laugh with him, eating.

“You guys don’t understand” Nicasia sighs. “Cardan is _friends_ with the worm”

“What is the play, Cardan?” I lift a brow to him.

Until now he has kept silence whenever we brought up the subject, not glaring, nor laughing it off. He has changed, ever since his attempt to die alone. I thought we understood each other, that we would stick together, but Cardan is weak, he cares too much when he could do whatever he wants. It displeases me, it makes me hate Jude Duarte more for influencing him. That bitch will pay one of these days.

“It is Locke who likes to play, Valerian” Cardan finishes his food, and rises alone. “And you, you should stop with the heroin, you know? You look terrible, and I truly worry about you.”

Our eyes meet, and I know Cardan is serious, after all, he cares too much.

\--

I know what I have to do: scare the girl so much that she won’t want to be around Cardan anymore. I wait for her in my car, taking sips from my canned beer. It is cold outside, dark, she won’t see me approaching. Cardan shouldn’t test me. I could accept that he doesn’t want to party that much anymore, that he doesn’t want to fight, or that he works because he is rebellious with his family. I could bear Cardan being a low life, poor guy, because I know that it is only a phase, like his moody temper. But looking at me as if I was the one making the bad choices while he befriends the very worm we despised our whole life? No, I won’t allow it. Jude infected Cardan, so he won’t come to his senses if I only talk to him. That is why she must suffer and leave, it is my duty to have her gone.

She rides her bike leaving the gym behind, and with my lights out, I follow at a distance, creeping her. Jude glances over her shoulders, and I know she can’t see me inside the car, but it thrills me all the same. Before she has any good ideas to escape me, I advance at her, making her fall. I get off of my car, charging after the fallen girl. She crawls backwards, and my insides twist excitedly. Jude is glaring at me, not a hint of fear in her expression. But hate, so much hate, that I can live with it.

“Are you out of your mind?” she hisses, recognizing me, not changing her expression as she rises.

“You are going to leave Cardan alone”, my threatening voice is low, and I don’t give her time to think, grabbing Jude by her hair, pulling her to the back seat of my car as she struggles to free herself.

“Let go off me!” Jude growls.

Squirming, pushing me, kicking me as I throw her laying back on the back seat of my car, Jude tries her best, but she started shaking. Her fear is not showing on her face, but Jude can’t control all of her body that well. I hold her neck with one hand, choking her, but not intending to kill the girl. Both her hands hurry to try and free her from my grip, and once my other hand starts pulling her sweatpants down, Jude finally has fear in her eyes. This is what Cardan missed, I bet his old self would be dripping wet to have Jude like this. I am going to make her beg me, I am going to tear Jude apart. While I free myself from my jeans to my knees, Jude cries, still contorting herself looking for freedom.

“Aren’t you a know-it-all shitty girl? So you must know that if you keep fighting me, it is going to hurt more... Although, I don’t mind that you are hurt”, I chuckle.

However, to my horror, Jude is an abomination of a woman. She punches me, breaking my nose. As I wince back with both my hands on my face, Jude kicks my balls, making me fall out of the car. My vision blurs, as I throw curses at her, pain sparkling making me crouch beside my car. Stumbling, Jude dresses her clothes again, running from me, taking her bike and not turning back. Whatever, I gave her a scary. Jude will probably blame Cardan, avoid him for being my friend. I have pretty much traumatized her, so she won’t be getting laid any time soon, which leaves me satisfied.

I arrive at my room to take my medical insurance so I can go fix my nose at the hospital, but I am stricken by the urge to have heroin in my body, and I forsake my plans. There, ready to feel at ease, needy, itching for the sensation of freedom as I feel it filling my veins. There is a strange pain, suffocating all of a sudden, my pressure is lowering unnaturally fast. It is odd, what is happening? A lightning of pain blinds me, and suddenly, there is nothing.


	24. The river of life

[Fand’s POV]

Wondering about what a shy girl could have done to deserve so much hatred from Cardan and his crew, I started to to be more curious about Jude Duarte. She never gave me further motivation to start a friendship, anyhow, Jude always smiled happily when we were partners in school projects. I found her among the crowd during the welcome party at TFOTA University, and I was happy to see her there, looking happy, a young independent woman. It was never my intention to flirt with Jude, but I couldn’t help it, being that close... Her lips so soft, her hands gingerly on my waist, and I wanted her for me.

It is my fault for never actually saying that I am in love with her, even if I made it pretty clear, Jude chooses to ignore it. We have an open relationship, and I am constantly afraid that Jude will find out that she’d rather have a man than... Me. Free from the usual bullies, Jude smiles more, and I have to bite inside my cheek and swallow dry my jealousy, every time someone realizes Jude is beautiful, taking a second more looking at her face or her body. All the university knows that Jude Duarte has kissed Cardan Greenbriar at a party. I didn’t see it, but I didn’t need to see it for my ire grow. Why would she kiss him? _Him!_ The one who tormented her ever since Jude came to Elfhame, and that they both hated each other!

When we watch the Forevermore play, Cardan keeps stealing glances at her. I am not proud of being so possessive, when Jude makes sure to let me know that we are not that serious. Nevertheless, my heart ache each thinking about the things she had to go through, how Cardan tried his best to make Jude’s life a misery. And yet. _And yet!_ He dares to look at her as if he is in love, with puppy eyes. Jude doesn’t see it, she doesn’t understand how Cardan looks at her with more intensity, and I start to think that he never really hated her. I fear that Jude will fall for him, that he is going to melt her heart with his gazes. Does he think he can do it? Is this the reason he stares so much? So I kiss her, deeply, whenever I catch him watching. Right at his face, I show him that Jude likes me, and I love her, so I will fight to keep her by my side.

\--

I arrive at the Court of Shadows and text her, but Jude doesn’t reply. The lights are on, so there must be someone here. I can wait for her in the living room, if she was kept until late in the gym. Ringing the doorbell, I start imagining unpleasant things. Such as, Cardan and Jude being too friendly while playing video games or watching a movie. The front door opens, and the Ghost appraises me silently, then lets me in. I find my way to the backyard, leaving my bicycle there and returning to the living room.

“Jude is in the hospital” The Ghost tells me. “I can take you there, but I just left, because her family is there... So perhaps you could wait. Or I can take you home, since it is late”

He is playing with his car Keys, not looking at me, leaning against the wall.

“What happened? Is she sick?”

Ghost grips his keys, strangely angry. He doesn’t usually gets angry, even less shows it on his face, so I am starting to worry.

“Valerian tried to rape Jude when she was coming back from training”, his low voice haunted with darkness. I feel sick.

“He did WHAT?”

Shrinking at my yell, Ghost glares me annoyed. “Jude escaped, though. She came home, I took her and Taryn to the hospital. Jude told Liliver and Van to keep Cardan company at home, because she wouldn’t be allowed so many visitors any ways, and-”

“Where is he? Where is Cardan? It is all his fault!” I go to his room, to find no one.

“You are not being rational here, Fand. Why is it Cardan’s fault?”

“Because he was the one who always made his friends find it funny to torment Jude! They know no limits, that is why!” I shout again, and the Ghost looks even more annoyed now.

“Cardan doesn’t control people’s mind, Fand. I know that Cardan was a bully until High School, but he grew up, he asked for forgiveness and is trying his best to be a good man-”

“Why are you defending him? Oh, I know why, he infected your mind as well!” I laugh hysterically. “You were not there, you didn’t see how he was cruel!”

The front door opens, from where the Bomb, the Roach, _Nicasia_ and Cardan comes in. Storming at him, I give Cardan a loud slap on his face, and since he doesn’t react, I push him, making him fall on his ass.

“You spoiled brat! Cruel disgusting dickhead!” I yell at him, and the Bomb pushes me away, placing herself between us so I won’t advance again.

“Who are you, bitch?” Nicasia shouts at me. “Oh, I know, it is the insignificant girl that no one hears about, and possessively follows Jude Duarte. _Creep_!”

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, I am going to throw the both of you outside and call the police to take care of your childish fight!” The Bomb says in a firm voice.

Panting, I take a step back. I don’t want to fight Jude’s friends. Except Cardan.

“Any news?” The Roach asks the Ghost, passing him to the kitchen.

“Jude only has bruises, but they will hold her there a while more, to make a medical report of the assault,then off to the police station” Ghost answers.

Roach comes back with a beer in his hand, and he throws himself on the couch.

“I hope the bastard goes to jail soon”, I say between gritting teeth.

“That will be quite difficult” Cardan says dryly. We all turn to look at him, Nicasia sitting between his legs on the floor, her face buried on his shoulder. She is crying. “Valerian is dead, it was overdose”

\--

It is our second year as university students. Jude spent all summer with her family, and now that she is back, she looks fine, healed. After she was assaulted, I didn’t try to have more than kisses from her, but a couple of months passed, and Jude became a starving beast. There was a night that we thought we were alone, and I was louder than I usually let myself be, overwhelmed by Jude’s touches and body. I finished thirsty, so I went downstairs to fetch some water and found Cardan in the living room with his headphone on. I didn’t care that I was only wearing a big t-shirt, and was not ashamed of my noises. Instead, I lift my chin at him, as if saying “I just made Jude undone, she is mine!”. Darkness crossed his face, then he averted his eyes to the television, back to his game.

We go to a party at her sister’s friend’s fraternity, Rhyia Greenbriar. I get lost from Jude, just to find her sitting alone on a stool by a counter, watching people play billiards. The light is low, the shadows accentuating her curves. Jude is wearing dark skinny jeans and a glittering red tank top. Her hair is half loose on her back, half made into two high buns each side of her head. A leather bracelet on her wrist and a ruby ring as adornments. My heart hammers violently, enticed by her beauty, but anger overtakes me as soon as my eyes catches a figure just as cursed in place by Jude’s sight as me. Cardan is sitting on a sofa, between two women that I don’t know. A blondie and a redhair. They both are pretty. The redhair is slim, wearing a dress that ends just bellow her ass, a leg over Cardan’s while she nips his earlobe; the blondie has more curves, wearing mini skirt and a top that could pass as a fancy black bra, her hand caressing his chest under his shirt while her mouth plays on his neck. But Cardan is clearly fantasizing about Jude, staring fiercely at her. I don’t know if Jude is unaware, or if she is ignoring him. She looks amused with the game, perhaps waiting for her turn.

“You should go there” Locke appears on my side, whispering in my ear. “you should kiss her in front of him to shatter his imagination”

I don’t like Locke, but he was the least that caused Jude to suffer. And he is giving me a good suggestion.


	25. Sight seeing

[Cardan’s POV]

As the monster that I am, disgusting, repulsive, I took the blame for inciting Valerian’s hate through so many years. Fand’s slap is not near enough the pain that I want to feel, I can almost miss Balekin now. I am terrible, I created a monster and set him loose. Jude was hurt again because of what I have done, and she knew I would blame myself, so she set Liliver and Van on the task to keep an eye on me. Jude thought I would try to hurt myself, but the first thing I did was to go after Valerian, I would make things right and let him go to jail. Yet, I failed even more, neglecting Valerian as he drugged himself. My friend is dead.

Locke, Nicasia and I spend a whole week together, supporting each other’s sadness. Valerian didn’t have much friends, people approached him to either fuck or have status, so there are not many to mourn him. _Fucking idiot!_ Why did he do that to himself? Why Valerian had to be so careless? I can’t hate him if he is gone, I can’t redeem myself, he didn’t let me. I spend summer vacation alone in the Court of Shadows, but Jude texts me all days to make sure I didn’t lose my mind again. It makes me happy as much as it hurts me, the kindness I don’t deserve. And I am glad, more than that even, that Valerian failed at his attempt and Jude is recovering. Even if she didn't show to anyone, even if she says she is getting better, Jude must have been terrified. The damage was far too great, and I am afraid of Jude shutting her friends out. Me included. Not just because I am selfish and wish for her friendship, but for her, I am worried about her. 

The lessons are back, and now I have more shifts at the coffee shop, since we are not doing the Forevermore again. I am tired and can’t sleep regularly.

“Why don’t you go through therapy?” Jude asks me a night that she meets me working in the living room, editing others’ writings.

She sits beside me, close enough to our shoulders touch, reading what is in my laptop’s screen. She flushes, then shakes her head to rid of it. The chapter contains explicit sex, and she is blushing because she felt embarrassed for reading it. _How splendid_ , the woman knows how to be bold and tease me, seduce me, yet flushes sheepishly reading about sex. At least it doesn't scare her. 

“I don’t trust people, in case you have not realized it” I tell her, letting the laptop aside.

“But when you have a stomachache, you trust the doctor to help you heal...” Jude argues, meeting my gaze.

“Therapy is different” I point out, quirking my brow.

“Because the disease is different. You don’t expect for a doctor that knows how to treat ingrown nail to make a heart surgery, do you?”

“But it is a person, talking. Boring” I pout. “I had to take medicine when I tried to kill myself, but the pills didn’t really work...”

“I bet you stopped taking the pills by yourself” Jude narrows her eyes.

“You have such a low faith in me”

“So you didn’t?”

I shrug, and answer honesty with a plain face. “I did”

“Cardan!” she gives me a light punch on my thigh. “Seriously, therapy will help you. Let me tell you something. Do you know how I got these?”

Jude shows me the missing tip of her ring finger, and then she points to the big tattoo of a sword on her thigh. The blade involves a big scar, as if the deformed skin were vines etched in it. I try not to think about how close we are, about how much skin she is allowing me to see wearing this pajamas shorts that has pink hearts and doesn’t match with her old over sized Slipknot t-shirt.

“I never thought they were related”, I confess.

“They are. We don’t talk about it, you know. My family, that is.” She shrugs. “I was in the car accident that killed my parents” Jude’s voice is soft, carrying sadness, and I don’t know why, it also carries guilty. “I blamed myself for years, sometimes I still do.”

“Jude, you were a child, whatever happened, it was not your fault”, I tell her. But maybe I am being a hypocrite, since I blame myself for so many things I did as a child.

“I freed myself from my seat belt, and leaned between the front seats to change the radio station”, she tells me, looking at her hands. “I fell over the gear shifter, making my dad do the wrong move. I remember I went flying through the window, and I woke up in the hospital. They died in the accident. I told Taryn and Vivi that it was my fault, I told them that I murdered our parents and deserved to go to jail”, she chuckles softly, empty of humor. My chest is heavy, I want to hold Jude as if I could ease her pain. But How could I? I never knew she suffered more than sorrow for losing her parents, but she also thought she was to blame. And still, I made her life a living hell. I am starting to think that Jude thought of me as I thought about Blekin’s punishments, as she deserved that pain I caused her. “The tattoo was a drawing from dad... I wanted to be a knight while Taryn wanted to be a princess, and he made the drawing for me. It is called Nightfell”

“It is beautiful”, I tell her. Taken by the angst, I clasp our hands.

“It is”, Jude sighs, and looks at me. “I went through therapy for years, more than my sisters. It was not easy, Cardan. It remains not easy, but after treating my heart, I learned the tricks of my mind, I learned how to face my monsters, and it has been a long time since I last thought it was hard to breathe, or that it hurt to exist”

She curls her lips, waiting for my response.

“I don’t know Jude... It is different. You were an innocent child, you were no monster, nor cruel. You may think that I am sick, and I might be, but there is more- I can’t talk about it, I can’t tell anyone. It sounds stupid, shameful, like I am pleading for pity. It is disgusting” I feel myself shrinking as I answer her.

Jude cups my cheek with her free hand, surprising me.

“I will insist on it again. For now, just know that I am glad that you are fighting, that you didn’t give in when you lost V-, when you lost your friend. I am sure Nicasia and Locke are happy to have you around as well!”

She can’t even say Valerian’s name, traumatized, and Jude is the one trying to cheer me. Fuck if I am not a weakling. Jude rises, kisses the crown of my head and leaves to her bedroom. My wicked heart thundering, infuriatingly happy out of Jude’s fondness.

\--

Fand obviously knows how I feel about Jude, and she hates me for it. It seems her hatred for me grows each day she sees me, and I envy her for being able to kiss Jude. Trying to distract myself at Rhyia’s fraternity party, drunk, I find two women to sit with me on the couch. They whisper dirty words on my ear, kiss each other, then kiss me. The redhaired woman makes out with my ear, her leg rubbing between my own. The blondie kisses my mouth, unbuttoning my dark blue shirt. Once her mouth slides from my jaw to my neck, I open my eyes, unfocused. But I spot her, Jude sitting on a stool, watching me. First I feel the urge to rid myself from these women, and crawl to her. However, her chestnut eyes curses me in place, as if demanding a spectacle.

It must be my imagination, though. Jude wouldn’t be seduced like this. Would she? What she is waking in me is quite real. Each touch I feel is not anymore from strangers, but hers. Moans escape me easily. I am looking right at Jude’s full lips across the room, feeling them pressed on my chest, or her hot breath on my neck. The redhaired woman giggles as she senses me yearning for more with my reactions. Jude blinks slowly, blotchy rosy cheeks, her chest is heaving. Is my mind playing tricks on me? I cannot discern. I only know that Jude looking aroused by what she sees makes me want to do anything to entertain her.

A hand is pressed on my hardness inside my jeans, and I shudder a groan. Jude is even more flushed, and I can think it is her hand pleasing me, I can think it is her mouth nipping mine. Even as she turns away, looking at the billiard game at the other corner of the room. I want to go there, I want to tell Jude that I only want her. Then Fand comes into the room, kissing Jude’s cheek, just to pass her and stand behind Jude. Fand glares at me before planting kisses on Jude’s neck. I wanted to be the cause of her smirk, the reason she bites her bottom lip and arches her back. Fand’s hands roam through places I had the chance to feel only in two scarce moments. I see Jude’s lips parting, as Fand’s hands grope her breasts underneath her glittering red tank top. Although I can’t hear it, seeing it is enough to know that Jude is moaning, and a groan leaves my throat.

Fand kisses Jude’s ear, while Jude tilts her head, allowing Fand an easy access. I kiss the closest mouth to mine, thinking it is hers, squeezing a full ass that is not exactly the shape that I want, but it works anyways. A mouth goes down on me, covering all of my length, making me jerk and swear, heat spreading through my body. I want Jude. She is right there, feeling pleasure, her back against Fand’s chest. They are kissing, and Fand’s hands goes down. I imagine how my hand would feel, strolling Jude's curves like that. Unconsciously, I start bucking up my hips. It is not enough, even meeting the back of this woman’s throat. I want more, I want Jude.

Fand’s hand finds its way inside Jude’s jeans to her femininity, and the thought of how it would feel to touch Jude there steals a loud grunt from me, pleasing the women with me. How soft would Jude be, how wet... _Oh, I want to fuck_. I barely can see Jude’s angry face, as she leaves the room and Fand follows her. My mind is too hazy to change the flow of thoughts about sex to wonder why Jude is angry. I lay on the couch taking a condom from my wallet. The blondie sits on me right after, taking my member inside her. I hurry to undress the redhaired woman from her panties, then she sits on my face and lets me work on the apex of her thigh.


	26. Who is in love?

[Locke’s POV]

Who would say that I would miss Valerian? I wouldn’t, nevertheless, I do. Those poor jokes, the bragging, his laughter, I miss it all. That is life, I suppose, Mother Nature acting to cease the weak, so he wouldn’t reproduce. It got quieter. Now we have to learn living in this silence. Cardan is doing well, The Court of Shadows is a good thing for his life, even if I don’t like them. After I decided to tell Nicasia that I didn’t want to kiss her anymore, I had my own share of cold water, with Taryn’s rejection. My beautiful smart puppet chose to live free from my games, and it bores me. So I have to take any opportunity of manipulation to distract me, such as make Fand kiss Jude in front of Cardan. I watch them satisfied for a moment, wondering how Cardan wishes to hide from me that he likes Jude, yet he is desperate to have her, but he just won’t try to take the initiative, self pitying about his past.

I have a better play going on. Summer vacation was a time for reflections and schemes. I am an intern at the Greenbriar Industries having a half-part time job, Balekin is my supervisor. With access and so close to this putrid family, I can learn the useful information and destroy them from the inside. My infant self inside me is proud, so close to have Eldred suffering and with uncle Zephyr away from my money. The headquarters of the Greenbriar Industries is a modern building with sixteen floors, right in the middle of Elfhame. Aside the owner being as despicable as he is, the people working here are quite happy with their jobs, but in every kind of place, it is always possible to find bad employers.

Of course it is a slow process to find out what can be useful for me, I have to be discrete, make the right connections, impress the right people until they trust me enough to tell me the most valuable gossips. There is a story about someone acting on embezzlement of money, but that doesn’t concern me. I’d rather let them, giving a bit of trouble to the CEO if it ever get caught. Balekin asks about Jude and Cardan frequently. Feigning innocence, I suggest Balekin to offer jobs at the System Development Department for TFOTA University students, as a partnership. He accepts my idea, and once it is out, I let it slip in a conversation with Jude and Madoc, during one of Eldred’s parties. Let us see if Cardan can get any more possessive with a woman that is not his, because Balekin is quite happy that Madoc is insisting on Jude to take the opportunity. Dain would be her supervisor, but once inside the Greenbriar Industries, Balekin could find any excuse to approach Jude, and I am willing to help.

“I have to excuse myself”, Madoc leaves us, typing on his cellphone.

Jude is wearing another beautiful work from Oriana; the dress goes from light grey on her bodice to charcoal by the end of her skirt, with scarce glittering beds on her waist to a lot more as through the length of the skirt. She is beautiful, of course, but it is easier to discern a twin from the other when they are wearing dresses that exposes more of their bodies. One looks like the fighter she is, and can be intimidating, while the other is extremely delicate. My taste is quite obvious, even if Taryn has more curves than most delicate girls I enjoy having a time together, she has just the rightness about her. Sadly, Taryn is avoiding me. Jude starts looking around, somewhere to escape, but before she manages an excuse, Balekin maintain the conversation.

“It is a good information to have in your curriculum, right Jude? Working with a famous industry” He is the older version of Cardan, if Cardan were serious and not emotional. Balekin’s hair is behaved, he is taller, but not much more than me. He wears a black tuxedo that favors his muscles and a perfume that has a touch of cinnamon.

“Indeed. Lets see if I can go through the selection process” she answers averting her eyes.

“Don’t be modest, Jude” I tell her, and it is amusing how she glares me.

“And since we already know each other, we could take the chance to be friends” Balekin smirks at Jude’s appalled expression, and takes a sip from his champagne. “Unless you have to ask permission to Cardan”

“Why would I need that?” Jude wrinkles her nose.

“Are you not his toy?” Balekin is looking at her as Cardan used to, back in middle school. The Duarte girl impressing another Greenbriar, why, I am not surprised.

“Could you please refrain yourself from insulting the woman, brother?” Dain approaches us. “Besides being Madoc’s ward, Jude will soon join us at work, and I don’t want to hear about charges of harassment. I am sorry for my brother, Jude, it won’t happen again”

Jude looks confused at Dain, but nods. While Cardan and Balekin would always wear a cold air around them, Dain always looked charismatic, more pleasant to people, and that is what stands out as a difference between the brothers, more so than Dain’s blond hair and broad shoulders, as if he were a football player.

“Don’t worry, Balekin. Cardan and Jude are only friends”, I say, just to keep the fire burning.

“The brat doesn’t have the guts to tell a woman he is in love” Balekin scoffs.

“Is it true, Locke?” Dain asks me. “Is Cardan in love with the young lady? If it is true, I am terribly sorry, Jude. Cardan can be... rather inconvenient. If he bothers you too much, feel free to communicate us. The family knows how to handle the moody child”

“Cardan didn’t tell me about it, Dain”, I answer him, and I cannot read Jude’s face. Then I take a glimpse of someone approaching, and I my grin is genuine. “But we can find out, we just have to ask him” I nod to his direction.

With Balekin, Dain and Jude turning to see Cardan, he stops approaching half way through, pulling his brows together.

“We are just friends” Jude hurries to say. “Thank you for your concern, Dain. Now, excuse me. I am leaving this conspiratorial group”

Jude meets Cardan before he is too close to receive poison from his brothers, and linking her right arm on his left, Jude takes Cardan away. I wonder if she likes him as well. Jude is harder to read in this aspect, but easy to predict about everything else, that is why it is so easy to torment her.

\--

Dain asked me to take care of the ten students that were accepted at the selection process, and are now my co-workers, Jude Duarte included. At least, he wants me to do so for a month, to show all the building, let them know who is under who, the communication between departments and such. Happy to oblige, I take each opportunity of making Jude and Balekin meet happen, and my boss appreciates my tactics. It amuses me how Cardan became more grumpy when we meet at the university or at parties, but my humor is cut by the root after only fifteen days working with Jude.

It is a day of less work, and I am taken by surprise to meet Jude having lunch alone by the restaurant across the road of our work. She narrows her eyes as I sit with her and order a light meal.

“Did you see about the interchange that is going to happen next semester?” I ask her.

“Yes, another partnership between the Greenbriar Industries and TFOTA University. Are you going to apply?” she finishes her meal, and politely stays sitting with me while I eat. I can almost like her. Not in love, but like her as a nice person.

“I am! It looks like a promising experience. What about you?”

“Yes, I will try it” Jude shrugs.

“You don’t look in high spirits. Problems in Paradise? I heard your girl had another fight with Cardan last week, he even slept at my place!”

Jude appraises me. She doesn’t like me, I know. I suspect that Taryn has not talked good about me either.

“Locke, what is your problem with me? You are not like V-” she struggles. “You are not like your other friend that enjoyed to make me suffer, even after we all became university students”

“Valerian”, I say angrily, and she flinches. I heard about what he tried to do to her, so I know why she struggles. Even then, I don’t like Jude talking about Valerian. I sigh. “True, I don’t have a problem with you like Valerian did. It is just... You, you know? You keep appearing, and it is tiresome”

“I don’t get what you mean” Jude shakes her head. “I have a theory, and with you pushing me to Balekin so bluntly, my theory is stronger now in my guts”

“Of course the know-it-all would have a theory”, I mock her, and a shadow crosses her face at what I call her. Like a trauma coming forth, but she swallows it back. “Tell me, I am curious about your creativity”

Jude leans forward, her serious eyes making mine hostage.

“You love Cardan” she says. I blink, confused. “But for some reason, you don’t want to love him. Does it have to do with his family? Well, I don’t care about it. Although, it would be interesting to know”. As I stay quiet, Jude thinks it is an encouragement for her to tell me more about her theory. “I started thinking about it during high school. I bet Cardan didn’t realize, but you would have sex or kiss everyone he ever did so, then you started to go after those who weren’t only after Cardan for status or his body, like Nicasia. You made her fall for you, taking her from Cardan. You made a lot of girls and boys fall for you before they got the chance to tell Cardan. I remember how our classmates would talk... And now you think Cardan could be in love with me, but you know you can’t seduce me, so you are pushing me to Balekin either to toss me aside or to play with Cardan’s heart. You want Cardan alone, and you love him. What a terrible way to love!”

Speechless. This is how Jude leaves me. And there is no mockery or sign of victory on her face, she was just telling me her thoughts with sincerity. The mistake about isolating and neglecting someone, is that they have the power of invisibility. Jude could approach and hear things from our classmates, no one would notice her there. She could observe and watch us, because no one was there with her to distract her from the world around. I don’t know if I hate her, or if I admire her.


	27. Pictures

[Jude’s POV]

After that party when Fand tried to have her hand inside my jeans, in a room with a lot of people because she wanted to annoy Cardan, I was so mad at her that it took several days for me to talk to her again. One thing is to kiss and have a taste of each other’s body, another one is to make a sex show to entertain others, like Cardan was doing. I am not like him. It looked like he was doing that for me, but even if it was the case, even if I felt attracted by his eyes and wanted to take him from those women to have him for myself, I would never be the one to make the spectacle. Fand was so focused on Cardan, that she forgot that we have an open relationship and I like to meet other people, as I did last night. It is Saturday, 8 am, and we are having a huge fight.

Fand has been screaming at me for half an hour in the living room of the Court of Shadows. Everyone else have gone to their family homes, Garret had Taryn with him to introduce her as his girlfriend. I envy their love. As for Cardan, he is almost never at home on weekends, with his friends or on another’s bed. Fand has been telling me that I don’t appreciate anything she does to me, that I am not the one she thought I was.

“Of course I am not the illusion you created!” I say, angry. “You fell in love for someone that is not me, Fand. Jude Duarte is not a quiet, well-behaved girl, that needs protection! If you wanted a princess, you should’ve have fallen for Taryn. Perhaps that is the thing, you thought I was her, and when you saw it, you were already stuck with me!”

A sting burns my cheek once she slaps me, her eyes watering with fury.

“Don’t you tell me that I chose the wrong sister, Jude! I know you are not a saint, that you like to fight in the ring and have sex. But I thought you had a heart”

“Such a low blow, Fand” I snarl lowly. “I told you from the beginning that I can’t love. You created a fantasy where you could save me from myself, where I was a nice person, when I am not”

“You can be a nice person, you can fall in love, you are just too stubborn! Fuck Jude, why are you being like this?” Fand tries to touch my arm, but I step back.

She can’t accept that I am not what she thinks I am. It is tiring.

“Let’s put an end to this, shall we? You can find someone else to truly love, to protect, and forget about me” even for me, my words are too cold. My heart is thundering painfully, out of loneliness, heavy. Tired, tired. “Leave”.

Her sad eyes hurt me, but since I don’t try anything anymore, since I am not going back on my words, Fand leaves me. I keep standing here, as if I could grow roots. Fand was the nicest one to me, and yet, her glittering eyes expecting more would repulse me. I hope she can find someone that will love her and make her happy. It is tiresome, it really is, this pain in my chest, being a disappointment. Why can’t I get a hold of myself before hurting people? Why do I have to make them believe that I am good? It doesn’t matter that it is still 10 am, I grab a beer, and turn on the radio with my rock playlist at maximum volume.

Drinking, dancing, singing and having a few sobs at some parts of the lyrics, feeling sorry for myself. I spin, and meet Cardan looking at me curiously. Why did he have to come back today? Now I have to go back to my room and use earphones to not bother him. Turning off the music, I sigh.

“Sorry, I will be quiet”, I tell him.

“Don’t” Cardan gives me a sympathetic smile. “What happened?”

“I just broke up with Fand”, my voice crackles.

Cardan nods, and says “Let the music on, and come help me with lunch!”

Shrugging, I do as he says. Cardan starts drinking too. We prepare snacks, such as tuna pate and olive pate, with bread. He is not making me talk, and I feel relieved. After eating, then cleaning the dishes, Cardan joins me in the living room with a beer in hand. We go from Alice in Chains, to Bon Jovi; from Slipknot to Oasis. Singing along, or even screaming at some points. Whenever I start sobbing, Cardan waltz with me slowly. We decide to play video game and ask pizza for dinner, lowering the volume of the music to stop bothering the neighbors.

I wonder why do I feel safe with him, how can I trust Cardan, and how it feels like my heart is heavy, but he is helping me hold it. People are probably wrong about him having feelings for me. Cardan flirts with me, and we could clearly have sex with each other, but that is all to it. It is not possible, and if he does think otherwise, he is just like Fand and those who created an image about me, and I will just hurt him all the same. We drank too much, and now we have these ideas, like trying each other’s clothes and mimicking how the other acts. Cardan wears a dress that Taryn chose for me; it is red and it is so tight on his body, that it marks the bulk between his legs and I can’t help laughing at the sight.

\--

The whole world is spinning, my head is going to explode, but before it happens, I run to the washroom so I can throw up. Flashes of yesterday are bright in my mind. I remember Cardan lap dancing me, then we found funny to draw on each other’s skin. He made me a mustache, doodles on my arms and, oh my God, I am wearing only my bra and _his_ sweatpants. Facing the mirror, I can see more drawings on my stomach and his name written on each breast just above my bra. There is vomit in my hair and I return to my room to find that I threw up on my bed. Fuuuuuuck.

I start cleaning the room, then I take a shower and throw up again. While descending the stairs, I find pictures of us doing ugly faces hanging on the all, and a flash of Cardan laughing while printing these pictures makes my head throb. Oh my God, what else have we done? The house is a mess, full with these adventurous pictures. I let my bed sheets in the washing machine, and go find Cardan in his room, lying naked on his bed. His ass is turned up to the ceiling, at each cheek it is written my name, and I remember writing it. I don’t know if I laugh at it, or feel embarrassed. Suddenly a thought strikes me: our roommates are going to return today by 8 pm, and it is already 2 pm.

“Cardan!” I shake him and he mumbles something incoherent. “Cardan, you have to help me clean the house. Wake up!”

“Jude, I won’t have sex with you like this!” he mumbles again, merging one word onto the other.

“CARDAN!”

“Fuck!” he jumps, startled.

“Good, you are awake. Now go take a shower, and help me clean the house!”

I find several curious pictures as I start cleaning, some at intriguing places. There is a picture of Cardan naked in the fridge; a picture of me beside his ass, pointing to my name; one of me drinking beer; one of us looking at the camera with our tongues stretched out, touching the tips... Cardan gives me a medicine so we both can stop retching, and once we finish cleaning the house, we sit together on the couch leaning against each other, tired. He takes his phone out of his pocket, and starts laughing.

“Have you looked into your phone yet, Duarte?” Cardan asks.

“No, what is it?”

And he shows me that we kept sending each other bizarre pictures. There is one of me showing my boobs, but I am too anesthetized to feel shame.

“Just tell me we didn’t have sex” I ask.

“We didn’t”, he blocks his phone and leave it on his side. I close my eyes, still with the headache. “But you tried”

“I don’t remember trying” I want to sleep again. So I rise, just to throw myself sprawled on the other couch.

“You crawled over me on this couch, kissed me, and told me you were good”

My brow quirks.

“And you refused my sinful body, Greenbriar?”

Cardan laughs, and says “My, of course I refused. You could not corrupt me!” It makes me laugh. “I have a consciousness, I knew you would regret it”

We stay in silence long enough, allowing me to doze off. When I wake again, is to the sound of Liliver arriving. She tells us about her family weekend, and gives us more water for the hangover. Van comes in not longer after, with bags of food that he is glad to share with everyone over dinner. Although I can’t eat much, afraid that I will retch again. Garret comes later, he left Taryn at her fraternity first. He had to clean the whole house by himself after being so loud with my twin during sex, but he was not bothered by it. Garret had a plan of taking things slowly, going on dates, but Taryn hurried and I am happy that they are together now.

“CARDAN!” Garret yells from his bedroom, and I shrink with my headache. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOU NAKED HERE IN MY ROOM?”

Cardan breaks into a loud laughter.


	28. The girl who likes to play

[Taryn’s POV]

My old bedroom at Madoc’s house still the same from my naive teenage years, with lots of teddy bears and dolls, but also with a few posters of characters that I used to love, such as Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, my fever about Twilight. Very much different from my actual room back at the fraternity, a small one, single bed, a desk and a wardrobe beside my full body length mirror. No dolls, but a stuffed bear lays on my bed. Garret gave me. Thinking of him makes me sigh.

“Someone is in love!” Vivi whistles.

She is sitting on the floor, leaning her back against my old bed. Jude is chuckling, laying on the rug right beside Vivi, whilst I am sitting in front of them, with my back against the wardrobe, and Oak is lying on the bed.

“When are you bringing him here, so I can evaluate the guy?” Oak asks.

“I want to be more secure about it” I tell him. “Let a few months pass. But I am sure you are going to like him, since he is more like Jude than like me”

“Oh, here comes Taryn’s jealousy!” Jude sneers. “Oak, tell your sister you love her just the same!”

“I love the three of you, no need to fight over me” Oak says arrogantly.

“Don’t encourage his arrogance, Jude. The kid will be spoiled!” Vivi censures.

“I am not a kid!” Oak complains.

“Yes, yes” Vivi laughs, “you are a tree, I forgot”

“VIVI!” Oak throws a pillow at her.

“Stop, the two of you!” I demand. Oak glares at Vivi, but obeys me “And you, Oak, are you in love?”

“Oh my God, Taryn, he is a kid!” Vivi says, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, Taryn, let him be a... young teenager!” Jude says. “Oak, please wait until you are fifteen to start falling in love!”

“I had my first crush when I was nine” I shrug.

“you were a precocious one” Jude scoffs.

“Well...” Oak says, rolling on the bed to face the ceiling. “I don’t feel the need to kiss anyone, so you guys don’t have to worry, for now”

“ _For now_ ”, Vivi mutters with a grimace.

“Jude has also never loved” Oak points out. “Not that I know”

“Oh, but that doesn’t restrain Jude from kissing” I tell him, and Oak chuckles.

“But I had my first kiss in high school, Oak. Older than you, you see. So please stay young” Jude winks at him.

“You never told me who it was!” I complain.

“Not telling you now” Jude croons.

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know it either” Vivi shrugs.

I hate it when Jude keeps secrets from me. Why can she tell me the boring part of her life, and leave aside the exciting ones? I know I don’t tell her everything, but that is because Jude was always more innocent in the department of kissing. Vivi though, she knows a lot of things that I have done. For instance, I told Vivi about my first time while I never told Jude.

\--

I am sitting in the Court of Shadow’s living room waiting for Garret to come back from his training, Cardan keeps me company. He is not that villain that scares me anymore, far from it. Ever since Cardan helped me with Locke all those years ago, we started talking occasionally, and now we are strangely close. Most of all we talk about Jude. Until our first year as university students, I could swear they hated each other. Now, however, I am pretty sure Cardan likes Jude. But I don’t want to help him with this one, not more than he asks, because I still resent what he has done to her.

“There is a girl from my fraternity that is into you” I tell Cardan, and look for her photo in my cellphone to show him. “Melany, she is also in Fine Arts”

Cardan appraises the picture of my blond and slim friend.

“Sure, send me her info and I will talk to her”, he winks at me, and leans back on the couch. “Have you talked to Garret yet?”

“You should forget about the things I told you while I was drunk” I rub my eyes as if I could take my embarrassment away by doing so.

Last party we went together, all the members of the Court of Shadows and I, somehow I ended up telling Cardan that I was afraid of not being what Garret expects me to be. The first time I kissed my boyfriend, it was the same night I lost my virginity with Locke, and I kissed him out of a dare. Garret knew then that I wanted Locke and I was playing him, but we are in college now, he has no idea how wicked I am, how I like sex plays.

“Taryn dear, it is part of who you are” Cardan smiles sympathetically. “I am sure Garret will love it, rather than run from you. Try something with him, something more smooth, ask if he wants to play so you can show him what you mean. If you keep hiding this part of you, how are you going to be happy with him?”

“But if he runs, Cardan... It will hurt me like hell” my voice crackles and I give him an empty chuckle.

“Trust the man you fell for, Taryn”

“Fine... A light play, that is” I agree, convinced that is better to have Garret running from me now, than he learning about it in the future and the ache being too much to bear.

I discuss a few ideas with Cardan, until my boyfriend arrives with Van, they both sweating from the training. I am so proud of him, last time there was a contest at the gym, Garret won the male prize, while Jude won the female one. Madoc still brags about it. I wait in his room while my boyfriend have a shower, and once he is back, we talk about each other’s day. Garret makes me feel important, as if he is interested in what I am telling him, more than he is when anyone is talking to him. It is like he is trying to make me sure that I am not just a friend, but the one he loves. I never thought I could live the fairy tale of someone loving me this sweetly. I can’t continue this without letting Garret know about my kinky side.

So I explain to him. At the beginning, one word merges with the other, as I am afraid of telling him and making him disgusted. The light on his eyes changes, his brows dances with surprise and intrigue, and once I am finished, Garret’s face is unreadable.

“If you don’t find it repulsing, we could try something light, so you can see what I am talking about. Or you can just tell me it is disgusting, that you could never expect me being like this...” my voice dies at the possibility.

Garret sits closer to me on his bed, cupping my cheek with his hand and smiles.

“I want to know everything about you, Taryn. Thank you for telling me! And hell, of course I want to do anything sexual with you, I am yours, my lady!”

My grin hurts my cheeks. Happiness can’t be contained, each kiss I give him is not enough. Garret lets me lay over him, deepening our kisses. Passionate hands strolling my skin.

“Are you willing to something for me now?” my voice low on his neck.

“Command me” his hoarse answer heats my belly.

“You are restrained from having sex for two weeks starting now, and cannot use your helping hand during the same period” I meet his eyes before kissing him again, sliding my mouth to his ear. “If you promise me you can do it, I shall reward you. It will involve my mouth and your cock”, I push my tongue inside his ear, feeling Garret grip my ass, shuddering an arousing groan.

“Can we have sex now?”

“If you accept it, then no, we can not” I pull back a little to look at him.

Garret is pressing his lids tight, biting his bottom lip, pondering what I am asking of him. Did he not like it? He will probably force himself to do it for me, because he is nice, but I am uncertain if Garret will actually enjoy the play. He nods, and open his eyes.

“But now you ought to excuse me, because I am going for a cold shower” He kindly moves me off of him, then leaves.

If I have to bear Cardan being blatantly arrogant, so be it. He was right telling me to trust on Garret’s love, because my boyfriend is ardently enjoying our play. Garret handled the first week with no hassle, then on the weekend Cardan bought popsicle for all of us, which drove Garret insane at each lick I gave my iced sweet. The reward is being well served at the end of our deal, my lover so sensitive to my touch as the two of us are sated.


	29. The wrong bed to sleep on

[Cardan’s POV]

A journalist has one’s tricks to pursue the truth. Linking threads, observing skills and have good sources of information, but the Roach has more to him than that. Frequently I catch sight of him playing tricks on the Bomb and the Queen, and I have been to his bedroom that looks like that of a detective. Curiosity makes me question him about his work, and the Roach starts telling me about his adventures, spying on people to find the dirty about them. He is so good, that he is taking part-time job in the famous magazine ‘ _What is hot’_ , although he complains about it, because Roach prefers political issues. Interested on his tricks, I ask him to teach me something.

“If you are doing this with Jude, swear to me that you won’t involve me in the fight” his green glassed eyes reading my mind.

“Of course not, it is our little secret!” I wink at him as I take my car keys, making him chuckle.

Without the Forevermore, my money decreased significantly even taking more shifts at the coffee shop. Recurring back to music, on Wednesday and Friday nights, I play my electric piano in a calm bar, called _The Maze_. It was Locke’s recommendation, he is partner with the owner. Pride swallowed to have my friend as my boss, I play and sing for those who look for a more cozy and quiet place for the night, different from the Milkwood’s bar, where university students are eager to rock their bodies. Amusement could describe how I feel about Locke working part-time at the Greenbriar Industries, while having so much money and having a partnership to own The Maze. However, he doesn’t question me about abandoning the bright future that my surname could provide me, throwing myself at three different sources of money to follow my dream path of being a writer, so I am not the one to question his decision either.

I leave my car at home and walk to the fraternity’s party three blocks from the Court of Shadows. The loud music receives me once I turn the corner, contaminating me with good humor. Known faces greet me as I wound my way further in the house, a beer ready in my hand. Not even after ten minutes at this party, someone is already kissing me, but I pull back, willing to have more friendly fun before finding an attractive mouth to devour. Beer after beer, I dance with Taryn and Garret, then I help Roach with a shy girl. Perhaps he wasn’t interested in her, as he hesitates, but he doesn’t pull back once the girl kisses him. Vivienne and Heather dance with me while tormenting me about Jude.

“I still have not seen her today, so can you please stop teasing me?” I ask, and they laugh together.

“Oh, it looks like you won’t be troubling her tonight” Heather nods her head and I follow the direction.

My insides twist, like it does every time I see Jude in someone else’s embrace. I don’t know this long-haired man, whose hand is tasting Jude’s curves. The grimace is inevitable, but I manage to recover before turning back to Vivi and Heather. We dance and talk a while more, then I spot Nicasia and I join her. Seething, watching the short movie about Jude in that man’s arms play in my mind, the night starts being foggy. Blur images of people and muffled sounds of their laughter as I am compromised with alcohol. I dance with strangers, and kiss people. At some point, I am back at the Court of Shadows, kissing Liliver along the way to her bedroom.

The wrongness of it tastes like sand, but if she is willing to have me, I am not going to back down. We carelessly lay on her bed, Liliver easily taking our clothes off as I keep my mouth pleasing her skin. Touches become less feverish, hands less curious, kisses more dry. The outburst laughter takes me from her top, so I lay beside Liliver.

“This just won’t work” Liliver concludes, still laughing. “Let me face it, I have a hot guy on top of me, but I just don’t feel like it”

“Most appreciate your flatering, young lady. You are a hot one, yourself! And yet, I also find myself incapable of having sex with you”

“Doomed through friendship and beer” Liliver sighs.

“I feel like you are not talking only about me, explosive one. Care to tell me about your sadness?” I turn to look at the ceiling.

Liliver’s bedroom is colorful, shelves filled with books and a few action figures, all tidy up. The mattress is big and soft, proper for sex, useless to me now.

“I like Van, but he only sees me as a friend, the same way he sees Garret” she confesses.

Guilty consumes my guts for helping Roach with another girl tonight. “I am sorry”

“It is not your fault, naked man. Van has his tastes for a woman that I don’t seem to fit, that is all” I feel her turning to look at me, and I meet her eyes. “What about you? Do you really like Jude just as a friend? Some times, I wonder. Van is more perceptive, but he also has his doubts”

“Some times, I wonder about it too” I whisper, then close my eyes, tired.

When I open my eyes again, it is already Saturday morning. Tired still, with a long yawn, I leave the Bomb’s room, closing the door as silent as possible. Jude stands in front of me, agape, making me conscious of my t-shirt and my shoes in my hands, whilst I wear an unbuttoned jeans.

“We didn’t have sex” I blurt out, angst filling my lungs.

“You don’t have to explain yourself” Jude steps back, then remembers she was going to her bedroom.

“But I want to... It was-”

“Seriously, Cardan. Keep it. Listening to it would be like listening to Garret talking about Taryn, you know the kind of gross?” She pulls her brows together. “But I am sure you could talk about it with Garret. Although, I suspect Van will be quite mad at you, because you know, he likes her” the last part was a whisper, combined with a nod towards the Bomb’s door.

“I am telling you that we didn’t!” I complain, trying to keep my voice low, to not wake anyone.

“Fine” Jude crosses her arms over her chest. “You didn’t have sex. However, from the looks of it, you tried. It is already reason enough to hurt him”

Him? Yes, I can worry about Roach, but what distresses me is not him!

“What of you?”

“What of me?” Jude repeats, her chestnut eyes enervating me.

I inhale deeply, trying to keep calm. “I was drunk, it meant nothing... Liliver and I were just frustrated, and when we started undressing, it became empty. We fell on our sides laughing at each other”

An agonizing silence as Jude processes what I tell her, and I can’t read anything on her face. Is it disbelief? Repulse? She knows about my sex life, it is not a secret from anyone, but being Liliver, Jude’s friend and our roommate, I feel obliged to explain. Is it odd? Is it one-sided as many of my feelings towards Jude?

“Try to explain that to him, and bribe him with food. Better yet, make it a beer” she nods.

 _Fuck!_ She thinks I am trying to have her help to tell Roach the story. Scratching the nape of my neck violently, I give up, saying: “Sure, thank you for the tip!”

\--

The numbness on my tongue as if I am going to pass out is another symptom of how extreme my anxiety has become, along with the taste of bile. I sent a text to the Roach and have been wainting hours for him to wake up and call me or come to my room so we can talk. I wonder how the oblivious Jude Duarte knows about the Roach being in love with Liliver, a fact that everyone misses, while she has no idea about how I feel towards her, a fact that a lot of people seem to realize easily. Perhaps she knows. This peculiar thought makes me start hyperventilating. Jude knows, and feels nothing of the like about me, but she is kind and is trying to live as my friend, that must be it. My phone rings, a text.

_The Roach: I am up, what is the matter?_

_Naked man: Come here for a moment_

_The Roach: What do you want?_

_Naked man: Just come!_

After Roach enters my room, I try to breathe evenly. Additional to my acting skills and Roach’s sleepy face, even if he is the perceptive one, he doesn’t see my panic.

“I am sorry about arranging a girl for you at the party, I didn’t think you wanted the Bomb” the words are quick, as I want to finish it soon. The Roach narrows his eyes.

“Why do you think _now_ that I want the Bomb?”

“Jude said she suspects it and if it is true, man, I am terribly sorry. I didn’t know!” I run my fingers through my hair, to meet the nape of my neck again. It must be reddened, from so much scratching. “I kissed Liliver last night, and... And we almost had sex, but we didn’t because we are not like that. She is an amazing woman, beautiful and cheerful, but I really like her as a friend, and that made us stop, since she also feels the same”

The Roach sets his jaw, a reaction that may prove Jude’s theory. The silence is long, suffocating, frightening me with my dark thoughts crawling my skin, as spiders were weaving their webs to have me for lunch.

“Say something” I plea.

“I don’t have the right to do anything against you, Cardan. It is not like you forced Liliver into anything... And as you said, you didn’t think I could have feelings for her” his soft voice was always a contrast to his dark appearance, now only accentuates my fear of hurting him.

“Punch me” I suggest. “Yeah, that will make the both of us feel better. We settle matters, and we can remain friends. Go on, give me a good one!”

“It is not a good idea” Roach croons.

“So I have to start? Fine by me”

I try to punch him, but The Roach easily dodges. Again and again, teasing him. If I were to meet a boy like him when I was a troublesome teenager, trying to really fight him, I am sure I would have an ugly loss. A single punch hits my rib cage and I fall to my knees, the reality of the pain remind me of something I know. The physical pain is my home, something I can deal with.

“You could have broken my rib” I tell him with a chuckle.

“I could” He laughs. “You are right, I do feel better now”

\--

Texting

_She: I haven’t seen you this whole week, and the Roach just told me you two had a fist fight the other day because of what happened with the Bomb. Are you alright?_

_Stupid devil: Yep._

_She: Why are you mad at me?_

_Stupid devil: I am not mad at you._

_She: Where is my ‘dear Jude’, ‘Duarte’, ‘my queen’? You are monosyllabic, therefore, clearly mad._

_Stupid devil: If you miss me so much, come down here to my room._

_She: Are you naked?_

_Stupid devil: Obviously._

_She: I will pass._

_Stupid devil: You didn’t deny you miss me :)_

_She: I am worried..._

_Stupid devil: About?_

_She: You let the Roach punch you as if you deserved a punishment, just like you did with your brother._

_Stupid devil: Go to sleep. Also, I hate you._

_She: Nothing new. Cardan, I am going back to therapy. Ever since I broke up with Fand things have been heavy. Can you please try it with me? Different sessions, of course. You can give me a ride, we wait for each other... Please?_

_She: Cardan?_

_She: I know you are still awake..._

_She: Really?_

Hurried steps cross my dark bedroom. The new weight on my bed makes me shrink even more, a kind hand pets my head.

“Why are you crying?” Jude asks me softly.

“Because you are right, I did take Roach’s punch as I did Balekin’s punishment. How could you know it? Fuck, I feel ashamed!”

“Shit! I am sorry...” Jude tries.

“It is not your fault, is it? Please, don’t start blaming yourself for my temperament”

“Are you going with me to therapy?”

“Fine, let’s try it” I sniffle.

Jude lays beside me, making me lean my head against her chest as she keeps petting me, until we fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the texting: the nicknames in the conversations depends on who are talking. When Cardan is talking to the Roach, his nick appears as 'Naked man' because that is how Roach wrote Cardan's nick on his phone, while Jude wrote 'Stupid Devil' on hers. This is the general idea of all the texting throughout this fic ;)   
> When I wrote the conversation with the POV's as 'Me', it was supposed to mean the POV doesn't know, doesn't care, about how the other person wrote his nick on their phone.


	30. You can feel sad sometimes

[Nicasia’s POV]

It is going to start the last month of my second year at The Folk of the Air University, as it is also Cardan’s and Locke’s. And Valerian’s, if my friend were not that stupid to use too much drugs and die because of it. The void he left is like a lonely cave; when the wind blows, there is even an echo of it’s nothingness, and it hurts. Soon it is going to be our summer vacation, the weather is already warm, as the excitement of another term’s end that goes through the university’s corridors. Locke was selected among his coworkers for an interchange, having to experience working across the sea, in Germany, in a Greenbriar Industries’ branch. He is going to leave tomorrow morning, and come back a couple of weeks before the next semester starts.

Cardan helps me close the last suitcase for Locke, and we throw ourselves onto the couch with a sigh. Locke comes a minute after, holding glasses of water for us, and I gladly accept it, watching him sitting on the couch in front of me.

“If you return empty handed, I am going to complain for months” I tell him. “You have to buy me a lot of gifts, do you hear me?”

“Of course, my princess” Locke chuckles. “And worry not, Cardan. Balekin is going to be there, but there are also another two women besides Jude. She will have someone to escape to”

Grimacing, Cardan rises, leaving his glass over the center table. He holds out his hand to Locke, and pulls him up, so they meet in an embrace.

“You better take care of yourself, Foxy! And send us texts every day!” Cardan says.

“Yes, mom” Locke snickers.

I hug them together. “I am going to miss you”

“I am going to miss you both” Locke answers.

It is hard to be apart, to fear for simple things as my mother would worry if it were me, because now I know how life can easily cease to exist. Although, I am truly happy for Locke. He could’ve have gone to Germany with his own money just to travel, but he earned the trip by his hard work. We bid our farewell, and Cardan gives me a ride home.

“What if Jude finds the love of her life there?” I ask him for the thousandth time. “You really are not telling her that you are in love, Cardan? It could be your last chance...”

“Why would I? Jude doesn’t like me like that, it will only bother her. Allow the woman to have fun, Nic. I have already had my share of making her life a hell” he parks in front of my house and turns to me. “Are you going to the Court of Shadow’s gathering next Friday? Do you want me to pick you up after my work?”

“Yeah, let’s see if they are so nice as you keep telling me” I sneer.

“Vivi and Heather are also going, you like them... It will be fun, you will see!”

Giving him a kiss on the cheek, I leave to my home.

“How is school, my princess?” My mother asks me as I enter the living room. “And how are you?”

She holds out her hand, sitting on the couch while in the other hand there is an _IPad_. I walk towards her and hold her waiting hand.

“The lessons are nice, mom. And... I don’t know? I am doing okay”

“I am glad you are moving on about your friend’s loss, you had me worried there, I thought you were going to be sick”

With a weak smile, I leave to my room. There is something lacking in my life, even though I have everything. Perhaps I am sick, perhaps I should go through therapy as Cardan is taking weekly sessions. I don’t know, I don’t know.

\--

The last time I have been to the Court of Shadows fraternity, it was the night Cardan suddenly called me, telling me that Valerian had tried to rape Jude Duarte, and then he died on drugs. Tonight, however, is a more pleasing night. There is music, video game rounds, drinks and a lot of easy chattering. Liliver is such a nice girl, making me feel comfortable as if we were already friends. Cardan looks happy with them, not forceful happy as he can be sometimes at parties, not looking for someone to have for the night, he is among friends.

“Are you also new around here?” asks me this man that came with Vivi and Heather.

He looks at least five years older than me, honey long hair in a high bun and beard, lean, just a little taller than me. He got me with these ocean eyes. Although, I may follow Cardan’s example and just have a night of fun with friends, no further intentions. I don’t want any hollow sex, just to feel loneliness. Friends. I can do it.

“Yeah, I’m Nicasia”, I hold out my hand to him, and he shakes it, chuckling.

“Nice to meet you, Nicasia. I’m Edward, but everyone calls me Ed. I am Vivi’s professor, I am teaching Principles of Evolution, and I am also her and Heather’s neighbor. What about you?”

“You look too young to be a professor. I am in the Music Department, all my professors are at least in their forties!”

“It is only my second year teaching, and if you are curious about my age, I am twenty eight” he smiles shyly.

An innocent smile, that makes me want to tease him, and see more sides of him. I keep remembering myself of my plan about having a new friend, the night is not about having anything else from Ed. Even if he is making me laugh, Ed is not trying anything else either. His wonderful eyes keep holding mine, never checking out my body, nonetheless, never looking bored. At some point Vivi joins us, then Garret. Am I allowed to have fun with other friends? Because for the first time ever since Locke stopped kissing me, I feel happy.

“I like your smile, gorgeous” Cardan tells me once he meets me taking another beer for myself in the kitchen.

“Thank you for inviting me” I click his long neck beer with mine in a toast before taking a sip of the drink. “You were right, these people are nice. I thought... I thought I couldn’t be happy in gatherings without Valerian, that I would be betraying him” I swallow my tears, not wanting to go to the dark path. “I have been living so empty lately, Cardan, that I thought I was sick”

“It is normal to feel sad, Nic” Cardan holds my hand, looking deeply into my eyes with a sympathetic smile. “Healthy people can feel sad once in a while. After a break up, after losing someone dear. You only have to worry if it starts causing problems to your daily life, as if it is unbearable... I am glad you liked these guys!”

Ed and Heather approach us, but Ed stops, his smile becoming awkward, his eyes on Cardan’s hand holding mine.

“Hold on man, we are not having a lovers’ moment” Cardan laughs and opens the fridge to fetch them beers, letting go of my hand.

“I just thought we would interrupt” Ed steps closer, and Heather smiles at him, then at me.

“Ed is shy”, she explains. “Such a soft hearted. I keep telling him, and he still allows Vivi to be late to his classes!”

“Vivi has convincing excuses!” Ed shrugs.

“Such as?” Cardan asks, a brow quirked.

Ed turns crimson, averting his eyes. “Last time she said she was so in love with Heather, that she just couldn’t leave the bed until Heather woke up on her own. I can’t blame her for loving”

“Oh my God” Cardan cups Ed’s cheek with a hand. “I think I have just fallen for you!”

“I-I...” Ed becomes even more red, from his to his neck, until underneath his shirt.

Heather slaps Cardan’s hand off of Ed’s face, while I am laughing at them. How can a man be this adorable?

“I am sorry Ed, Cardan flirts with everyone. You should teach him a bit about how to love someone, though” Heather snickers.

“Oh, Cardan. You told me about him” Ed starts calming down.

“What have you told him, lovely Heather?” Cardan narrows his eyes.

“About your crush on Jude” she shrugs. My eyes widen. “You didn’t know?”

“Everyone knows?” I ask, shocked.

“Well, I knew ever since I met him” Heather laughs at Cardan rolling his eyes. “But he became more obvious recently. I think that by now, even Jude knows!”

Cardan changes the subject, and after another beer, I feel tired of standing, so I find my way to the couch. Taryn sits beside me, drunk, yawning.

“Hey”, she says.

“Hey” I answer, feeling humorous about it.

We have never really talked as friends, and once Taryn started having more of Locke than me, I avoided Taryn. Jealous, envying her and also ashamed for feeling like this. I am glad that there is no resentment in my heart about it anymore, not about her, anyways.

“So... My next Project is a solo presentation” Taryn tells me. “A solo dancing, that is. But I wanted to make it brilliantly, get into people’s heart. And I was wondering if you could sing, while Cardan plays the piano and I dance. It would provide with credits for the University’s curriculum, about that credits we are obliged to take on extra activities, and the presentation is going to be held on the Insmoor Theather, with a lot of people watching. I am positive they will fall for your voice, Nicasia, and who knows, someone important might be listening and look for you for a contract?”

“You do know how to use arguments” I laugh.


	31. Explosion on the insides

[Van’s POV]

It is the middle of summer break, but since I am working for the ‘What is hot’ magazine, and I don’t really care about spending time at my parents’ home, I stay back at the fraternity with Cardan. He was not very pleased to have company, as he told me about his expectations of a good time naked all by himself. Although Cardan acts otherwise. Whenever he sees me, Cardan is eager to do something together, to learn a new trick, or even to lay about, watching some movie. Like a cat, arrogant thing, feigning not care for attention, but Cardan is desperate for it. It gets worse once he widens his grin reading a text, and I don’t have to ask to know it is from the Queen.

We are sitting across each other in the living room, my computer on my lap, while Cardan keeps giggling texting. I put my headphone on, and start listening to indie songs, reading my e-mail. Great, another request of a desperate soul, like a teenager after an idol. It was what, the hundredth? I hate this world. I hate my work.

“Why so grumpy, this time?” Cardan asks, and I lower the volume to look at him, so he repeats himself.

“Just another crazy request for me, about something to write”

“What is it about?”

He meets my eyes with a quirked brow. It still stings me that the Bomb tried to make out with him, but I can’t blame the woman, Cardan has the right looks. That is why there are so many people frantic about him. Now I am tempted to oblige.

“People want an interview with you, with a few photographs” I tell him.

“I can do that for you” then the mischievous smirk, “if you ask nicely”.

“I won’t beg...” the regret for bringing it up tastes bitter.

“Then suffer the ire of your readers” Cardan laughs.

Another e-mail pops on my screen, the same request. With a good roll of my eyes, I ask Cardan _please_ , and he accepts. Cardan even helps me organize the questions, and while I work more on them, he takes pictures of himself in front of his mirror, wearing different clothes, one of the sets he uses an open buttoned shirt, exposing his muscles, and the button of his jeans open, exposing his undergarments. The man could work as a model with a snap of fingers. Once he is back to the living room, he chooses which pictures send to the magazine, definitely the sexy one included, and answers the questions.

Most of those are curious gossip, such as age and his favorite color, but I also ask about his choice of course, his choice of life. Cardan tells me that he loves to experience different stories that allow his mind to be far from his own thoughts, and reading makes the magic. He also likes to write, and for that, he allows me to read a one-shot of his own, about a man watching the love of his life marrying another. The words are so deep and polished that it hurts, as if the pain was my own. My phone rings a text, and I am glad to have a distraction of this sudden sadness.

Lilis: I just finished _Kingdom Hearts_ , and nooooooo! Why did it end like this? You should have told me! Also, beware of Naked Man. He might think he is alone, then you suddenly walk into each other...

Van: It would be spoilers. Now that you have the knowledge, we shall discuss. Well, not right now, I am working. But you get my point. Also, Cardan is dressed right now. Don’t fantasize.

“You can talk to her, and work later”, Cardan says, hovering too close to me, nodding to the cellphone in my hands.

“Don’t you know ‘privacy’?”

“While you are at it, tell her that you love her, already. Please, you would be my favorite couple!” He joins his hands as a supplicant.

“Better than the Ghost and Taryn?” I ask in amusement.

“I like them together, but you and Liliver are much more sweeter and funnier. Do not tell Garret, though”

“Whatever”, I get back my attention to my work.

“Roach, look at me.” Cardan’s voice is serious, and I meet his dark eyes desperate to make me see what he sees. “You are both losing time, when you could be kissing and holding hands. Why can’t you tell her?”

“Why can’t you tell Jude?” I return, narrowing my eyes. “You love her”.

Briefly there is anguish in his face, but it is gone as he relaxes his shoulders.

“I didn’t want to. I thought it was enough to be her friend... But with Jude away, I feel so lonely, it is so much more worse than when she is around. I have to find strength in somewhere deep within me to not text her every hour. That is, when I am not trying to hold myself from calling her, just to hear her voice. Fuck, I am lost!” Cardan sighs, running his fingers through his hair, then scrapping the back of his neck.

“So...?”

His dark eyes imprison mine, as if Cardan is decided. I swallow, afraid of his resolution.

“Let’s make a deal. You tell Bomb you love her, and if you do it, I will tell Jude once she is back that I... That I love her”.

“Cardan, look at me!” I let my computer aside and rise, walking side to side. “I am hideous! How can the cute little Liliver feel more than friendship towards... This?” I point to all of me, heaving, staring at him.

“Do you like her only because she looks cute?” Cardan asks.

“Of course not! But it doesn’t count! I am grumpy, complain a lot, Liliver is cheerful...”

“And do you think Liliver is not capable of seeing the real you, and even so, love you back? Do you think Liliver doesn’t have a dark side of her own, isn’t insecure about something? She could pretty much have loved you all these years and have the same fears you have", Cardan holds my stare fiercely. "If you tell her, and even so she says she doesn’t love you back, you will get the weight out of your chest and drink with me and my sorrow”

It might be the thought of being the man in his story, watching Liliver marrying someone because I was never brave enough to tell her about my feelings. I am shaking, nervous and strangely happy.

“Fuck, I think you convinced me... I think... I am going to see her now”

“Let me drive you!” Cardan laughs excitedly.

As I watch his car making a turn by the end of the street, I take a deep breath and straighten my clothes. Does my dark ripped jeans, black casual shoes and buttoned shirt look appropriate? Definitely not. Should I turn back?

“Van?” Liliver is at her front door, bare feet, wearing a light flowery blue dress. She is so beautiful. “I saw you struggling with yourself from the window. Is everything alright?”

This is worse than how I usually feel before a match in the gym. My heart could escape my rib cage, beating so violently as it is. I step closer, conscious of my sweating hands.

“Liliver, I... I needed to see you” I meet her gaze. Big eyes, full lips, round cheeks, a cute nose. “I am in love with you”.

 _Shit_. I shouldn’t have done it. I feel my eyes watering, the rejection is at any moment. I am going to have Cardan allowing me beating him once I am back home. But that is what she does, explodes things. I feel my insides exploding once Liliver lips brush mine, I can even hear fireworks as she deepens the touch, pushing her tongue inside my mouth. My arms wrap her waist the same moment Liliver cups my cheeks with her hands. She pulls back slightly to answer me in words:

“Oh Van, I am in love with you, too!” and kisses me again.


	32. The cruel kiss

[Cardan’s POV]

“You need to come, right now Cardan!” Elowyn’s firm voice as always, only with an edge more urgent than normal.

“It must be serious if you need even me over there” I tell her on the phone while dressing my jeans.

“No time for your jokes. Are you on your way already?”

“Yes, dear sister. I am getting off of the house. I shall arrive in twenty minutes, more or less”

There are a few options for my family needing me with them at the Greenbriar Mansion, none of them is something that delights me. My fears start to worsen as I see reporters with their mics and cameras, crowding the mansion’s gates, making it hard for me to pass. Flashlights blind me once they spot me, annoying me. The Roach is so more subtle with his approaches when he wants to get some answers. But I can not blame the reporters, can I? It is their job to tell people about scandals and about politics.

I find my siblings and father in his study, with Balekin’s exception because of his business travel. A big room filled with wooden furniture and ornamental plants, they are all sitting on the black leather armchairs. Dain is wearing sunglasses, but I can still see a purple bruise around his right eye. Elowyn looks distressed sitting in front of Dain, her green hair made in a high bun, her golden glasses hanging on her chest as she presses her nose bridge between two fingers. Besides her, Rhyia has her hood from a TFOTA University’s sweater covering her eyes as she lays her head on the back of her seat, she must have been here for hours. They only called me after it has gotten really problematic, I suppose. Caelia is sitting closest to our father, she glances at me, holding no expression, then turn her eyes away. Figuring that this is going to be the last of fun, I take a glass of Bourbon for me, that rests on a side wooden bar, and join them sitting on an empty armchair the most close to the exit. My father's stern voice as he talks on his phone is the only conversation on. From the picture of my siblings, this phone call has been taking some time.

Since no one starts telling me what is going on, I take my phone and read the news while taking sips from the whiskey. It is everywhere: Dain’s affair with my father’s lover; how the three of them got into a fight in Dain’s bedroom, then the woman tried to leave and fell from the stairs. I rise just to refill my glass, this is more problematic than I expected. It all happened three days ago, I am surprised they could hide it so far. They started digging up all of my family past, even accusing my father of killing Locke’s mother because she knew about another murder he committed, and people are saying that I knew how awful my family was, that is why I tried to kill myself in High School. At that, they were not so wrong.

“We want both you and Rhyia out of the University this year” Elowyn tells me once my father end his phone call with clear dismay. “You can return to your delusion after things have calmed down, Cardan”

“Did Rhyia agree with you? It is her last year” I glance at her, but she looks sound asleep.

“It is not a matter of choice, brother” Elowyn glares me coldly. “Our father is going on trial and we have to secure the Greenbriar Industries. To do so, we must do everything to maintain our name strong. We cannot have rumors of your attempt to call for more attention going around. You don’t even have to go to meetings with our partnerships like Rhyia is going to do, you just have to be _invisible_ and _silent_ for once”

“You are asking the impossible of the moody child, Elowyn”, Dain sneers.

“Says the boy who likes to fuck his daddy’s women”, I answer.

“I miss Balekin at times”, Dain crosses his legs as if he is trying to appear in control. “He is the only one you ever obeyed. Perhaps you have a brother complex with him, kid”

“I am starting to wonder if it were not you, dear Dain, that pushed the woman downstairs, but since you are the favorite, father is taking the blame in your behalf” my words makes Dain’s lips twitch, and his annoyance pleases me. “Perhaps the woman was just not satisfied by you in bed, so depressive you must have been, each thrust making her more dry-”

“SHUT UP, CARDAN!” my father interrupts me, and I am back to my whiskey. “You’ve heard Elowyn’s demand, that was all. Go find a room to stay in this damn mansion until you are required again!”

\--

My phone rings with texts from the Court of Shadows, Nicasia and Locke, asking me if it was true, and telling me how awful the situation must be for me. I ignore them all for now, laying on the big king-size bed, numb. The cellphone rings again, but now it is a call, and I am surprised to see “ _She_ ” written in the screen.

“How are you?” Jude asks me, and I relish in her voice so clear through the phone.

“Drunk. You?”

“Sober. C’mon, tell me more! Balekin has been clearly mad these past few days, he must have heard of what happened as soon as it happened. Did you already know three days ago, or you just discovered with the press?” I wish she was here so I could sleep in her arms.

“Neither. They kindly called me earlier today, I arrived with the press at the mansion, and I am here until further orders. They want me to drop out from university, to avoid more scandals with my temper and sick mind. Rhyia as well, but I suppose it is to protect her from all the questionings”

“But you are not going to drop out, are you?”

“Do I have a choice?” It pleases me that Jude is angry with my family, that she wants me to have a happy life and do what I want, not what they want.

“Will they do something against you if you just leave and not care about their imposition?”

“My father is accused of murdering, more than one person” I remind her. “I am afraid, my queen, that they are capable of anything. How is Locke? I know you don’t talk to him as a close friend, but it is also about his mother...”

“He is in surprisingly good humor. Maybe you should call him” Jude sighs. “I am sorry you are going through this. If I can help with anything, just tell me”

“Tell me more about your experience over there. Have you learned talking German yet?”

And we talk for more than a hour, until I am so tired that I have to hung up and sleep.

\--

Locke was not upset about the news, but he didn’t talk much with me, he only wanted to make sure I was not losing my sanity discovering about the darkness of my family. It made me think that Locke might have known something about his mother’s death all along and he never told me. A heavy talk is needed between us, however, it will wait until Locke comes back. Each day I try to avoid my family, and drink a great variety of alcohol to easy my stay. I asked to quit the coffee shop, and madam Marrow understood my reasons.

I am starting to grow my anxiety, waiting for Jude’s return, planning how I am going to leave the mansion to meet her, building up the courage to let her know about my feelings. It is not about the promise I made Roach, but about the angst in my chest. I think Jude doesn’t like me the way I like her simply because she cannot believe my feelings. As if I am delusional, as if I think I fell for her for some wrong reason, and Jude won’t accept me like this. Still, the way her eyes turn to me, it is not only about friendship or lust. Jude must feel something, however, as my past self did, Jude does not want to feel love. This is why I need to tell her, because if I insist on it, we have a chance to love. And God, how I want to love her!

Anyhow, I have to remind myself that a monster is not allowed hope, love, or anything of the kind. Mostly, I deserve pain, and that is exactly what I receive through a phone call, a night before Jude returns.

“I am tired and drunk”, she tells me, and I can hear how tired she is in her voice. Not about being physically tired, but mentally. “And I am only telling you because I think that soon you will receive a photograph about what happened. It meant nothing, Cardan, please don’t be upset about it... At least not so much”

“Stop going around, I am getting annoyed”

“I kissed Balekin”

Of course. It took long enough. Of course Balekin would find a way to have the woman I love, regardless his own feelings, because I doubt Balekin has a heart.

“Cardan?” Jude’s voice crackles.

“I am glad you are having fun. And why should you worry about my feelings? You have no obligations, no deep bonds with me. Unless, of course, you know that I am in love with you. If it is so, you were quite cruel to kiss Balekin of all the people you could kiss, love. Isn’t it convenient that I won’t return to the university for at least one semester? Good bye, Jude. Have a safe trip back to your home tomorrow”

As Jude predicted, not long after, Balekin sends me a picture of their kiss. It doesn’t look forced, Jude’s hands are holding his head passionately, while Balekin’s hands are on her waist. The text says “You have good taste, brother. I would rate your toy about four stars”. I hate them, I hate Jude all over again. It hurts to breathe.


	33. It is about working hard to see it all burn down

[Locke’s POV]

It was not easy to learn about Dain’s activities with his father’s lover, I had to approach the right people, be invited to the good parties, and eavesdrop, until I heard the rumor. Then I started to follow Dain, I managed to have a copy of his agenda, and noted that some appointment had random holes. It was an absolutely fantastic feeling once I saw that it was true. I took pictures, and waited to be away, in my interchange. Only then I sent Eldred the pictures, with the information about Dain’s agenda. Dain usually had his activities with his ladies in his own room, at the Greenbriar Mansion. It must have given him an extra thrill to have his father’s lover under his roof.

I was starting to think that Eldred was not interested in this piece of information, when it all came out, his lover tragically falling down from the stairs after a fight. It gave me an idea, and I anonymously sent to the press information about my mother’s death. It was perfect. Eldred is going to spend the rest of his years in jail, while Dain had to pay a great amount of money to stay out, and also has to pay for the woman’s treatment. Sweet vengeance. Now Elowyn is the head of the Greenbriar Industries, struggling to keep their name, but I think they are just waiting for Balekin’s return so he can assume the position as the new CEO. There is only one person left that I would appreciate to scheme his fall. Balekin. I utterly despise the man for ruining Cardan’s life, and he must pay something for it. Alowing him to be the CEO is too much kindness, when I can ruin his happiness if I find the right chance.

As if the Universe is smiling at me, the opportunity presents itself soon enough. It is our last night in Germany, and we are having a gathering at Balekin’s suite master. It is a big apartment for a hotel room, with a bedroom, a balcony, a living room and small kitchen. We play drinking games with expensive drinks, since it is all paid by the Greenbriar Industries. Playing dares as we get drunk, and I hear Balekin asking Thomas, one of my coworkers from sales department, to take a picture of his next dare. Since Balekin was so interested in Jude, I have been waiting for an occasion where he would slip and do something to her that I could use against him, so perhaps this is the moment. Discretely, I prepare my cellphone camera to record. Jude rises from the couch, going to the kitchen for more drink, and Thomas goes after, telling her that he will help.

A minute passes, Balekin follows quietly, and as no one else is paying attention, I find my way to the balcony, where I can spy through the window, recording everything. Thomas is drinking, his phone ready in his hand, while Balekin hovers Jude, cornering her.

“I can do my challenge here, this way no one else has to see, and we have Thomas to testify” Balekin proposes with his silky voice. “It is quite simple, Jude. Kiss me like you would kiss Cardan”

“I can refuse that, you know that what you have been doing is sexual harassment, right? If I complained, in a fair society, you would be fired” Jude answers with a scoff. The anger makes Balekin’s brow twitch, and I have to hold back my laughter.

“Don’t be such a killjoy!” Balekin tries to recover his seductive tone. “What if I promise you something in return? Let us make a bargain, Jude. What would you want? A raise? A trip with everything paid?”

She narrows her eyes. I am surprised that Jude is pondering it, I have misjudged her. Jude stares Balekin fiercely.

“Don’t ever hurt him again”

My heart tightens. This is something more like the answer I could expect her to give. What bothers me is how Jude is conceding with a harassment in Cardan's favor, as if it would really protect him somehow. It might be because she is drunk and thinks of herself as being a good person by doing so, _oh saint Jude_. How she annoys me.

“That is too much of a price for a kiss, girl” Balekin laughs, but Jude’s stare doesn’t fail. Then he narrows his eyes. “If I am not pleased, there will be no deal”

Jude inhales deeply. Lifting her hand to cup Balekin’s cheek, she brings his face down never taking her eyes from his, until their lips meet and she finally closes her eyes. Again, my heart is not pleased. Seeing how gently Jude is kissing Balekin, knowing that it is Cardan that she would demonstrate such affection. It surprises me the grunt escaping Balekin’s throat, that he advances to kiss her more deeply. Then Jude pushes him, flushing, escaping to place herself beside Thomas.

“You had it” her voice is barely a whisper. “Stop harassing me, and stop hurting Cardan”

She leaves, and I put my phone in my pocket, to follow her. I meet Jude in the elevator, crying, rubbing her lips as if she could erase Balekin from her skin. She tries to hide her face once she sees me, and I help, hugging her so Jude’s face is against my chest.

“What are you doing?” Jude is stiff in my arms, the elevator starts descending.

“It is not nice to do something against your will”, I tell her. “I don’t like you, but I can empathized. I saw what happened”

“I am scared of him” Jude sobs. “Balekin is horrible... The things he did to Cardan, all his attempts of being alone with me... And Thomas with his obvious cellphone? I bet Balekin is going to send Cardan a picture of the kiss”

“So you know Cardan likes you” I can’t avoid the anger in my voice. And jealousy.

Of all people Cardan could fall in love with, it had to be Jude Duarte. The one loved by her family, the one proud of her studies, the one who tried hard. It had to be her who I envy.

“I know that he thinks he is in love with me” Jude pulls away from my embrace, rubbing her face to rid of her tears. “But he forgets that he is not the only broken one”

Jude meets my eyes with her reddened ones, and I can’t read her. The elevator stops, and with a last nod, she leaves me alone with my thoughts. What was the meaning of that? Jude Duarte broken? Never. However, this was the first time she has shown me weakness, crying in my arms as a normal woman. So she can be broken too. I wonder about Jude’s thoughts, what could she be thinking to hurt her like this.

In my hotel room I start editing the record I made, of the kiss and Jude’s talk in the elevator. I make it separated archives, sending only the kiss to Elowyn’s e-mail. My name makes more credibility with impact on this one, because she must be trying to avoid scandals, and since my mother’s death was already one of the scandals, Elowyn would try her best to avoid problems with me. I am in such a good humor, feeling so kind, that I send both footage to Cardan. Now he knows why Jude kissed Balekin, and instead of feeling angry with her, he might want to comfort her. There, a good action. I am not behind Jude, making sacrifices for Cardan. 

Texting

_Locke: I have already sent Elowyn the first video, so she will fire Balekin or something._

_Cardan: You know I am mad at you that you manipulated them to this point, don’t you?_

_Locke: Be glad that I am making Balekin’s life less joyous. I hated him for hurting you, Cardan._

_Cardan: You used Jude..._

_Locke: I don’t like her as well. What are you going to do about her? She doesn’t seem pleased to know that you are in love with her._

_Cardan: I don’t know. I don’t have to see her for the semester. Speaking of these months... Is it alright if I stop performing at The Maze and come back after this period? Well, I can’t go anyways, I will ask again once I am back to the university._

_Locke: Do not freat, my friend. I just hope your family allows visits from me and Nicasia._

_Cardan: Wait a month to try it. It is time enough to settle things down a bit._


	34. Trying to be a good friend

[Liliver’s POV]

_-texting-_

_Naked man: how was Heather’s graduation party? The Roach told me he drank so much, he doesn’t remember. I can’t believe I lost drunken Roach!_

_Bomb: I only remember half of it... You could ask Jude, she was the most sober among all of us._

_Naked man: Nice try. I’d rather remain curious._

_Bomb: She thinks you are angry at her because she kissed Balekin._

_Naked man: If it is that so, now I have another reason to be angry at her. Let it go, Bomb. If it gets so hard for all of you when I finally go back to the shadows, I will move out. For now, I am just thankful for you all to accept my family’s money to maintain my bedroom for me._

_Bomb: Are you still brooding listening to ‘Wrecking ball’?_

_Naked man: Duh, of course I am!_

_Bomb: The house isn’t the same without you. The other day I even caught Ghost making a toast to your door before starting his beer._

_Naked man: I am not dead... And I saw him a couple of days ago, when he brought Taryn and Nicasia over for rehearsal._

_Bomb: How is that going?_

_Naked man: Who really needs the rehearsal is Taryn, because she is the one to make up the choreography. Nicasia and I recorded the song, so Taryn doesn’t need to come here frequently, but we are going to rehearsal a couple of times a month, and Nicasia and I also give Taryn tips. It is my most joyous time of the week, when they come._

\--

A knock on the door and I tell the person to come in, just to have my face lighten up at the sight of the most cute grumpy boyfriend ever. Van smiles shyly, and I can’t help but run to hug him.

“We have half an hour before the movie with the Queen and the Ghost, but we might be late” He says, kissing my cheek. “Taryn is coming along, and you know...”

“Yeah, Taryn is always late” I turn my head so our mouths can meet.

“Do you need to do anything before going?”

“I might need to apply my lipstick back again” the giggle escapes me like I am a teenager.

Well, Van _is_ my first love, so I pardon myself for acting like this. My cellphone falls from my hand, making us part so I can take it back and sink it in my purse.

“Talking to Cardan, again?” Van asks, sitting on my bed.

I sit beside him.

“Yeah... I just don’t feel right about what is happening between him and Jude”

Van shrugs. “I feel annoyed that Balekin wasn’t fired, just relocated to that Greenbriar Industry branch in Germany permanently. But neither Jude nor Cardan wants to talk about it”

His brows pull together with his indignation, and I can’t help myself.

“I love how serious you get about our friends!”

His timid chuckle makes my heart flutter, and I want to kiss him again, so I do. As our tongues dance together, I find my way straddling him, making Van gasp in surprise. We haven’t had sex yet, he is trying his best to takes things slowly, because Van treasures me and he never had sex before. But I am impatient, I have waited for his love for so many years, that all I think about is having him. Predictably, Van kisses me holding my waist, preventing me from getting too excited. With a sigh, I calm down my kisses, only touching him tenderly to feel and show him love, whilst respecting his choice of going through the slow path.

We watch the movie, eat fast food and hang out at the mall. Taryn and Ghost walk holding hands clinging to one another, something that I never enjoyed seeing couples doing. It is so exaggerate, that it almost look fake. Except, since I know them, I can recognize true love in Ghost’s glittering hazel eyes as he gazes his girlfriend, and Taryn was always an excitedly girl, but once she smiles at the Ghost, I can see her love as well. Is it bad of me to feel so happy with Van, and Taryn with Garret, but Jude is all alone? She doesn’t seem bothered to be the only single among us, and she never admitted her feelings for Cardan, which makes me start believing when Cardan says she never felt the same.

However, I remember the glow the Queen held when Cardan was around, her smirk when he texted her. I love Jude, she is my dear friend, but I got really upset when Cardan told Van what happened, how he told Jude he was in love with her, accused her of knowing it for quite some time, and she didn’t deny it. She never answered his feelings. Now that my anger has passed, a month back at the Court of Shadows, all I hope is for both their happiness.

\--

Jude is not happy. It is like that time when she found out Cardan tried to kill himself, I watch her become less talkative, working and studying until she falls asleep. She is getting thinner, paler, dark circles under her eyes. I thought therapy was helping her, so why is she looking so sick? Is it wrong to force her talk to me? How can I help her? It hurts to see Jude like this. She comes back from her training, passing us with a weak “hey there”, and goes right to her bedroom. Van meets my eyes, also concerned about the Queen. Decided, I go to her bedroom, and she lets me in. The place is a mess, as usual, and I find a space on her bed so I can sit, looking at her, sitting by her desk.

“Jude, talk to me... Did something happen?”

She sighs, and looks at me. “I am fine, Lils”

“No, you are not. I am not blind! You don’t need to tell me everything, but let me help you somehow... I am here for you, girl!”

She smiles, not quite reaching her eyes. “I am just tired. It will pass”, she tells me, but stops, curling her lips as the Queen notices that I am holding back tears. With another sigh, Jude comes to lay on her bed, her feet still on the ground, as she faces the ceiling. “The almost rape episode still gives me nightmares, and started bringing forth feelings I had shut down after entering the university. Cardan’s feelings do not cooperate, neither Balekin’s harassment. It is over now, these three topics, but they haunt me anyways” she meets my eyes again. “I am sorry I am pushing you all away, I am... Just tired”

“Let’s watch all the Harry Potter movies this weekend. Let me be here with you” I take her hand. “Rely on my a bit, we are friends”

Jude chuckles, then nods. Finally I can do something for her, my heart is relived. Maybe the Queen has suffocated her feelings, pretending to be alright when Valerian attacked her. She tried to heal fast, to smile and not let anyone pity her at the time, so I suppose her pain finally caught her. I just don’t know why Cardan’s feelings are a problem for her, and it doesn’t look like Jude is going to tell me about it. But it is okay, I can live with that, if she is allowing me closer. People can have their secrets. As long as she gets better.


	35. A heart talk

[Jude’s POV]

Another nightmare wakes me up way before my alarm set, ragged breathing, sweating. It was so livid, Valerian’s hands on me, choking me, parting my legs, brushing my thigh. Waking like this is already part of my routine, it only got worse after that phone call with Cardan. Actually, as I have been thinking through therapy, it was more about the pile of unhappy chain of events. I had to kiss Balekin before, and if regret could kill me, I would have been long gone. With Locke’s help, that monster is far away, but still, I also have nightmares with him. There are those when Balekin makes me kiss him while Cardan is watching, then there is blood as Cardan is beaten.

The food now tastes like sand, I only feel tired and tired, never having a good night of sleep. The burden that I became to my friends weights me down, and I don’t know if its worse when I don’t tell anyone about how I am feeling, or when I tell and they look at me with those awkward eyes of not knowing what to do of it. I have thrown myself into work and study, so much that I have been oblivious to the time passing, only realizing that it is already December as the Bomb makes us all gather to put on lights and a Christmas tree. A nice cozy night, that I haven’t allowed myself for months. We invited my sisters, Ed and Nicasia over, the latter became unusually close to Liliver, Taryn and Ed.

They are all excited about Taryn’s presentation, she has been secretive about everything, even the song she is going to perform. Taryn is avoiding me since last month, when she came back from her rehearsal at the Greenbriar Mansion, she was asking me why I wouldn’t talk to Cardan, why I was feeling sorry for myself, oh poor Cardan this and that. Then I snaped, screaming at Taryn, holding me back to not punch that pretty delicate face. Even if I lost weight, I am much more stronger than her. So as she steals glances at me when they talk about her presentation, I only drink more of my beer. However, of course I am going to watch it. Madoc would be mad if I suggested otherwise, and if I choose to simply not show my face, he would come find me and drag me there.

“Are you sure you want to keep fighting her?” Vivi asks me quietly, as we stand in a corner of the living room, beers in hand.

“I am not fighting anyone, Vivi” I answer, not so much without a biting edge. Then I sigh. “I am-”

“Tired” she cuts me bitterly. “Yes, I’ve heard the last twenty times you’ve said it. I was concerned about you spending the next week by yourself, with everyone returning to visit their families, but it might do you some good. You are too sulky, it is annoying”

“Thank you for your honesty, almighty sister” I scoff.

I have always hated when Vivi tries to take Taryn’s side, as if she was defenseless, as if I was the strongest between the three of us. But I have to hide it, I am too old to be jealous of their friendship. As Vivi said, the next day all my friends from the Court of Shadows leave me alone for the week ahead. It is quiet, and as I finish my tasks of the day, I take my blanket to cover myself as a cocoon on the couch and watch Christmas movies or Christmas series. Some foolish romance to warm my empty heart, to distract me from what I should feel, should be, could be and... am not. As the week passes, I feel like I could get used to this, to work, study and watch _Netflix_ while cozy on the couch. I could even read a book like this, and recover something of me that I lost in this shell version of me.

Friday is colder, and since I finished all I had to do for the week by midday, I dare to let myself relax with some good tea and start reading a book. A romance about Faeries that looked promising. The sound of the garage opening, a car parking, then the garage closing makes me wonder about what is bringing Garret home. Taryn’s presentation is tomorrow, so perhaps he is willing to sleep at the Court of Shadows because it is closer, and perhaps he wants to bring Taryn here after. He could have texted me, though, because I could be walking naked at home. Okay, I wouldn’t. But he could have texted me, and I am ready to tell him that, only it is not Garret who opens the door, but Cardan. I can see he was hoping that the house was empty, as he lifts his brows, then scowls.

“Why are you here?” he asks, running a hand through his black hair that has a few snowflakes over.

Cardan. The tall man, using a black sweater under his open jeans jacket, and looks as if he just took a photo shooting for a magazine as a model. Skin so pale without flaws, blotchy rosy out of cold. The serious expression so unlike the lazy smug Cardan that was the most common to be seen. His scent, spicy musk, travels through the room to fill my lungs, and as I stare the dark pits of his eyes, a strange shudder runs my body. It is like I missed him and was lying to myself that I didn’t. My eyes start burning, wanting to let something overflow; it could be rage, it could be loneliness. Abruptly, I rise, heading to the stairs to lock myself away from him, but Cardan catches my wrist and makes me turn to meet his gaze again.

“ _What?_ ” I growl.

His eyes narrow, finding something strange. He looks from my wrist in his grip, then assesses all of me, my loosen sweatpants and t-shirt.

“Why did you lose weight? Are you sick?”

“None of your business” I answer between gritted teeth. “What. Do. You. Want.”

“I was not expecting to meet you so soon, not alone, not like this” Cardan averts his eyes for a moment, but returns my glare again. “We can talk like adults, or you can make it difficult for the both of us by running away, like you were going to do”

“You spent months without talking to me, and now you want to tell me that I am acting like a child?”

“It is not like you tried to talk to me either, Jude” Cardan sighs, as if he is getting angry and is trying to keep calm. I scoff at it. “So you don’t want to talk to me? Do you want to ignore me for how long? Do want me gone from the Court of Shadows? For what? At least tell me that, because from what I remember, Jude, you were the one who made the wrong decision”

I pull my hand from his grip, feeling my face contort with anger.

“Did I make the wrong decision, now?” I retort. “I know – EVERYONE knows at the Greenbriar Industries what Balekin did to me because of some leaked record of that night, I imagine I have to thank Locke for that one. So _you_ know why I kissed him. And if I had kissed Balekin because I wanted to, you shouldn’t act all grumpy about it!”

“Grumpy?” Cardan laughs dangerously. “You knew how I felt about you, and what Balekin did to me! You knew Jude, and you shut me off! Is it that disgusting that Cardan Greenbriar fell in love with you? Is it insufferable that I was trying to approach you? Because it looked like you wanted me too, it looked like more than friendship or whatever desire. Was I a lunatic to think that you had feelings too? And for the gods that people believe, do not compare me to Fand or any other that has ever told you their feelings for you”

My whole body is prickling hot at this growing fury, and I start pacing, twitching my fingers nervously. I say, “Yes, a lunatic indeed, Cardan” my voice containing the mess of feelings in my throat. “For starters, you never really liked me the way you are thinking you liked. You could not, because you chose to hate me instead. Then yes, we became friends, and you didn’t hate me anymore, but only because I listened to your problems doesn’t mean you could fall for me. You were never the only broken one, so you can’t say you liked me when you never saw me at my worst. Everyone that got close to see that, left. You wouldn’t be different”

“You don’t get to decide what other people feel, Jude. One thing is what you feel” Cardan grabs me by my shoulders, making me stop and face him. “You can hate me, or simply not want me, but you don’t decide for me. So you were mad at me all these months because you thought I was in love with a version of you that was not really you? You know what? I was thinking that it was all about repulse that you felt, aversion of me. But it was fear. You are afraid of what you feel. Why? I can only think the problem is me, but then again, the Jude my friend makes me think that there is more to it. Tell it to my face, Jude. Tell me that you hate me, that you feel disgust and everything, instead of telling me this weak excuse that I don’t know the real you to feel something real as well. I dare you to not hide in your lies”

Heaving, panicking. I shove Cardan with a snarl.

“Am I afraid of feeling in love? Afraid of letting someone love me? Of course I am, you imbecile! Repulsed by this feeling, terrified!” Cardan steps back as if I just punched him, but I can’t stop anymore. He asked for it. “Whose fault do you think it is, Cardan deary? When I grew up thinking of me as a monster for not behaving and causing my parents death, and had only hate for me, you fed this monster in me. So wicked, with every other kid so afraid that they wouldn’t befriend me, you tormented me and even then, you were so cruel to smile at me and glare at me as if we had a secret agreement of making each other’s life a hell of entertainment. As if we were friends through hate. Then you kissed me in high school, and stopped that play. Was it regret? Had you realized that kissing someone as you kissed me could mean something and you finally hated me enough to not want me near?”

“That is not-”

“Then you tried to kill yourself!” silent tears start running down my cheeks. I am tired. “I had only you for years to make through the day in that twisted secret agreement, and when I thought we could go pass that and act more like friends because you had told me something very personal, you chose to leave me behind.” Cardan started crying as well at some point, watching me. “How can I believe in someone’s love if I am so broken apart? I only knew hatred, that I could trust. That is what had Valerian and Balekin after me. You could hate me, you could be my friend, and even desire me” I shrug. “But love me? You cannot. No one can, not even me”

I can’t believe I said it out loud. It is suffocating, but wait, there it is. Now that he has seen me, Cardan can leave me. That is how it is supposed to be. When he leaves, I am going to take another shower, make some more tea, and get back to my book. I won’t have to think about this anymore, now that it is over. It hurts, but this is how it should be.

“I have already asked for your forgiveness, for all the things that I’ve done” he says in a hoarse voice. “And I ask you again, I am so, so sorry! Just because I was hurt, I had no right to do those things to you, but from what you just told me, you recent me more because you believed that we had something, and I left you... Jude, when I tried to cease to exist, it was because it hurt so much that I just wanted it to stop” Cardan steps closer, brushing a knuckle on my cheek, taking away my tears. “You had already lost your parents, and you thought you lost me too... I am sorry that I made you feel like that! I am sorry that I hurt you”

“It is not... You didn’t know what was going inside my head, so is not entirely your fault, is it? I am the one who believed all that stupid crazy things, about having a wicked friendship with you, and then realizing how illogical that was when you left me. You have some fault, but it is not entirely on you. Yeah, that is it.” I stare at me feet, gathering the strength to move and not start crying again.

So many things crossing my mind, increasing the ache in my chest, making it hard to breathe. But I am not going to start panicking now. Even if I kissed Balekin, could Cardan remain my friend? We said what we had to say, Cardan understands how it is wrong for him to think that he was in love with me. If so, can we still laugh together? If I have this hope, perhaps I should give him some space to process. Otherwise, I will make sure to not trouble him, stay out of the way or something-

Cardan involves me in a tight embrace, an arm wrapping my shoulders, the other gingerly pressing my head against his chest, stroking my hair.

“It was not one-sided, Jude” his heart is beating so fast, but his voice is low and soft. “When I recognized the same hatred that I felt in your eyes, the loneliness... I was eager to meet your glare, daring to make my worst because you would not break with that. I yearned for every prank you played on me, laughing on my own later, because you were there, in that wicked secret agreement”

After a few breathing of silence, and Cardan’s heart calming down, my arms move on their own accord, wrapping around his waist. His heart starts racing again, but Cardan doesn’t reveal anything, still soothing me.

“Don’t panic” Cardan starts again. “You have been saying that I was in love with you, and or thought I was. You are wrong in two details, Duarte. You can be stubborn, lie quite frequently, and have such bad habits about cleaning your room... You can have traumas and troubles and think the worst of you. Actually, no, we have to work on that. It might take some time, but I want to help you heal. My point is, I can perfectly find you annoying in some aspects and still be in love with you. So that it is: I _was_ in love with you, but it did not end. I _am_ in love with you” my whole body stiffen. He didn’t understand. Cardan places a knuckle under my chin to lift my face and make me meet his eyes. “Don’t do that. Don’t make my feelings a lie. Instead, tell me how you feel about me”

“I- I...” Cardan appraises me. His face still blotchy rosy, and I realize he is blushing. I take a deep breath. “I fucking hate you for all of that, but still... I want you”

He gazes me, considering my answer, then asks “Do you like my friendship?”

“Yes”

The sweet smile that Cardan gives me makes it easier to breathe. The smile turns into mischief, as he asks, “do you find me handsome? I know you do, but I want to hear it regardless”

“Yeah...” I answer with a chuckle. “Presumptuous” Cardan’s eyes immediately flash to my mouth, his smile fading.

“I want to kiss you”

Slowly, giving me time to pull back, to just say ‘no’, to give him any negative reaction, Cardan leans to me, his hand on my neck, brushing his thumb on my skin. At the brush of his lips on mine, I feel him shudder a ragged breath. These soft lips pressed so carefully and lovingly against mine, moving slowly, making my eyes close at the intensity of his care, of how I wanted Cardan for so long. The hand on my shoulder slides down to my waist, pulling me closer, as if we could get any closer. Then Cardan nips my bottom lip, his tongue trails after, just to slid inside my mouth, deepening the kiss as our tongues dance together. The rightness of feeling his touches are pushing away my beliefs of how wrong the idea of Cardan being in love with me was. Easy, so easily making me want to be in his arms for the rest of my life, as if this feeling in my belly, the butterflies and twists of my guts, as if there is no problem to feel them at all.


	36. Friends can get jealous

[Garret’s POV]

Trying my best to not look nervous, I fix my tie one last time before leaving to the Ismoor Theater, where I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents. We are supposed to sit in the same row, watch Taryn’s performance, then we are going to have dinner together. I pick up the Roach and the Bomb on my way to the theater, they both wearing formal gowns, but not quite like me. Perhaps I have overreacted with complete tuxedo. The Roach is wearing jeans, a white buttoned shirt and a blazer, while the Bomb is wearing a glittering blue top and a long black skirt. My friends, realizing how nervous I am, kindly keep their commentaries for themselves. At least for the beginning of the ride. As the traffic gets heavier, and I become impatient, they start laughing.

“You know Madoc already, why the sweat?” Roach asks by my side.

“Exactly, I am dating Madoc’s daughter! How can I not panic at that?”

“You weren’t panicking when you made the girl scream your name for everyone hear it” Bomb teases me.

“Oh my God, Bomb!” I censure her meeting her eyes through the mirror. She laughs it off. “Could you not say these kind of things in front of her family? I am already afraid of the Queen suddenly remembering that she is alive and start saying unnecessary information”

“The Queen and Taryn weren’t on good terms last week, so you might be safe on that” Roach argues.

“I am counting on that as well”

It takes a while to find a place to park, and as I see other men in fancy tuxedo, I don’t feel so out of place. The theater is big, and even though it is an old building, it is well preserved with new painting and no fractures. It has enormous wooden windows, and carved pillars with fairy tales’ creatures, such as sirens, fawns and pixies. The inside of the building is even more exquisite, filled with rich golden adornments. A red carpet covers the floor of all directions, the stairs to higher rows and the cabins as well. That must be why Taryn is so impressed with this place, as if all her fantasies can be seen here in each detail, all those stories she likes to create. I love it when Taryn tells me something that she was playing in her mind, my sweet princess.

We don’t have to look for our places, as I spot Jude already waiting alone in the row. Once she spots us, the smile on her face catches me unprepared. It has been months since I last saw the Queen open a real smile, and my heart squeezes guiltily for thinking that it was better that Jude would be quiet tonight, so she wouldn’t give me problems about me and her family meeting. She rises to receive Bomb’s hug. Jude is wearing social black pants, a beige buttoned shirt, opened three buttons exposing her collarbone, both sleeve are lacy, and her black blazer is on her chair. As I am hugging her, Madoc arrives from the other side of the row, giving me a hard look, and I almost fall with the Queen as I let her go.

Jude introduces me formally to Madoc, Oriana and Oak as Taryn’s boyfriend.

“I am glad you liked the shirt I gave you, Jude” Oriana says. “But you would look better with a dress, sweetie”

“Thank you” the Queen answers bitterly.

“Do you play online games?” Oak asks me.

“Yeah, I do!” his excited look puts me at ease.

Vivi and Heather arrive with Ed, and after we all greeted each other, we take our seats. Mine is between the Queen and the Roach. I look at my phone to check if it is on silence mode, and there is a message unread.

_Princess T: Is everyone there yet?_

_G: Yeah. How are you feeling?_

_Princess T: a state of hunger and sickness. Have you heard the news from Jude?_

“She is such a busybody” I hear the Queen scoffing, leaning over me as she stares at my phone.

“You are the one looking at my private conversation” I grimace at her. “What are the news?”

She rolls her eyes, then gets closer to whisper: “Cardan came back to the Court of Shadows yesterday, and we kissed. I came here today with him, and when Taryn saw us, Cardan’s smirk gave it away”.

It takes me a lot of self control to not just shout at her. That is why she smiled at us! I am so mad at Jude, for not counting on her friends for months, for looking like the world was wrong. And it took one night with Cardan-

“It was a kiss!” she emphasizes, understanding the line of my thoughts. “and you can pass on the note to the Bomb and the Roach, or they will start feeling left out”

“You left us out for _months_!” I can feel a snarl in my throat.

“I did, and I am still partially doing it” the Queen stares me. “This is not the place to have an argument of the sort”

The first half of the presentations passes as a blur, as angry as I am with the Queen. We were there, trying to support her as Jude lost her appetite. We were there, inviting her constantly for parties, movies and video game nights. I watched Jude wither, and it hurt me. It took a kiss from Cardan to make her smile again? He didn’t talk to her at all for all these months, and he is the one to revive the Queen? It is like our friendship was for nothing, meaningless. At the interval, we all rise for a moment, even if it is just to stretch our legs. The Bomb and the Roach stay with me in a corner, enthusiastically talking about the dance and songs that I didn’t pay attention. When the Queen approaches us, I can’t help but grimace again.

“Did something happen?” Roach asks.

“I kissed Cardan yesterday” the Queen answers.

“Why in the world are you grumpy about it?” the Bomb frowns at me.

“Because we were there for her when Cardan were not” I say. “And I feel like shit because I was really worried about her, but she only needed Cardan’s lips”

“Yeah, I feel better after the kiss, but because of what Cardan and I were fighting just before, the things that I finally said aloud” the Queen sighs. “You know part of the problems that made me go through the dark path, Ghost. I told the three of you about some of my fears, some of my nightmares. I am going through therapy! And I only got through those months because I had all of you at my side, not because of Cardan. So please, _please_ don’t think of me as some soulless disgusting thing that lust after Cardan and he is the only reason that I tried to be better today” 

_Fuck._

“I am sorry, Jude” I try. “I am sorry... I know you are not like that, I just got jealous of your smile. It doesn’t matter if it is Cardan’s lips that made you better, or if it was anything else. What matters is that you are trying to be better”

Her eyes are red, as if she is containing tears. _Shit._ But Jude nods, and the ring for the next part sounds, so we find our way back to our seats.

“Way to go” Liliver growls at me.

Cardan and Nicasia are the firsts to appear at the corner of the stage. They are both wearing black; Cardan in a fine tuxedo and Nicasia in a long chiffon dress, a cleavage to her navel, that I am sure is making Ed blush. It takes me a while to recognize the song Cardan has started, and when Nicasia starts singing, I hear some surprised and curious noises. Then Taryn enters. The song, _Somebody to love_ , by Queen. She is wearing a ripped t-shirt printed the name of the band and the faces of the members, a pink skirt and her ballerina's shoes. The hair tightly made into a high bun, and a heavy make up to complete her look. I want to see people’s reaction, because I know they are not comfortable with Taryn’s defiance, but I can’t take my eyes from her. Beautifully dancing. She is short, but as she twirls and points her leg, it look longer. Taryn balances gracefully with ballet and a modern approach, with daring moves.

At the climax, Taryn makes a lot of high jumps with stretched legs each side, then lands and spins, and I realize I am holding my breath when the song comes to an end. We all applaud, I hear Vivi shouting and Heather whistling. Taryn smiles blinds me as she curtsies. The next performance starts, my smile still lingering.

“I have to agree that Taryn does look like a princess, even wearing that ripped t-shirt” the Queen whispers to me.

“You are telling me that because you saw that I wrote her nickname as ‘Princess T’, right?” I am happy that Jude is talking to me without holding a grudge.

“Precisely” she chuckles.

“May I ask, my queen, how did you wrote Cardan’s name in you phone?”

“ _Stupid Devil_ ” Jude shrugs. “We are good at naming people. I wrote Bomb as ‘Lils’; the Roach is ‘Roach’; you are ‘Ghost’; Vivi is ‘Almighty sister’...”

I choke with my laughter, and she laughs lowly as well. The woman sitting in front of me turns her head with a glare, then returns facing the stage. I bite my lip to keep me from laughing more.

“Do you know how he named you?” I glance at Jude.

“It is ‘She’, isn’t it?” Jude doesn’t look concerned about it. “Not much creative, as if I am tedious”

“You never asked, then” I smirk at her, and Jude quirks a brow. “Well, I happen to know the meaning of it. Have you ever listened to the song ‘She’, by Elvis Costello?”

I watch her face as Jude tries to remember, pulling her brows together, then slowly she lifts her gaze to meet my eyes. Surprise and embarrassment written there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I am so anxious to get my hands on the new book!


	37. It is also about taking a day at a time

[Vivienne’s POV]

Watching Garret struggling during the dinner with my family is so much fun. Taryn changed her clothes to a salmon dress, the skirt goes to her mid thigh, and she is wearing high heels boots. I am proud of her, second place with her beautiful performance. Besides the medal, she also won a money prize.

“Should we tease the Ghost?” Heather whispers to me.

“Have I told you that I love your mischief?” I meet her gaze, just to find her blushing, and can’t help but give her a kiss.

We got a long table to fit my family and Taryn’s friends, including the five girls from her frat. Madoc doesn’t look comfortable having dinner with so much younger people surrounding him, which means only joy for me. I am tempted to take Heather upon her offer, but I suspect Madoc is going to turn his attention to me if I do, so I decide to be only a spectator. The fancy food is served. I ordered salmon with vegetables and rice, and wine. Is it well served and smells deliciously. Before I start digging in, my cellphone chimes a text and I take a look at it.

_Baby Taryn: did you know the latest? Jude kissed Cardan yesterday. Don’t you see she is more talkative now? All she needed was him! If I knew that it was all it took to ease her annoyance humor, I would have taken Jude to one of my rehearsals long ago. Argh, I can’t believe her!_

I meet Taryn’s eyes, to see how irritated she is. It makes me chuckle.

_Vivi: Are they together now?_

_Baby Taryn: I don’t know, Cardan didn’t tell me more than the kiss part._

_Vivi: If they are not, they will soon. And stop being angry with Jude, you never really tried to cheer her up during these months._

“Vivienne” Oriana calls me. “Put down your phone. We are having dinner”

Rolling my eyes, I obey, and start eating. At least the food is so good, that I am fast to forget the unpleasant annoyance. Through the whole night I catch Ed stealing glances at Nicasia. Perhaps I should change my career for matchmaking, because I am ready to help these two poor souls find happiness with each other as well as I am planning on how to make Jude and Cardan a couple.

\--

Heather and I agree to spend Christmas with her family, and the new years we spend on our own, making a trip to New York and see for ourselves the famous turn of the year there. I love it how Heather can make me ignore my frustration about the cold weather with her good mood. The kiss I give her by midnight is hot and full of love. This is how we spend the rest of the night in out hotel room, loving each other, expressing it through the fever of flesh and moans. Her beautiful set of breasts grinding against mine, her mouth covering every skin available, as I return in equal intensity. The way her voice sounds sweetly calling me _Vee_ burns my veins, and I am hers.

Not everything is Paradise, so we have to return to reality. Heather has lots of works to do, and I have my own plate full. For my final Project I am working on a ecological material to make lingerie. Besides having to write a thesis about the material, I am making a portfolio about the pieces. So I have made these sets, Heather and I took pictures wearing masks and make up, and we discussed about the feeling of the material on our skin. So far, everything is going alright, but writing it all takes some time.

As the semester starts, the Court of Shadows invites us to a gathering. Seeing the good opportunity, we invite Ed as well, and I fill his mind with ideas about Nicasia. The poor man drinks instead of taking the initiative, afraid to shatter this friendship, afraid that Nicasia will leave him just as every other girl has left him, broken hearten.

“Let’s play a drinking game” I call on everyone, and wait for them take a sit someplace in the living room. “The imaginative game, I just invented it. So, each take a turn to invent a scenario and we all have to respond how it would turn out if it actually happened. If you agree with someone, you drink, if you are lying and someone knows, you drink. Like this: you have to listen to the song that really annoys you for an entire week, what would that be?”

“I think it would be _Baby_ , by Justin Bieber” Heather answers with a grimace.

“Agreed” Jude lifts her beer as a toast, and drinks from it. “Just remembering that song exists, it is going to play in my head through the week” she complains.

“I am going to sing it for you when you forget, Jude dear. You are going to looooove it” Cardan laughs. “I don’t really have a song that annoys me, I can play along with anything”

“ _Hey Jude_ ” Nicasia says, and smirks at Jude’s glare. “You know, from the Beatles? I hate this song. It sticks”

“Anything from Nick Minaj” Ed confesses. “And from any person who sings like her”

“Agreed” the Ghost drinks to that.

“Yep” the Roach drinks as well.

“I think I am with Cardan, I don’t remember any song that annoys me” the Bomb says, frowning, and drinks.

“Every Slipknot song and songs of the like that Jude forced me listen to when we lived together” Taryn declares.

“And I am with Cardan and Liliver” I drink to that. “Now it is Heather’s turn to ask”

“Name at least two people in this room that you would kiss” she moves her brows up and down in a playful dare, making me laugh.

“Cardan and Liliver” Jude answers, flushing, and drinks even if it is not for the game. She doesn’t look to see Cardan’s delightful grin.

“Jude...” he drawls, and she clearly wants to bury her face in a hole to hide from him. “Ghost, Ed and Heather”

Ed chokes, not expecting to be named, and I laugh at his face. He might think that Cardan is joking, but I know he is not.

“Cardan and... Ed” Nicasia says the latter shyly. The man looks like red pepper.

“Jude and Nicasia” Ed says quietly. I wasn’t expecting Ed to find Jude attractive.

“Just Taryn, really” Ghost says. “I am sorry to disappoint”

“Not even me?” Cardan turns to the Ghost, offended. “Traitor”

“Liliver and Jude” the Roach says, and Jude gives him a light appreciative bow.

“Van and Jude” the Bomb says.

“I think Jude is officially invited to their bedroom” I croon.

“Perhaps I will take up the offer” Jude answers, and _winks_ at the couple, then the three of them burst into laughter.

Cardan doesn’t look so amused, though.

“Only Garret” Taryn says, timidly.

“No, you can tell them, baby” the Ghost makes a face pretending to be hurt. “For the sake of the game, you must”

Taryn rolls her eyes. “Fine, Cardan as well”

I am not the only surprised with her answer, even Cardan didn’t see it coming.

“Heather and Ed” I say, and wink at Ed. I think it is fascinating how he easily turns crimson.

“Vee and Nicasia”, Heather answers.

We play absurd questions, as if the world were invaded by aliens, which food would you save; or if Elfhame was a fairy tale place, which kind of faerie would you be. Drunk and tired, we start getting ready to leave, waiting for the Uber.

“What if you had to live with a curse, which one would it be?” Ed asks, but Taryn, Ghost, Bomb and Roach are talking in another circle; Nicasia is gone to the washroom.

“It would be to live with something I hate” I think aloud.

“If it is that so, Cardan would have to live with me” Jude says, her eyes almost closing asleep, and Cardan catches her by the waist before she falls. “He hates me, you know”.

“If hating you the way I do is enough to keep you close, I’d find this curse rather lovely” Cardan smiles tenderly to Jude, but she doesn’t see it.

Ed and Heather exchange glances, and the three of us leave them be, meeting Nicasia on the way to the door. Where she pulls Ed into a deep kiss.

“Get a room” the Bomb mocks. 

That went well.


	38. For the sake of a thesis

[Cardan’s POV]

Back to friendship. Assertiveness is not my strength, as much as my brilliant conjecture to declare my feelings. Instead of steadying my ground asking Jude to be my girlfriend, I asked for a kiss and nothing more. What consoles me is that at least my efforts granted me Jude being conscious of me, by each time she blushes when she catches me looking at her. We are playing a difficult game now, one that I have to convince Jude that she is lovable, or more precisely, that I am capable of loving. Her. No one had told me how Jude was sick, how she had lost weight. Van invited me over for Christmas with his family, which was just a night of lots of food for him and for me, and he told me all about what I lost while I was staying at the Greenbriar Mansion.

I understood then, what Jude meant when she told Locke that I was not the only broken one. Jude didn’t let anyone see she was suffering, and I was so lost in my own problems, selfishly taking everything Jude gave me for granted, that it didn’t occur to me how bad Jude could be feeling. When she told me about her guilt and her monsters, Jude was so clear with her words that she looked strong, standing for her own. When she convinced me to go through therapy, it was also because she needed help. I failed to see the obvious signals of her trauma about Valerian, and the consequences of Jude trying to stand for herself are severe. It got worse with Balekin pursuing her.

These are the reasons I am taking it slow, not pushing Jude more than she needs. Jude is recovering her weight, we all from the Court of Shadows are monitoring her meals, making sure she eats. And when she smiles, I could cry overwhelmed by the sight. It is Saturday afternoon, there is only Jude and I at home, and we are watching a movie in the living room. Needless to say that my attention I reserve to Jude more than to the movie, in love with her auburn hair delicately placed behind her ear, allowing me to see more of her skin. The rosy blush on her cheeks intensifies, but Jude maintain her eyes fixed on the TV. She is wearing a grey tank top and jeans shorts, exposing too much skin for my safety. Her mismatched socks is the cute touch to complete the set.

“Can I sit with you?” the words escape my mouth before I have a hold of them. I cough, clearing my throat. “I mean, just to sit and watch the movie”

“Is it going to make you stop staring at me?” she smirks, slowly turning her head to meet my eyes.

“I can’t make such promise, you are far more interesting than the movie”

Jude nods, and I am fast to sit beside her, wrapping my arms around her to make Jude lean her back against my chest. She smells so good, like chamomile and warm dreams. Relaxed, I start paying attention to the movie _Shrek_. I have seen it a hundred times, but it is a good one. Unconsciously, my thumb starts drawing circles on her bare arm. Can she feel my heart beating against her back? As if planned, by the end of the movie, the doorbell rings. Jude goes see who it is, and comes back with Vivi holding a black bag.

“As I told you, I need this urgent favor” Vivi was telling Jude, placing the bag over the other couch. “It is for my thesis, and I will buy you anything that you ask and I can afford”, Vivi comes to kiss my cheeks as a way of greeting. “There is also a mask and a wig, you can wear make up so people won’t recognize it is you unless they pay attention to details as your tattoo and your finger, or unless you want them to. Please Jude, save my ass on this!”

“I don’t know Vivi, it is too embarrassing” Jude shrinks awkwardly.

“Please Please Please Please Please” Vivi begs, making me chuckle.

“Fine, I guess” Jude shakes her head. So she is weak against Vivi. Interesting.

Vivi jumps on her sister, hugging her. “Thank you a lot! I owe you, I know, but thank you! I need the photos by Monday, make sure to answer what I wrote in the notebook inside the bag, it is part of the research... And... Cardan, can you help Jude?”

Before I ask, Jude’s eyes widen with terror. She almost yelps as she says, “No! There is no need, I can perfectly do the task by myself”.

“Nonsense” Vivi waves her hand, dismissing Jude. “Cardan is way better with a camera than you are, sis” Vivi sits beside me. “Here is the thing. I told you about my work with lingerie made with ecological materials, right?” I nod. “Heather and I made a portfolio, but my professor advisor asked for at least one more person to test the products, one that does not love me as Heather does and has not accompanied the progress of my work, this way the person won’t be biased. As you just heard, I am short on time, so I asked Jude to try out the outfits, take photos wearing them and write her opinion. I am asking you to help her with the pictures, because you have a great camera on your phone, and you know how to take good shots. I would be happy if you wrote your opinion as well, that might be something good for my work... So, can you help me?”

Slowly absorbing the request at hand, I turn to Jude blushing to the tips of her ears, a hand on her forehead as she glares Vivi.

“Sure, I can help” I hear myself answer.

“Great!” Vivi hugs me excitedly, then starts leaving. “Text me once you are done, and I will come back for the bag! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

And she is gone.

I watch Jude as she watches me. Perhaps my heart is beating so loud with the anticipation, that even standing a few steps away, Jude can hear it.

“If you really don’t want my help, then I will stay here, quietly, while you do what you have to do” I tell her, carefully. “But if you allow me to help you, I can promise you that I will try my hardest to behave, and truly help you. I saw some of Heather’s pictures the other day, I can also do your make up based on what I saw”

“Where do you think it is the best place to take the pictures?” Jude’s voice is low, soft.

“It depends on how many outfits Vivi left for you to try” I ponder the possibilities. “It is spring, we could use the backyard and a chair... And definitely some have to be on bed. Don’t take me wrong, but I suggest to use my bed, because your room is a mess. If you clean it, then it might work as well”

“Is it okay if we do it now? I think if I wait longer, I won’t help Vivi at all” Jude sighs.

“Sure” I rise. “Bring your make up to my room and change there, then I will help you”

Jude nods, and goes to her bedroom. Pinching my forearm I realize this is not a fantasy. Deep breaths, repeating to myself that we are not going to do anything, I am just going to see Jude in some breathtaking clothing, but everything is going to be just fine. I take the black bag to my bedroom, and dare to open it. Each setting is folded inside a beige fabric beg, and I fetch the notebook Vivi said we would find with the questions she wanted us to answer. Jude arrives with a wooden box.

“You see, you have to give your opinion not only about the looks” I tell her as I point to the open page in my hands. “ _Does it itchy?_ ” I read the question and laugh. “I am not so sure if it is safe to wear lingerie anymore”

“If I get allergies on that, Vivi is going to have her share” Jude threatens, but there is humor on her face.

“I saw that there are five sets, we can do two in the backyard, and three here in my bedroom” I suggest, and she nods. “Once you are ready, you can use my robe...” I take the clothe from the hook behind the door, and place it over the bed. “Then call me, and I will do your make up”

She nods silently again. With nothing left to say, I leave, closing the door behind me, inhaling deeply to maintain my sanity. If I don’t pay attention, I might start smiling like a creep perverted old man. A glass of water helps me come to my senses, and I take a chair to the backyard, in the corner of our small garden, where there is a blackberry tree, clovers and vines, besides some herbs we use to make tea or seasoning our food. Staring at the scene, I start placing some ideas, which becomes difficult to contain myself within my jeans, but I manage anyhow. Once Jude calls me, I meet her already wearing a black and short wig, sitting on my desk’s chair.

“Have you seen the colors of the lingeries?” I ask, placing a chair that I brought from the dinning table in front of her.

“They are mostly dark colors, as black, red and purple” she answers.

Jude is blushing so much, so beautifully attractive, that I have to rub all my face to keep calm.

“The mask is all black, and I was thinking about dark make up with some gold. Is it okay for you?” I look at the lacy black mask, evaluating it.

“Be creative” the corner of her mouth tugs up.

“As you wish, my queen”

With a song from her cellphone filling the room, I make Jude’s eyes heavy black with golden dots, her lips coated in black as well, a black line going from her bottom lip to the end of her chin, between golden thin lines. Jude dresses the mask, covering half her face, and she looks like a deadly goddess.

“Let’s take the first three here, then move on to the backyard” she proposes.

I nod, watching her rising, leaving my robe on the chair. The lingerie is a black one set, purely lacy on the front, so the fabric does not only garnishes her body, but also allows me see what is underneath, a kind preview of Jude’s curves' story. I swallow thickly before meeting her gaze. Unexpected, what I find there is not shyness but wonderment, reading my reaction.

“You are beautiful” I whisper. Jude tilts her head as a predator appraising its prey. It takes great effort to suppresses a shudder in my body. “Lay down”. Once she turns and I see only thin straps holding the clothe at the back, her ass fully exposed, a humiliating whine escapes me.

I take at least three pictures of each outfit, Jude in different poses; from laying on my bed, sitting, to standing in front of my window. Far from being in control of anything, I keep devouring Jude with my eyes. Even without her normal weight, Jude still has nice curves and visible muscles. My hands are sweating, eager to feel her smooth skin. My mouth doesn’t know how to behave, how to live away from this taste. Gone is my self respect, my member so obviously marking my jeans, I cannot walk without slightly bending, trying to avoid pain or any friction. Each time before Jude changes again, we run through Vivi’s questions about the lingeries. So far, there is not a single bad commentary about them.

At the backyard, I suggest Jude to take pictures sitting on that old chair and also near our blackberry tree. For the last – _finally last_ – picture, Jude takes a blackberry to eat. How I wish to be that miserable fruit. The juice runs down her chin, her neck to her breast. _Fuck_. Before I realize it, I am licking the trail, until I am face to face with Jude, we both heaving.

“Go” I breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was writing "Birds of a Feather" and wrote Cardan to the human realm, Aida (who was beta-reading that fic) suggested a scene where Cardan would watch Jude trying out different sets of lingerie. As I had most of that fic ready, I reserved her idea for another shot, and this was it ;)   
> I hope you guys had fun reading it.


	39. Where you and I become one

_**CPOV** _

Breathing slowly to recover a bit of control over my body, I walk to the kitchen to drink more water while Jude gather her things from my room. Quick steps ascend the stairs, my phone rings a text.

_Locke: do you want to go to a party later today?_

_Cardan: Pass._

_Locke: Boring. I feel left all by myself, Nicasia doesn’t want to go either, now that she is dating Ed._

_Cardan: You could find someone for yourself, and not play with them like you played Taryn and Nic. Don’t you think of anyone these times? Try to find someone new if not, or pay attention to your surroundings... Perhaps you will surprise yourself._

_Locke: Just because you are in love, doesn’t mean all the people around you must do the same. Not like that, with the sweet talk and such. It disgusts me._

_Cardan: Sometimes I wonder if you loved someone who hurt you, and that is why you are like this._

_Locke: Don’t bother. See ya!_

_Cardan: have fun!_

Good, I am distracted. After washing my face and returning to my room, I lay on my bed while scrolling the screen of my cellphone, looking for nothing specifics. All I see in my mind is how Jude was in those outfits here in my bedroom. _Shit._

_**JPOV** _

Vivi was right, I felt something kind for myself today, wearing these daring outfits and Cardan’s eyes devouring me made me feel... Powerful. And beautiful. I should write that to her later, so she can add to her thesis. Taking off the make up requires some time, since Cardan made it all black and gold. His concentrating eyes as he painted my skin, going from admiring his work to admire me, to desire me, started building something in my belly that made hard even the tips of my breast. I was ready for him when I stood, leaving the robe aside. That reaction, that strangled whine from Cardan’s throat as he took in the sight of me was like fire to my veins. Each and every pose was for him, an almost naked declaration of... Of what?

The past month Cardan has been here for me, with our friends, helping me heal. More than that, he has broken my walls and I saw that feeling, the thing he called as being in love covering his beautiful face. It is a contradictory heat and cold in my guts, blushing under Cardan’s gaze, having my body hair rising with his proximity. The spicy musk scent filling my heart instead of my lungs, warming, like the home that he proposes at each time I grant him a hug. I stare at my clean face in the mirror, watching a drop of water running down my skin, recalling the blackberry’s juicy doing the same, followed by Cardan’s tongue. Realization hits me like a lighting, from the thundering of my heart. I want him. I- _I love Cardan!_

Before trying to convince myself to recoil and be afraid as I normally would do, I find myself running down the stairs. I open his bedroom’s door, my brain working like it could start producing smoke out of the process, trying to find words to explain what I am feeling, but I am interrupted by his sight. Cardan startles with my abrupt entrance, sitting up where seconds before he was laying on his bed. Naked. Nothing new. However, his hand in right there, between his legs.

“You were-” I conclude in my mind. _Masturbating._

Cardan’s flush cover all his head, to his neck down to his chest, as he takes a pillow to block my view of his private part. “Did you forget something?” he asks, awkwardly chuckling.

“Yeah” I nod. “Your robe”

“You can leave it there” Cardan points to the chair by his desk.

So I do, undress his robe and leave it where he pointed out. Slowly I lift my gaze to his. Naked, conscious of every skin exposed as Cardan’s eyes travel through my body. Parted lips in disbelief, brows arching in pleas. Cardan is wordless. I swallow, the courage echoing inside my body, pulsing within my veins. Stepping closer makes Cardan’s breath hitch with anticipation. Still, from him, there is no word of making me think twice, no warning. In these dark intense eyes, liquid as oil, there is lust indeed, and more. There is passion. Want. And how I want him too. I take the pillow out of the way, passing a leg across his hips. Down. As I use my hand to guide him to my entrance, Cardan bites his lips. Then, we are one.

_**CPOV** _

Stars are not poetic enough to describe this. Jude is quiet, seated on me. My arms are involving her tightly, and I am shaking. Perhaps afraid of this. _This._ I don’t want to lose Jude to any more of my brilliant scrubby mind with its ideas. The feel in my arms is real. Jude is here, she came to me, she wants me. Her hand is gently stroking my hair, so I look up to see her mesmerizing face, a knowing look. The brush of her lips over mine steals my breath, but it seems like I must have to get used to it – being breathless with her. My hand starts caressing her back, until Jude decides to slowly start going up and down on me.

“Jude!” I shudder. Her walls pressing against my length, the warmth and the slippery sensation... “Jude!” my weak voice pleads.

I hold her close, my mouth enamored with her breast. Jude moans sweetly, softly. And I love her. Her grip on my hair makes me grunt, and we kiss. A kiss to be remembered, to give life and to hope. The smooth skin under my fingertips is a sin, it should be forbidden, but even then I would fight my way to feel it. I would move heavens and Earth, gladly give away my freedom if it meant to be the cause of Jude’s pleasure and happiness. And I did. I am hers to keep, hopefully keep.

“Cardan...” she moans on my ear, sending a current through me.

Turning our position, I hover over her a moment, panting, loving the sight of Jude beneath me. She smiles. I thrust, watching her smile turn into a hunger mouth, and kiss her.

_**JPOV** _

The heat building in is something I have never felt. There was no need for words under this intensity, nonetheless, Cardan makes sure to not let anything aside as he moans my name in a pray, telling me how beautiful I am. At some point he increases the pace with my hands pressing his ass, and I am muttering, asking repeatedly for more, until my blinding peak overtakes me, taking Cardan down with me.

With more tender kisses, Cardan loves me a while more. Our breaths calm down, and Cardan lays beside me.

“We didn’t wear a condom” he says, his forehead pressed to the side of my head, his hand lazily caressing my belly.

“I’m on pills” I answer, chuckling at his worry.

“Jude?”

“Hm?”

“I-” Cardan struggles and I turn to meet his eyes, serious, scared, hopeful. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

“I see the irony in being asked to be the Naked man’s girlfriend while we are both naked” I give him a smirk. “Yeah, I can be your girlfriend”

His smile is so sweet that I kiss him.


	40. The sunshine

[Jude's POV]

Despair and anger. I can’t I can’t I can’t breathe. Am I allowed to feel happiness? Because I did, and now I don’t. Too afraid, remembering that I am Jude, remembering that I made myself pretend greatly that I do not show fear, but now– now I do. The monster inhabiting my chest is consuming everything, famished. Every bit of happiness that I felt with Cardan remade into paranoid fear.

It hurts. It makes me thirst, and I cannot breathe, as if I am inhaling dirt into my lungs. So intense is the pain, but most of all is my hatred about me. Sometimes, I like to meet a version of a mirrored me inside my mind, then I take my time hurting her. Throwing punches, pulling her hair, kicking, taking her head under water to drown her. At nights I cry myself to sleep. The day goes by and I am terrified because I feel out of control. Until I see his eyes. Those dark friends behind thick lashes, gazing at me, making me feel exposed. And this crooked smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Cardan has no idea about the repugnant thoughts filling my head, but he has the power to shut them all off by just one look. My heart skips a beat, I don’t know when I started smiling back.

I am in this roller coaster. Cardan doesn’t need to be right in front of me to make me happy and put aside the dark thoughts; I can feel at ease during the day with my normal routine. Though he is the fundamental reason of the apex of these days, like in a roller coaster, you just fear the down fall.

It is a small office, wooden furniture, wooden floor with a bright red fur rug. What I really like is the variety of books on the shelf. Most psychologists that I went before I met Grima Mog used to have shelves filled with books about the mind. This shelf contains books like Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and a collection of serial killers. I wonder if Grima Mog ever had the opportunity to go through minds like that of a killer, though I never dared to ask, because sometimes she gives me the chills with her dark humor. But I like Grima.

“You look like you got laid.” That is how my therapist starts our session, with a knowing smile in those red lips. She is a woman not much older than Madoc, but life was not very kind with her wrinkled skin, now covered in heavy make up, nor with the gray in her hair.

I try to get more comfortable in this massive black leather armchair with a sigh. I answer, “I did”, and because she already knows all there is to know about me, I add, “Cardan won.”

“Did he, now.”

Scoffing, I wave a dismissive hand. “Fine, it was not about winning. It was about me, allowing _me_ to have some fun. More than that, actually. I am letting myself hope.”

“Tell me more about this hope.”

Scanning the room again, my hands start fidgeting on my lap. “At first, after we had sex last weekend and Cardan asked me to be his girlfriend, I felt strange. Stricken by a blissful consuming energy. It was not sex, it was... love. Cardan made love to me”, I wait for Grima’s snort, but she always becomes serious when I expect her to be anything but. So I continue. “Then came my time alone in bath, when the dark thoughts were crawling in my skin, prickling little evil things.” The sting in my eyes makes me avert them from Grima’s intense gaze. “I started feeling disgusting, filthy. Undeserving of love. I am Jude Duarte, the one who didn’t know how to behave and killed her parents. The one who tormented Cardan for years, relying on his mischief so much to have something to feel, that I was happy to have his attention on me... I am the one who threw oil to the fire, making more people hate me. It is only fair, is it not? To make people hate me.”

Inhaling a shuddering breath, I manage to hold my tears. It is always shameful to admit how I think out loud, but at the same time, it helps me listen to myself in another perspective, as I organize each thought to spill it out. This is how I can analyse it all, reflect, and make amends. “But Cardan was still loving me after my depressing moment in the bath”, I say. “We made love, and we fucked through the week” my cheeks heat at the declaration, a bit of embarrassment, a bit of power gained from Cardan’s affection. I meet Grima’s gaze again, “I am hoping that this is real. I mean, I know we have feelings for each other, but it is about how much I want it to be strong, and how it actually is. It is not easy to discern, part of me is still waiting for Cardan to turn and say that it was all a prank and start laughing at me. Another part, thinks that I will be the one to ruin it, to make it hard for him so Cardan will become sick again. But I am allowing myself to hope that the case is that we are in love, and that we can be in love without a day set for it to come to an end.”

“Having hope might be difficult, since you have programmed your brain to expect the worst”, Grima’s old eyes lock mine, as if she could read me. Not my mind, but my soul.

“It is terrifying”, I agree with a shrug and a nod. “Although Cardan manages to break through my defenses, and doesn’t go easy on me. Maybe it is because of how we know each other, of how our relationship was always something else. Cardan does not pity me. If it is to argue, he will argue. Forcing me to try and see another perspective instead of what I trained myself to see and feel. It is strange, isn’t it? The one helping me heal is the one who was part of the reason I was always afraid to begin with. I wonder how sick I am to allow myself this wicked thing”

“Oh, so now you are sick” Grima teases me.

I take a deep breath, thinking of what I just told her for a moment.

“No, I was wrong just now. What I had with Cardan was intense from the moment we met. Perhaps that is why he could hurt me so deeply, and could make me smile at any different tease. So it is not wicked what I feel about him, which makes me not sick.” I sigh. “I really like him, Grima.”

“And your nightmares, how are those sweet things going?”

I laugh at her choice of words. “I still have them. Valerian trying to get me, Balekin kissing me, Cardan suffering something... They keep me company every night. But the meds I am taking are helping me with the panic right when I wake, helping me feel less tired and the food doesn’t taste like sand anymore.”

“Good. You don’t have to force everything in your life to change and make it happy at once, Jude. Some days are harder, and it might be difficult to even brush your teeth. Some days you are feeling awesome and wants to have crazy sex. It is all cool, girl. As long as you keep trying, taking a step at a time.” She winks, making me smile in return.

My throat burns as I feel a little proud of myself. I am doing it, I am taking a step at a time and I am allowing myself some Sunshine in life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the hiatus. Thank you for reading, leaving kudos... I am going to finish this fic in only two more chapters, I hope I can post them soon.


	41. A wish too heavy for a dandelion

[Locke’s POV]

The truth about my mother’s death ruined Eldred for good. Dain and his ridiculous smiles at me are no longer a worry, since his last adventure with his father’s lover and it’s consequences. As soon as Dain fulfill his sentence, Elowyn is sending him abroad with my other great deed, Balekin. I am partially rid of the Greenbriar family, all Elfhame is. You are welcome. The sisters are mostly boring, only Rhiya could count as an exception, but I have no plans for them. So, I am still working at the Greenbriar Industries. A possible attachment has grown in me, I do my job, meet new people, they humor me.

Nicasia is making me hang out with Ed. He is a fine man, sometimes tedious, not that surprising. I am glad she has moved on from me, it was getting annoying – those tears and longing eyes. But I like Nicasia as a friend; she makes me laugh, she knows how to be mean, and I love her vanity. I am not one to be sentimental, so I don’t visit Valerian’s grave, though I caught myself talking to him in my head ever once in a while.

After making my wobbling feet bring me to the top of a hill, I final sit on the grass and stare at the view. There was a frat party tonight, where I had some fun. Elfhame sleeping peacefully, almost no vehicles wandering between it’s streets. It is a cool night, cool breeze, with a hint of summer in the air. I hope it is not a so hell-ish summer, I hate sweating.

“Yo, drunkard”, I smile at his voice. Cardan sits beside me. “Feeling emo tonight, are we?”

“I am not that drunk, you know?” I manage to say without linking a word to the other. We lock gazes for a moment, then burst into laughter.

“Nicasia told me you are thinking about taking a job abroad after you graduate,” Cardan looks down at Elfhame, absently playing with grass between his fingers. “As in, you won’t come back.”

“True. Are you going to miss me?” I cross my arms over my knees and rest my head on my forearms, watching him.

“Don’t worry, I will visit you so you don’t get lonely,” Cardan chuckles.

“As long as you don’t have a child and bore me to death with father-like stories, I will allow you to visit me,” I smile, but the thought pains me. Cardan growing apart from me, making a family, happy with someone else. With _her_.

“I also heard that you hang out with Nicasia and Ed a lot, all the while you refuse to spend any time with me and Jude. That is not fair, Locke”

I sigh deeply.

“I didn’t like Jude Duarte a long time before you realized your feelings for her. Do not ask me to try and know her again. Besides, I bet she feels the same about me, given my history with Taryn.” I wave a dismissing hand.

“You must have really liked Taryn, to be hurt enough and not want to talk to her anymore,” Cardan glances at me.

I remember her smile, her mischief, her joy in being my partner as we were mean to others and created great fantasies together. I was Taryn’s prince, and she adored me. I loved her eyes on me, I loved her body. She was a great company, but she was not him. And I hurt her to see if Taryn would leave me, I hurt her to test her love, until the hurt was too much. Taryn left still loving me, she left me not because she stopped feeling. She left me because she understood that I would never love her wholeheartedly. Amazing, incredible, sweet Taryn.

“I did,” I whisper, catching him by surprise. Cardan looks at me, searching for the lie. He doesn’t find it.

We are silent, looking at the city. It might be kindness or not, but now the cool breeze is also bringing me Cardan’s scent. Something musk, spicy, so much of him. Through the years, it was never this hard to sit beside him, to watch Cardan and not touch him. The moment he became Jude’s boyfriend... No, it was before. It was when he saw her again at that party and kissed her in front of everybody. Since that scene that I got to watch like a tormented condemned man, it became harder and harder to not touch him. Cardan has kissed me, more than once. More than that. I run my hands over my face, remembering the time when had a threesome and I watched him give in to pleasure. The time when hem had me see blinding stars when he was experimenting a finger in me, then let me return the favor. It didn’t matter that it was a playful moment, with Nicasia and Valerian there as well. My skin burn for this man, my heart beats and makes loops that only Cardan can cause. But I always knew.

I have always seen the look in his eyes towards Jude. He wanted her in so many ways before he understood what desire was. He wanted her wholly, and I could see it way before Cardan could put the pieces together and figure it as more than heat, more than passion. I hated Jude. That fierce girl who would match Cardan’s eyes. I hated to see his smile when he watched her and thought no one was watching him. The first time I saw Jude looking at him secretly, with longing eyes, blushing, I was terrified. There was no way to prevent, to tear them apart. Even though I have hurt Cardan when I made Nicasia fall for me, even though I manipulated Jude and Balekin to try and get rid of her, I hate myself for hurting Cardan. Because in the end, it didn’t matter. In the end, Cardan remained my friend. He didn’t push me away. I hate him for liking me near, I hate him for not liking me enough. I shouldn’t have drunk too much, I feel pathetic now.

“What?” Cardan asks, chuckling just because I am laughing alone. I amuse him.

“There are dandelions here,” I tell him.

“And what is the joke in that?” He arches a brow. I want to kiss his smug smile out of his face.

Instead, I pull two dandelions, giving him one, and answer “No jokes, just irony. I always wish for the same thing since middle school. I kind of like to make impossible wishes. Not healthy, but it humors me,” I confess.

“I will take the bait and ask: what is it that you always wish for?”

“Never going to tell you,” I laugh at his grimace. “Go on, let’s wish for something and go home. I want to sleep”

I watch Cardan thinking about a wish, then he blows the dandelion away. I must be really drunk to have a lone tear escaping me as I make my wish and blow away my own dandelion. _I wish I were Jude_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a song: Heather - Conan Gray


	42. The end

[Taryn's POV]

There was fun in hiding inside my stories, because usually I would be a strong character, someone I admire, someone people rely on. Until him. Garret likes to hear about my fantasies, we role play sometimes. But the fun has changed, his love has changed me. Once upon... Real life, there is this normal man who is kind and loves me deeply. His name is Garret, an intelligent man that is on his way to have a great normal profession, secure. In his heart, he holds me dear, and therefore, I am trusted and relied on.

About friends, I have my sisters from my frat, that I am certain we will always have each other’s back. They taught many things between partying hard, broken hearts and taking my chances professionally. As strange as it may be, Nicasia became someone as important to me as my frat sisters. An eccentric woman, who I thought was a true princess the first time I saw her, and who hated me when the man she loved took interest in me. Through the corridors of our school years I had always envied Nicasia, beautiful as she is, exhaling power. Now, she is not a ‘mother’s daughter’, a silent obedient child, quiet princess Nicasia. No, she has voice, and she uses it to get what she wants. Having Ed’s admiring eyes on her has made Nicasia less scary, but not less powerful. Being a girlfriend of someone of the shadows, I could never not be friends with Van and Liliver. They are a bizarre couple, but they welcome me to their hearts, as loyal as they are to Garret, they only want his happiness. How could I not love them?

With Vivi’s graduation degree in hand, she proposed to Heather. At family dinner, when Vivi told us that she is going to get married, it was the most emotional sight of Madoc that I have ever seen, even though he never shed a tear. I always secretly hoped for those two to finally settle down, Vivi never really listened to me, but seeing them hugging... This is something that I can hold on to. My family. I bet my real parents would be proud of the three of us. Which leads me to Jude, my twin whom once long time ago, used to be my best friend is now someone new that I am getting to know.

After her downfall, Jude gradually came back to smile and being less visible tired. Color came back to her skin, and I could see my mirror back to life. I cannot lie about how I don’t understand what Jude went through, and that my ignorance made me say mean things to her. It took a deep conversation with Vivi to make me put things into perspective, into consideration, so then I could talk to her again and try to be there for Jude, even though I do not understand. She also has someone in her heart, Cardan, and they are helping each other grow. When we were younger, I used to fear Cardan. But also, I used to be confused from time to time, when I would catch a glimpse of his stare at Jude. So much feeling in that stare that I would wonder how could he hate her that much, or wonder if it was only hate that I was seeing. If it was hate at all. Now I see Cardan looking at Jude with that same intensity, but his features are more soft, a kind smile almost imperceptible at the corner of his mouth, and I have no doubts about his love.

So, here we are. Not a fantasy or a fairy tale anymore. Taryn has come to appreciate real life as it is. I am not as strong as I wanted to be, I am not a princess who needs a prince or knight to rescue her. What I feel exists, my love is towards real people and I am here for them. My dreams are about my profession, not a tale to distract, but a tale to live everyday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is all, folks. Thank you very much for reading, I hope you had fun in this journey :)


End file.
